Harley Quinn

Gentlemen! My fellow whites!

Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money.

The foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime.

Fucking the poor!

Party's over, ya pieces of shit!

This is my money now so back the fuck off!

Harley Quinn?

I mean, you think we're afraid of the Joker's girlfriend?

-So, here's the deal... -

Are ya gonna shut the fuck up so I can talk?

I'm in a lot of pain!

Oh, just give it a minute, you'll go into shock.

Yeah, there it is. So, as I was saying--

- -You made a big mistake coming alone.

She's not exactly alone.

She brought a plus one!

It's me, Joker!

Apologies, but your friend, Rupert,

just couldn't face coming out here.

I'm so sad. Where's my body?

Puddin'? What the fuck are ya doing?

You're not supposed to take his face off yet. I had this covered.

Yes, but I thought up that great "plus one" line.

And then I'm not going to not puppeteer his face.

All right, fine. Do your thing.

So, listen up motherfuckers!

Ya better jump in the harbor right now,

-or I'm gonna kill-- -

God, really? You just did it again.

That's because I forgot I had the acid bomb.

But we agreed I'm the muscle! I do the hitting!

You know, you're great, you're great.

You do your thing, I do my thing.

You're the appetizer. I'm the entree.

I can't spend my whole life just bashin' goons.

When Gothamites hear the name "Harley Quinn,"

I want 'em to piss 'emselves!

I want a taste of that.

You want a taste of... piss?

No, you know what I meant. God, listen, puddin',

can't you just see me in the Legion of Doom?

That is just... You don't want that.

Besides, no,

the Legion of Doom doesn't give memberships to sidekicks.

-You have to be-- -Partners.

Oh, fuck me.

I wanna be your partner in crime. For reals.

-Can we talk about this later? -If not now, when?

I don't know, tomorrow? I've kinda got my hands full right now.

Joke's on you, Joker.

Jesus, this guy.

You'll never take us alive, Bats!

Love that fighting spirit, Harley.

But in this fight, I'm afraid I have to

take a dive.

Uh, dontcha mean "we"?

You know I'd love to take you, puddin',

but I'd never deny you the pleasure of buying me time to escape.

Hey, but what if I get sent to Arkham?

Then you won't spend even a single night!

I'll break you out, my love. I swear.

Or actually, uh, I have something tonight,

but I'll definitely get you out before breakfast.

Love ya!

Ow.

Oh, ain't he cute when he's escapin'?

-No. -

You're a cancer, Quinn.

Spreading from Gotham's lymph nodes into its spleen.

And God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder!

But I'm the chemo.

How long's he gonna keep doin' this?

You're a festering boil, Quinn. A bedsore.

A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower--

-Jim. -All right.

Where's the Joker?

I'll never give up my puddin'!

Why are you protecting a psychotic clown who treats you like garbage?

Asks the guy who fucks bats.

He doesn't do that!

-Jim. -Sorry.

I'm not tellin' ya shit!

What me and Mistah J have is real love.

In fact, not too long ago, we were on a rooftop just like this.

That's when Mistah J proposed.

Till death do us part.

Ooh! Told ya!

After we get married, we'll take a cruise to Barbados,

or maybe a resort that's all-inclusive.

They say they're all-inclusive, but that's bullshit!

They charge you for the towels! Soap!

-Jim. -Top shelf liquor!

-Jim! -Right, right.

Give up the Joker, Quinn,

or you're going to Arkham for life.

Why are we laughing?

'Cause you said "for life"!

-And, as sure as I am that he fucks bats... -Okay.

...I know my man'll break me out of Arkham before I spend a single night.

Oh! Mistah J?

-Hmm? -Oh, sorry, my bad.

I mean, ya looked a little like him.

I don't know why you bother comin' here.

He's never showing up.

-Fuck off! - Yeah, fuck off!

But for the record, he does have a point.

Just give me 15 more minutes. Joker's probably still fightin' Batman.

I don't know, hon.

It's, you know, most superhero fights, they're not like, eh...

Calendar Man, how long has she been in here?

Oh, hey, Ivy! 183 days!

Oh, sure. You remember the incarceration date of Porn Clown over here

but not your own son's birthday!

For the last time, I'm sorry, Debbie!

Come on! I know it's June-ish.

It's okay, Daddy. I brought you this cactus to keep you comp--

Plant!

There ain't no plant life within 50 yards of Poison Ivy, ya moron!

-No wonder your dad doesn't remember your birthday! -

All I'm saying is, is that you can do way better than Joker.

I mean, you're smart, you're strong...

You're in control of your own destiny.

Leave Joker for who?

Some reliable square who thinks he's "quirky" for playin' on a dodgeball team

and calls himself a "beer nerd"?

- -Hmm.

Okay, I know you're talking about Dan.

It was my first year at Sarah Lawrence, there were very slim pickings.

I'm just sayin' the Joker's excitin'.

He's challenging.

He's psychotic.

He threw you into a vat of chemicals.

You know, I prefer to think of it as a--

As a vat of freedom sauce!

He literally made me who I am today.

Aw...

Babe, let's, let's just be honest.

This isn't the first time that Joker's...

- -...left you here to rot.

He does not love you.

Ya have to leave him.

-And don't say-- - You don't know him like I do!

Harley! Riddle me this.

What did Nadia Comaneci do

when she scored a perfect ten on the uneven bars

during the 1976 Montreal Games?

-Win a medal? -Not menstruate till her 20s?

-Ew. -She broke a record!

Which is what you sound like!

A broken record. He's not coming!

That is just one person's opinion.

He's not coming!

Aw, the fuck do you know? You're all fuckin' insane.

Or maybe I'm the crazy one.

Mistah J?

Mistah J!

-I knew you'd-- -

Uh, hola.

Oh, it's you.

How did you get a plant?

I ate an orange and shit out a seed!

-Thanks, Ivy! -Okay, let's go.

No! 'Cause I'm waitin'!

For--

Joker, yeah, I got it.

You know how long you been saying that?

-Calendar Man? -Oh, hi! Exactly one year today, Ivy.

One year! Happy Arkham Anniversary, Harls.

Here's your present.

Uh...

Where am I?

I did not ask for a fuckin' roommate.

Uh, when you pay rent you can make decisions, Frank.

Ugh, look what all those months in Arkham did to my poor babies.

And where is that stupid neighbor kid

I hired to water them, for fuck's sake?

Uh, he quit after a week. Very unprofes--

Really, Frank? What if his parents come to look for him?

Unlikely.

What am I doing here?

The Joker's gonna go crazy with worry

when he tries to break me out of Arkham

and sees I'm not there!

He does not care!

Our escape was all over the news and he has not come to see you.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Somethin' terrible must have happened to him!

I hope he's okay!

Oh, my God!

What do I have to do to prove that Joker does not love you?

Uh, ya can't. I am outta here!

For once you're gonna listen.

You were a genius psychiatrist.

Do you remember how you diagnosed me?

Sure. A classic misanthrope with abandonment issues

who befriends plants to avoid human intimacy.

-Nailed it! -Frank.

- -You helped me.

I can be around people now.

You know, I mean, I hate it, but I can do it without vomiting.