Two and a Half Men

Hey.

Hey.

So, what's going on in school?

Nothing.

Nothing? You just sit there all day

and stare at the wall?

That's where the clock is.

I got it.

Well, I find it hard to believe

that you just watch the clock all day.

Have you seen my report card?

Jake, it's for you.

I'm busy.

It's a girl.

I don't care.

Her name is Wendy Cho.

Hold on! I'm coming! Don't hang up!

Hey. How's it going?

Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.

Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.

Wendy Cho is the smartest girl at school.

I wonder why she's calling Jake.

Maybe she lost a bet.

That's not nice.

Well, kids are cruel.

Jake is obviously smitten with her.

I just hope he's not setting himself up for disappointment.

Hey, you know what they say:

"A man's reach must exceed his grasp

or what's a penis for?"

Who says that?

Okay, I might be paraphrasing.

* Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men *

* Oh. * Men...

Hey, Dad? Yeah, Jake?

Wendy Cho's having a party tomorrow night. Can I go?

Tomorrow? A little last minute, isn't it?

Well, she wasn't going to invite me

'cause Danny Palmer told Amy Sherlack

that I didn't like her,

but I told Peter Calahan to tell Ellen Meisner

that I kinda did.

I see.

You do?

He lost me at Amy Sherlack.

Are her parents going to be there?

I guess.

Let the fathers who have girls

worry about that.

Shut up.

All right. I'm going to want to meet her parents,

but I don't see any reason why you can't go.

Cool. Oh, yeah. I'm going a new shirt, new pants and new shoes.

What's wrong with those you've got?

Are you kidding? Everybody's already seen them.

Yeah, but not with all the latest food stains.

I hear gravy's the new black.

Fine. We'll go shopping tomorrow.

How about a new haircut?

What's wrong with my hair?

Let's just say everybody's already seen it.

Okay. New haircut.

So, this is your first party with girls, huh?

Maybe.

Maybe? You're not sure?

You got some cross-dressers in sixth grade?

Playing a little pin the tail on the tranny?

Shut up.

Why does everyone keep telling me to shut up?

'Cause you're an insensitive dolt.

That's no reason.

This is a very delicate time in a boy's life.

I remember how nervous I was

about my first boy-girl party.

Oh, right. That was in college, wasn't it?

Shut up.

What's important now is that we support Jake.

Agreed. I'll kick in the wine coolers

and a package of condoms. What are you going to do?

You're joking, right?

Okay, let's say I'm joking.

Look, I appreciate your interest

but this is a father-son moment

and, in fact, it's one that I've been looking forward to

since I saw the shadow of his little dingus in the first sonogram.

That's very touching,

and more than a bit creepy.

But, still, I can't risk letting you scar the kid forever.

What do you mean by that?

Face it, Alan. What can you bring to the table

other than a lifetime of abject failure with women?

It's not a lifetime yet.

I, on the other hand,

have a wealth of experience to offer.

He's 12. He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm saving that for prom night.

Oh, good.

Let me give you an example.

Jake's at the party.

All the boys are on one side of the room,

all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Um...

You see? You see?

Right there-- that "um..."-- is the battle cry

of the chronic masturbator.

Define "chronic."

The solution to the problem, my hairy-palmed friend...

...is to walk right up to the prettiest girl there

and ask her to dance.

Why the prettiest girl?

Because she's the one

all the other guys are afraid of.

She'll be dying for some attention.

What if Wendy Cho isn't the prettiest girl at the party?

It doesn't matter.

When she sees our boy dancing with a hot chick,

she'll be all over him.

Of course.

It's... it's so obvious.

Bet you're wishing you could do over sixth grade now, huh?

I could have danced with Heidi Winkler.

Yeah, you could have.

Or... or Pam Talega. Yep.

Or Mary Beth Hicks. Uh-huh.

Shoshana Wasserstein!

Ooh. I don't think so.

* Men...

Hey, can I get leather pants?

No. No.

Why not?

Because you need something that lets the farts out.

So... Wendy Cho, huh?

Real subtle, Alan.

Charlie, it's a father-son thing.

Yeah, so was prewar Iraq.

You, uh, want to tell me about her?

Not really.

Is she in your class?

Where else would I meet her, in a bar?

My turn? No.

I'm just curious

about what kind of person she is,

what is about her that you find--

I don't know-- alluring.

What?

Your dad wants to know if you think she's hot.

Oh.

It's personal.

She's hot.

Are you nervous about this party?

I don't know, maybe a little.

Okay, Jake, here's what you do. Charlie.

Hey, hey, you had your shot.

"Alluring"?

Is there going to be dancing tonight?

I think so. Terrific.

Do you know how to dance?

Not exactly.

Don't worry; it's easy to fake.

The thing to remember is the more you move your arms,

the stupider you look.

Oh, that is so not true.

Just keep it simple, and you'll be fine. Okay.

Besides, the critical time is between dances.

What do you mean?

That's when you talk, or more precisely,

you get her to talk.

About what?

Doesn't matter-- you won't be listening anyway.

Oh, Charlie.

Just drive the car.

Yeah, Dad, this is important.

Keep in mind: you're not looking to score tonight,

you're just trying to get into the batter's box.

Wendy doesn't like sports.

You're missing the point.

She plays violin.

Listen to me.

Your goal for the party tonight is to convince Wendy Cho

that you're a mature, sophisticated guy

who sees her not just as a woman but as a complete human being.

You got it?

I think so. Good.

I'm not going.

Hey, hey, not only are you going to go,

but it's going to be a night you'll remember

for the rest of your life.

That's what I'm afraid of.

* Men...

Oh, oh, this is nice.

Yeah, sure, if he's doing the other kids' taxes.

It's a timeless style.

No, it just seems timeless when you're not getting laid.

Put it back.

This is cool.

Yeah, just one question:

is your Wendy Cho a voodoo priestess?

No, I think she's Chinese.

Put it back.