MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Attention, all personnel.

No casualties for the 11th straight day.

O.R. will remain open for cuticle and wart removal.

Come early, win a door prize.

Check. That's what you think.

Three of diamonds!

Crown my king.

Thank you. It's nothing.

You're cheating.

How can I cheat? There are no rules. Oh, yeah.

Knight to knight seven. Full house, you hustler.

Oh, really? Uh‐huh.

Gin. Gin it is.

Thank you. Let's set up the board again.

This time, I get to play cards and checkers.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not fair.

Because whoever has the cards and checkers always wins.

Well, that's what I‐‐ Don't‐Don't look. Don't look.

Five bucks says that's Father Mulcahy.

Ten'll get you Radar. You're on.

Come in. Afternoon, sirs.

Aah! Radar, you're the last person I wanted to see!

Radar, old buddy, lookin' at you is like money in the bank.

All the other tents, they just say hello.

Would you like to join us? What are you playin'?

‐ Double Cranko. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Bishops are worth three jacks. ‐ Right.

‐ Checkers are wild. ‐ Uh‐huh.

And you have to be 21 or over to open.

Ah.

‐ Care to sit in for a hand? ‐ You'll get out by dawn.

Uh, no, thank you, sirs. Whenever I lose, I always like to know why.

Actually, I just come in to see Major Winchester.

‐ Now I'm confused. ‐ I just wanna borrow his record player.

We just got a new shipment of records in from Special Services.

Colonel says I could play 'em over the P. A. if I could find something to play 'em on.

That should be great for breaking up the monotony.

I don't know. You know, I remember their last batch.

"Andy Devine Sings Cole Porter."

Oh, no. These are all new. There's some really swingin' jazz stuff.

Radar, say no more.

Here you are, compliments of Major Winchester.

Uh, sir, I can't take it without his permission.

‐ He loves for people to borrow his things. ‐ No, it's not right.

I take full responsibility. Just don't tell him I gave it to you.

I don't know about this. Go on, quick, before Charles changes his mind.

Okay. You guys thank him for me, okay? I'll be sure not to do that.

Gee, it's nice to be nice. Ready to start?

Okay, let's flip the board to see who goes first. Call it in the air.

There you are, kid.

We're ready to go on the air from one end of the camp to the other.

Oh, my gosh. Pick up that mike and announce the first tune.

Right.

Uhh‐‐

That's it? Oh, come on, Klinger. I don't know what to say.

Well, just put it in your own words.

I don't have any of my own words. I just use everybody else's.

Come on. You speak into this thing all the time.

Yeah, but I never jockeyed a disc before.

I mean, I don't know what those guys say. Have no fear, kid.

I'll tell you what to say. What, you know about this stuff?

Are you kidding? Remember that payola scandal in Toledo two years ago?

My Uncle Bob gets out next month.

Oh, well, then maybe you should be the announcer.

Me talk into this thing? Not a chance. Here.

Just say your name, then the song.

It's simple.

Okay.

Hi.

This is Corporal‐‐ No, this is Radar.

Um, I just thought you might like to hear, uh‐‐

No, uh, I got a‐‐ We just got a shipment of, uh‐‐

Yeah, uh, I'm gonna play a record for you.

Not so terrific, huh? I better write you some stuff.

What kind of stuff? Disc jockey talk.

You know, uh, "Hey, this is your platter pusher, Radar O'Reilly,

slidin' on some hot sides for all you cats and hot dog ladies."

Dig it? I don't understand a thing you just said.

Good. Neither will they.

I don't think I was cut out to be talented.

Uh‐oh. Uh‐oh. What?

Attention, all personnel. Incoming choppers. Sounds like plenty.

All medical teams report to triage on the double.

Over here. Set this man down here.

Chinese are throwing everything they got across the parallel.

The 8055th has bugged out. The 8063rd is overloaded.

We're getting everybody's casualties. The whole enchilada.

Fractured skull. Possible hematoma. Dilated pupils.

Prep him stat. We're running out of room, sir.

Make room. This guy can't wait. Geez. Where are they coming from?

Everywhere. The question is where are we gonna put 'em?

Charles, I got a bus full of belly wounds.

In a moment. Now, Charles!

I've got a compound fracture here, and it's bleeding.

Bones have to wait. Well, Colonel, I beg to differ.

That's an order, not an opinion.

The most opinionated order I've ever heard. Klinger!

Yes, sir. Type and cross match for two units whole blood.

Prep him stat. Yes, sir.

Radar! Oh. What happened to the music?

I figured with all the casualties and all you'd‐‐

No, no. Get back in there and play something soft and mushy.

We're gonna need all the sedatives we can get.

Yes, sir. I'll get on the slow stuff real fast.

What'd I tell you? You're a hit. Yeah, I guess so.

More choppers.

As if we weren't busy enough.

Hotel's already full. What do we do now?

We move the help. As of now, the Officers Club, the Mess Tent,

the Swamp, the post‐ops two, three and four, in that order.

And we thought this was the off‐season.

I have a suggestion.

I will loan Radar one of my classical recordings to relieve this pop nightmare.

Nah, you've done enough, Charles. We're already using your phonograph.

What? Without my consent? I want it back right this second!

Relax, Major. I just made it your contribution to the emergency.

Music is medicine right now.

Just once I would like to offer something before it is taken from me.

Clamp. Clamp.

Sponge. Sponge.

Margaret, will you please hand me these things on the beat.

You're the one who's off. Well, let's get together.

Clamp, two, three, four. Sponge, two, three, four.

‐ Hawk, name that tune. ‐ "Up a Lazy Liver."

‐ No, no. It's "Musical Clock." Tell me what it's from. ‐ "Mr. Belvedere Goes to Korea"?

No, it's the theme song from The Late, Late Show.

Why are you telling me? We hardly know each other.

Whenever I heard that at home, it was my turn...

to go out in the kitchen and heat Erin's formula.

I miss that little kid.

He's hemorrhaging. Suction, Margaret.

We've got a lacerated aorta. Pump in two more units of whole blood fast.

Klinger, get two more units of AB negative, now.

AB negative? You might as well ask for a ticket home.

We only had two units in the bank, and it went in the first wave.

Well, do what you can to get us some more.

I'm doing. Start him on plasma.

Margaret, vaso clamp. Let's get this bleeding under control.

Okay, now we do the old double reverse.

Collect all his blood, filter it, and give it back to him in post‐op.

Radar, for my next patient, I'd like something in a waltz.

"And now, music lovers, here's some music you might love.

"It's called, uh,

'Wish‐‐ Wish You‐‐'"

Uh, I can't see it, 'cause the record's spinning.

Well, here it is, whatever it is.

Okay, today's Mess Tent special: thermometers.

Each and every one contains mercury on the inside...

with just enough alcohol on the outside to make it interesting.

They were playing it in the pool hall right before I went in for my physical.

I'd just put the three ball in the side pocket. Four in the corner.

Told Hymie to hold my money, and I'd be back in a half hour with 4‐F printed on my chest.

‐ So what happened? ‐ I walked in there talking Lebanese.

I had my eyes crossed. I had measle dots painted on my face.

It went over like a lead salami.

I wonder if Hymie still has my money?

Each and every one contains numbers up to a hundred and six.

Oh, Nurse? Yes, Major?

There's something on this man's chart that I‐‐ I don't understand.

See, it says here, "Lima beans and cube steak in country gravy."

Am I to administer that or treat it?

Sorry, Doctor. That's a menu. This is usually the Mess Tent, you know.

Ah. Do inform the cook...

lest he believe this man to be the patient du jour.

Ah, "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You." They're playing your song, Father.

Well, actually, I requested "Tico, Tico." But this is very nice too.

Yes, it is. I haven't seen so many people horizontal in this place since New Year's Eve.

At least those people were able to walk in.

Wanna join me at the bar for a shot of cough syrup?

Well, looks like he's having the usual.

Why? Why do I have to move my foodstuffs into Potter's tent...

when they're allowed to leave this ridiculous distillery here?

Will you stop griping?

Haven't you heard? There's a police action on.

That's easy enough for you, Major. You're not being forced out of your own quarters.

‐ Charles, you know what this is? ‐ What?

It's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing just for you.

And I thought you were different.

Charles, did you pack the napkin rings?

There are some things I just refuse to do without. You I expect it from.

Amazing. Charles leaving in a huff. He usually goes out in a snit.

Just so long as he goes.

How's he doin'? Not good.

That's the last of his own blood.

Then we're back on plasma. What about the AB donors?

The road to Seoul is out. Nobody can find the 8055,

and the 8063 is worse off than we are.

"And now a rhythmic room‐shaker requested by...

"Corporal Max 'I Wanna Get Out Of Here' Klinger.

It'll be coming your way as soon as I put a new fang in the old tone‐arm cobra."

"Fang in the tone‐arm cobra"?

They found an AB negative donor at Tokyo General.

Wonderful! Not so wonderful.

He's in for hepatitis. Bull's‐eye.

Of course. We got anybody else?

A guy with a bomb disposal unit ten miles from here.

But he's out on "R" and "R." They're tryin' to find him now.

There's never a bomb disposer around when you need one.

How long do you think he's got?

We better fill him up soon.