Evelyn

I'm just gonna read everything aloud because...

So, this is a letter from...

the coroner for...

Greater London and...

South-- The coroner for Inner South London...

...to my dad.

Sent on 15th March, 2005.

It says,

"Dear Mr. von Einsiedel,

following your wife’s request today in respect of your son’s last letter,

please find this enclosed.

Unfortunately, it is in a poor state.

This was how it was sent to me.

If I remember correctly,

it was located in the pocket of his trousers when he was found.

If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me."

I'm kind of absolutely terrified to look at this.

Yo, welcome.

I'm Evelyn.

This is a two-minute film about my life and my family.

Come...

Come and meet them.

So, this is my sister's room.

There's Orlando, my older brother.

Who are you?

Is this your video diary?

You keep all that video diary, I'll have to beat you up.

Are you a snowboarder?

Gwennie?

-“Got love for the streets” -Yeah?

This is my sister.

Yo, yo.

I'm going to answer the phone.

- Where are you going? - I'm going to answer the phone.

Turn around.

Come back.

Hang on a second.

No comments, all right?

I want the press out of here now.

Here's Tansy. Tansy, doggie.

Tansy. Hello.

What's that? Wow, wow.

Wow, wow. Wow.

That's my little brother.

-Wicked. - Wicked, wicked, wicked.

E, can you film my skate later?

Yeah, man.

Skateboards.

- All right, Mom. What's up? - Hello.

Nothing.

Oh, my God!

This is my mom. This is our kitchen.

Who's this for?

This is our cooker. Dog.

Woof, dog.

Woof, dog.

That's all for episode one from the Einsiedels.

Thirteen years ago, my beautiful brother took his own life.

It left a void that's just never healed.

I'm Orlando von Einsiedel

and I'm a filmmaker.

Most of the films I make are in conflict zones.

- -Go, go, go!

Putting myself in risky situations...

has just been something I was comfortable with.

I've always tried to push myself.

Despite all of that, I can't bring myself to talk about

what happened to my brother and how he died.

I mean, I can barely say his name.

You know, apart from conversations where

it's almost been forced on me, I...

I don't talk about him at all.

Neither do my brother and sister, Gwennie and Robin.

That's why you're packed so light.

My brother loved walking.

And we've decided to try and face the things we just couldn't

on a five-week walk in places that we spent time together with him.

Along the way, our family and his best friends are going to join us.

Um...

Today, I'm feeling really nervous.

Um...

You know, in the run-up to this,

I've obviously had to talk a little bit about what we're going to do.

Um...

But there's like a...

There's a-- There's a sort of a...

There's a point. There's a tipping point where...

I can kind of talk about the logistics of doing a walk

and knowing that we're going to talk about Evelyn.

But if I cross that point, I immediately...

Even talking about it now...

He was spiritual, Evelyn.

Um...

He was always thinking on--

He was on a different level.

Evelyn had a few very close friends.

He wasn't a big party, social person.

He was um... more retreating.

Just last year,

um...

I had a conversation with Orlando in the autumn, and he--

In that kind of a older brother way,

he checks in with me every now and again, and it's like, "How are you?

How are you really?" You know. "Are you happy?"

Um... And I just... I burst into tears,

and I said I'm really struggling with the memory of Evelyn

and the fact that none of us have talked about it.

And this walk through places that we walked with Evelyn,

provides us with such a rare opportunity to talk,

to remember,

um...

to perhaps make sense, if at all,

of what we all went through at that time and what Evelyn went through.

Was Evelyn taller than Orlando?

-At one point, he was. -

When he was older.

But not as babies?

No, Orlando was athletic. Evelyn wasn't athletic.

This will be a healing process...

or, you know, something which...

we're able to look quite introspective...

into our own family and into ourselves

and sort of take what we haven't spoken about

and deal with it, being sort of open

and not sort of--

We're able to confront it, rather than avoiding this-- this discussion.

Coming to terms with things in a way that you couldn't 15 years ago.

It's very helpful for you...

as a person.

I hope so. I mean, I think that's why...

That's why we wanna do this.

Yes, I think it's such a good idea.

How-- How have-- How have you coped, Mom?

-How have I coped? Um... -Yeah.

I think... initially when it happened, I panicked that I'd die over it.

I just thought I'd fall to the ground and have a heart attack.

So...

It was so-- I couldn't even admit to myself how frightening it was

because in saying the word "frightening"

or "horrifying," I'd have a panic attack saying that word.

So, I was doing as much as I could

to basically focus on anything to cope with...

the shock.

I grieved horribly or sadly on his birthday and at Christmas,

and then, you know,

every now and then something would make you remember it.

A word or a person's face.

I've met people...

who have reminded me of Evelyn in the last 13 years.

-Me too. -There was one, I had to go hold his arm,

and I thought, this is how Evelyn would have been if he'd stayed alive.

And I had to say, "I'm sorry, you look like my son, Evelyn.

I can't believe it."

He just smiled, and his smile was like Evelyn's.

Evelyn was my second son.

And he was very intelligent

and grew in stature through his academic years.

And...

Everybody loved him.

And Evelyn, who was so highly intelligent, had won chemistry cups

and all sorts of things at school and wanted to be a doctor.

He was very caring and sympathetic.

And he seemed absolutely fine

until he was about 17 or 18...

when he had a terrific downfall.

He became depressed,

couldn't do anything.

Um...

He left school and had a gap year.

And... longed to go to Africa.

So he went to Africa, to Namibia...

...and his father put him in a placement with a German family.

And he seemed perfectly happy for a while.

And then...

all of the sudden...

...all his happiness that he faxed through to all of us...

disappeared.

You know, Evelyn, in the next two to three years, the darling angel

became a monster that we couldn't understand,

or we tried to understand,

um... but it was so not Evelyn to be who he was being.

I spent a lot of time with E the last few weeks.

I was in the house when Evelyn left

-and he, subsequently, didn't come back. -

And I remember...

this exchange or this conversation I'm having with him.

And, you know, I think...