M*A*S*H

Hey, give me more of those sponges, will you?

Got 'em. Here you go.

I need a sponge without a stick.

Mmm.

What, did you send out to the enemy for that sandwich?

McIntyre.

‐McIntyre! ‐Hmm.

What a session.

‐Is it Tuesday or Wednesday? ‐It's Friday.

Well, somebody owes us a Thursday.

Either that or two Wednesdays.

What's that I smell?

Fresh air... if memory serves.

Hey, Radar, what does your ear tell you?

More choppers, ambulances?

The deluge is over. The enemy's pulled back,

and it's gonna take 'em at least a week to regroup.

‐You can hear all that? ‐I read the report on the colonel's desk.

Hey!

Come on. Let's get something to eat.

Right after we get something to drink.

Is that all you ever think about? Drinking?

I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich.

Listen, after having sandwiches stuffed in my ears for three days,

I want some steak and potatoes.

On an empty stomach? Be sensible.

We have to have a martini first.

Just one.

‐One big one. ‐How big?

‐Picture a basketball as the olive. ‐Okay.

Boy, have I been looking forward to this.

Darling, we're about to make each other very happy.

It's dry!

Well, you can't make 'em dry enough for me.

I mean, the still is dry, you knucklehead!

You didn't put the fixings in last night!

‐Well, I wasn't here last night! ‐That's no excuse!

I mean, it is, but it isn't.

You know what this means?

No martinis!

Well, you should have enough martinis

stored in your hump to last you seven days!

And don't call me "knucklehead!"

Hey, what is this? What's happening to us?

Our first fight.

We're always on the same side.

Yeah. Us against them.

Whoever the "them," we were always "us."

You know...

if I was to analyze your symptoms...

Yeah?

‐I would say stress. ‐Yeah, yeah.

‐Irritability from overwork. ‐That's what I got.

And do you know what I would prescribe?

Two days' rest and recreation

at the R&R Center in Tokyo.

Actually, I was thinking about three days.

Well, you're the doctor.

Shall we visit our friendly travel agent?

Here you go, sir.

Oh, gonna do a little outdoor surgery, huh, Henry?

Nothing wrong with a little relaxation.

Precisely. Before you go,

we want you to arrange for a few days for us

‐at the R&R Center. ‐Right.

I'm late now, guys.

‐Okay, Radar. ‐Yes, sir.

‐Now, wait a minute, Henry. ‐Henry.

Hey, Henry! If you don't let us go,

they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck!

If you are leaving, that means Frank Burns is in charge.

And he'll never let us out.

Every time you go, he turns into instant Hitler.

‐Thank you, Radar. ‐No trouble.

You'll just have to work it out.

If I don't get away from this place for awhile,

I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.

‐Let go. ‐I had a dream last night that I was asleep,

and I dreamt it while I was awake!

Are you nuts? Move out.

Were you acting?

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Lieutenant, check the patient in bed number five, huh?

I let him write a letter to his mother,

but it may have been too much for him,

because I don't like the way he's breathing.

‐Hmm? ‐Yes, Doctor.

Hawkeye, could I have a word with you?

If it's the one I wanna hear.

Listen, maybe I've been unfair.

I mean, you've asked me out so many times and...

Well, I'm not on duty tonight,

so, well, I was wondering...

You can stop wondering.

You're about to face reality.

Wait a minute. What did you have in mind?

Well, whatever you have in mind.

What?

Lieutenant, if I didn't know you better,

‐I'd be hurt. ‐But, Hawkeye...

I know what you want.

What they all want.

You think just because a guy smiles at you,

and lets you get in front of him in chow line,

he's a pushover.

Well, let me tell you something, Lieutenant!

Forget it!

I'm not that kind of a boy.

I'm worried about Hawkeye.

Well, I wouldn't be.

He does very well looking after himself.

Very well.

That's exactly the point.

He's not himself.

What does that mean?

He seems to be losing touch with reality.

I think the last person we have to worry about

‐is Hawkeye Pierce. ‐I second that.

Were you just in surgery?

I'd rather not say.

All right, what's all that funny business there?

There's nothing funny here to me, Frank.

I happen to be very serious

about this delicious piece of liver.

Liver? Where did you get liver?

They're serving hamburger.

This is mine and you can't have any.

Okay, okay.

But where did you get it?

From that North Korean.

What North Korean? The‐‐

You mean the one that...

The one that croaked.

You didn't.

He was very clean.

You must be loony!

Oh, what is this?

If you wanna join me for breakfast,

we can have a stack of pancreas.

You touched my plate!

You're not sterile!

You've ruined my liver!

Ruined it!

And we're all out of North Koreans!

Stop him! Stop him!

I don't think I needed that.

Take him back to the Swamp and give him the blue pill.

Yes, sir.

Don't touch me.

Filthy liver thief.

Well, Frank?

Um, I know we've all been working

desperately hard,

but Pierce has always been a rock.

Let me take him to Tokyo for some R&R

before he cracks up any further!

Frank, I'm the only one that can handle him.

I'll make the arrangements.

You know Pierce was saying only this morning

what a‐‐ what a considerate,

intelligent human being you are.

He has flipped.

I've made my decision.

Why do I still feel so uneasy?

Because we both know what operators they are.

How about this?

I have a psychiatrist friend in the 423rd Evac,

Phil Sherman. He's been crazy about me for years.

Crazy. Isn't that funny?

I don't think anybody being crazy about you is funny, Margaret.

Frank, you're jealous.

Jealous? I envy anyone that comes close to you.

I envy the fly that walks across your upper lip.

I envy the cotton tips you stick in your ears.

Frank, the point is, Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist,

and if anybody can spot a phoney...

Do you see what I'm getting at?

In a few hours, I'm gonna be in the arms

of somebody I haven't even met yet.

I'll drink to that.

Uh, Hawkeye?

"By order of Major Frank Burns,

acting commanding officer."

Oh, yeah?

"Captain B. F. Pierce will make himself available tomorrow morning

for an examination by Captain Philip G. Sherman‐‐ Sherman."

What kind of an examination?

Psy‐chi‐atric.

Psy‐chi‐atric?

Well, you can just tell your psy‐chi‐atrist

that I'm not gonna be here.

Yeah, tell him to start without him.