Superior Donuts

Hey, Arthur, can I put one of my campaign posters in your window?

The election for the Uptown Business Council

is in three days.

Let's see it.

"Vote Fawz for president

or else."

Or else what?

Or else you'll be torn apart by tigers.

But that wouldn't fit on the poster.

Eh, it doesn't matter.

I'm running unopposed.

Which is actually my other poster.

So, you got big plans for your second term?

Well, the first thing I plan to do is renew

my handicap parking sticker.

Because, you know, I have that condition,

where I don't like to look for parking.

Plus, I want to do something about that playground

on Sheridan Ave.

Oh, that's dope. It's getting a little run-down.

What, you gonna put up a new swing set or something?

Well, something will be swinging,

namely, a wrecking ball.

What?

Yeah, we're gonna pave over the playground...

Hey! Yo, you-you can't do that.

I've been going to that park since I was a little kid, man.

I have a lot of good memories there.

At least-least, I think I do.

I-I smoked a lot of weed there, too.

Well, I represent the business owners,

and they need a parking lot to attract more shoppers.

Everybody loves that park.

What's next? You gonna tear down a library and put up a Target?

Okay,

let's not get carried away.

Tear down library, call Target.

You already got rid of the two-dollar movie theater

and the video arcade.

I'm running out of places to have sex

when my roommate's home.

I'm glad they're getting rid of that park.

Okay, what do you have against it?

A mean girl made fun of me there

and stole my Happy Days lunch box.

I haven't gone back since.

I want to think that was during his childhood,

but chances are, it happened last week.

Tush, did you say a Happy Days lunch box?

Yeah. And three ham salad sandwiches.

- And a thermos filled with... - Tang?

Oh, my God.

It was you!

This is hilarious!

Hilarious? I was so traumatized, I peed my pants

and had to be homeschooled for the rest of third grade.

40 years later, the taunting still rings in my ears.

Oh, fun, a second verse.

Very funny.

Aw, Tush.

It was very funny.

Okay, maybe Tush hates the park, but you know something?

It's important to a lot of us.

That was the one place I could go when things got tough at my house.

Plus, it was one of the few places that a family can have

a picnic, you know, and breathe fresh air.

Unless someone was, uh, smoking a reefer on the roundabout.

Smoking what on the what?

What he's trying to say is "weed on the merry-go-round."

But the way Calvin Coolidge would have said it.

Hey, yo, if you care that much, why don't you run against Fawz?

You know what?

I don't care that much.

Franco is so naive to think that you would want to run for this.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, the thought that anyone would vote for you

over me is crazy.

It's not that crazy. You know, I've been a businessman

in this neighborhood for 40 years.

Yes, but the neighborhood has changed

and you no longer fit in.

No offense, but you're a relic, a dinosaur.

You're basically useless to this generation.

Why do you even bother to say "no offense"?

It gives me permission to say whatever hateful thing I'm thinking.

It's the first phrase I learned in English.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, no offense, you're an idiot.

That was the second phrase I learned.

Look,

I still got a lot to contribute.

I would make a great president.

You would make a great grandfather.

Franco!

I changed my mind. I'm gonna run for president of the business council.

Hell yeah, man! That sounds good!

- Yeah. - Yes, it does.

Everyone your age should have a little project.

You know, like a jigsaw puzzle or running a useless campaign.

I plan to win.

Yeah.

We're about to save Grayden Park.

Yeah. They might even rename the park after me.

Ah! Yes, I can see it now.

Jurassic Park!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next president

of the Uptown Business Council,

Arthur Przybyszewski!

Arthur, have you thought about a nickname?

Because your last name looks like an eye chart.

"A hole new approach." I love it.

You know what, I'm gonna get my buddies from the neighborhood to put these up.

I'll start with, uh, Cathy at the bead store.

Arthur, that place shut down months ago.

Oh. All right, I'll just walk one over to Morty the Cobbler.

He died.

Well, then who's the new cobbler?

There are no new cobblers!

Arthur, where have you been?

Right here! I live above the shop.

Last winter, I never even put on a coat.

Well, look, while you were hiding out in your bunker,

the neighborhood changed.

My old business buddies, they were my base.

Hey, it's cool. All we got to do is get you out there

to meet some new people, man. Hey, you got this.

Okay, okay.

Hello, all! I just met with the architect

for the new parking garage.

I'm gonna get to ride the crane!

Beep, beep!

Don't get too ahead of yourself, Fawz,

'cause Arthur's campaign is just getting started.

We got a whole plan we're working on.

- "We"? - Yeah,

Franco and me. We're teaming up.

Yeah. I'm gonna be

- his new campaign manager. - You are?

Yeah. Sofia and I are gonna help him get elected.

We are?

Mm-hmm. Look, you and I give him a tour of the neighborhood

and introduce him to the new generation of business owners.

You want me to help Arthur,

the man who calls my food truck the Fart Wagon?

Hey, hey,

hey, hey. You ain't doing it for him.

You're doing it to save Grayden Park.

Yeah, I do great weekend business there.

Turns out a lot of people like to eat their feelings

on Saturdays. Okay.

- I'm in. - All right.

A millennial campaign manager.

Interesting strategy, Arthur.

But I'm still gonna crush you.

Well, you don't know who you're dealing with.

I know exactly who I'm dealing with.

"A hole"!

"New approach"!

Oh, I see it now!

How's he doing in there?

Is he getting any votes?

Well, he was hitting it off with the little lesbian,

but now the big lesbian's yelling at him.

Oh, there's a third lesbian!

Well, this campaign's gonna be a disaster.

Oh, come on.

You're always so positive.

It's one of the things I like about you.

You like "things"? That's plural.

What else?

Well...

Nope, that's it. There's only one thing I like about you.

That's too bad.

'Cause I got these tickets to Chance the Rapper, so...

Oh, hey!

I just found a second thing I like about you.

Oh, yeah?

All right, so I guess we goin'.

We should probably grab dinner first.

Or go to the concert hungry.

That's cool, too.

Well, those dudes were cranky.

Hey, look, as your campaign manager,

maybe I should do more or all the talking.

Hey, man, how's business?

Great.

We were voted number one beard washery in Chicago.

Oh, speaking of voting,

this is Arthur, owner of Superior Donuts.

Yeah, he's running for Uptown Business Council president.

I know you.

You wouldn't serve me 'cause I had my ferret.

Oh, that was you, huh?

You know, putting something on a leash

- doesn't make it any less disgusting. - Okay!

All right, uh, so, uh,

Arthur here is fighting for what makes this neighborhood

so special, unlike his opponent, who's trying to turn

Grayden Park into a parking lot.

Well, I'm all for that. We could use more parking around here.