Frank of Ireland

- Hello, Áine. - Hi.

Frank, why are you ringin' me?

Gotta man up and be straight with ya, Áine.

I've totally forgotten why I've called you.

Are you calling because I've got a new boyfriend maybe?

No, there's no way that's why I called.

Áine!

Áine: I have to go.

I'm back writing songs again.

Oh, my God.

You haven't finished a song since...

We broke up. I know.

- Maybe I lost my mu... - Oh, Frank.

Don't interrupt. I was saying maybe I lost my musical cojones.

- Oh. - Wanna know why?

It's livin' with my fuckin' mam, that's why.

- You ever seen the film "Misery"? - No.

Jimmy Caan plays a genius writer

imprisoned by an overbearing bitch-slash-MILF

who strangles his creativity.

Let's just say, I can relate.

Don't call Mary a MILF, Frank.

- Why not? - Áine!

- She's not just a mother... - I better go.

Unless...

Unless you want to play me one of your new songs.

Look, I haven't actually finished one yet, okay?

God, I'm so trapped here.

Why aren't you up? There's squalls forecast for 2:00, we need to go.

Come on, let's go.

How's life with fancy pants?

Yeah. Good.

Sometimes I wonder if we...

Oh! Just remembered why I called.

Áine: Yeah, what is it?

Mary fell over. She hasn't moved in a while.

Áine: What? Jesus Christ!

Yeah, I know. Get nothin' done today.

I came as quick as I could, buddy.

How's Mare-Mare?

Yeah, she's okay, she's sleepin'.

Áine's on her way over but she's taking ages.

Thought I might lash out a song while I had some peace but...

See what I mean?

Áine. Good to see ya.

Oh, my God!

- What's he doin' here? - What's she doing here?

She's... sleeping.

She's unconscious.

They say you're not supposed to move them.

Mary?

Mary?

Okay, Mary, the bad news is

your ankle is sprained and you've got a concussion.

You need medication and total bed rest

for the next 24 hours, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, darlin', I've a date tonight,

and I hate spending all day in bed unless...

Dah! Don't say something horrible.

- Unless it's a Sunday. - That's fine.

And I'm friggin' the gee off myself.

That's absolutely abhorrent!

Who's the date?

A musician I met on Tinder.

- A musician? - Yeah. His songs are great.

And he's gorgeous.

Look, Áine.

Is he good lookin'?

Well, it's just a photo of his penis.

- Is it big? - It is, yeah.

I'm afraid there'll be no date tonight, Mary,

you need to stay in bed and get someone to look after you, okay?

But who? Could you do it?

- You have lovely hands. - Uh, sorry, Mary,

but we're actually cycling Howth Head.

You're such a fuckin' drag, Áine.

Well, there must be someone.

Áine: My dad?

He's clingier than you.

It's a pity all my family are dead.

What about Frank?

I would, unfortunately,

I'm working on new material, so...

Not havin' that dipshit lookin' after me.

I'd be dead by morning.

What on God's green earth are you talking about?

You're not very practical, Frank.

I mean, you'd have to look after the house as well.

I'm perfectly practical in every way.

Fuck it! The next 24 hours

are gonna be the best of your entire life, Mary.

Myself and Doofus will lovingly nurse you back to health.

No, there's no way I can do that, Frank.

Will lovingly nurse you back to health...

I have to start making money, or Dad says I'm gonna be

- kicked out of the house. - And look out for the house.

- I'll be homeless, Frank. - And all we require

as compensation is a float for some expenses.

Fine. I'll make a checklist,

and give you 100 euro for the day.

God help me.

Might I suggest an addition?

Yeah.

He can't finish anything. I'd be very impressed

if he even gets halfway through that.

That's a piece of piss.

Áine, Billy-Barry, fuck off! I have a mother to spoil.

Cheek of them.

Medication, meals, laundry. This seems doable.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm being responsible.

I'm gonna knock Mary out while we do a shop.

Can't have her wreckin' the gaff while we're out.

This way, she gets some rest, we get some peace of mind.

Whoa. That looks like a lot of...

Check medication off the list, Doofs.

- Done in one. - Whoo!

Look at me. I'm totally trapped here.

It's exactly like "Misery."

I'm exactly like James Caan.

Heavens to Betsy. Who are you texting?

My date.

Gets some food, will ya? I'm starving.

- There's pizzettes in the... - No junk food.

That's why you've brittle bones in the first place.

I'm gonna cook you a nutritious meal from scratch.

Just have to nip out for a quick shop.

- Well, how long with that... - Then I have to roast a chicken,

scrap the meat,

use the bones and giblets as a base for a stock,

roast another chicken for the meat itself,

make gravy, fix a salad.

I'd say we'll plate up around 11:30 tonight.

Forget it. I'll order take away.

- How's that for take away? - Give it back.

This thing is rotting your brain.

I'll put it on flight mode.

How's that for flight mode?

See what you made me do?

Go and get it right now.

I have a date tonight and I'm not missing it.

No more phones. No more boys.

When you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

I'll be back with dinner soon.

This is for emergencies only.

Drink your wine, sugarplum.

Why couldn't we get a taxi to the shops?

I'm being responsible with the float. That'll show her.

Why didn't we wash the clothes in the house, then, to save money?

Get out of my head, Doofus, you have it melted.

Sorry.

- Dry clean the lot, please. - Dry clean?

You sure you just don't want a wash n' fold?

I don't want to half-ass it, do I?

What should I do? What do you think I should do?

They're just normal clothes.

Cost you 200 quid to dry clean that lot.

I already spent 60 on the dog.

What's that?

I bought him on the hill when you were taking a breather.

It's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle.

It's a Cockadoodle?

It's not on the list, Frank.

They boost morale for the infirmed, Doofus.

His name's Frank.

Well, I named him Frank. I regret it now.

Fuck it! Sorry. Dry clean 'em.

You only live once, we'll pay tomorrow.

Do you deliver?

For 200 quid we deliver, yeah.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh, no,

- he's widdling on me, Frank. - Goddammit, Frank, just stop it!

You should rub his nose in it.

Really?

Can I switch this for something that's unwiddled, please?

- I should have... - ... Found stuff first and then changed.

You look the same.

Cool!

What's next?

- Make dinner. - Oh.

Thank you.

You embarrassed me.

Sit, Frank. Sit!

I'm the boss here, Frank, do what you're told.

Ey! That took a while. Is that everything?

I needed to streamline the whole nutrition process.

It's just eggs.

Eggs are nature's super food.

We've actually saved a few bob here.

Let's snarf a sneaky coffee before we go home.

Nothin' too fancy.

I like how I feel in these clothes.

Confident. Like you.

I am Frank.

Yeah. How close are we to finishing the list?

Eh, all that's left is

feed Mary and clean the house.

And Peter-Brian's thing.

Remind me.

Smug fucker.