Neal Brennan: Blocks

All right, let me explain.

Friend of mine...

- "Former friend," we'll call her. -

...is an artist, right?

And the theme of our friendship is kind of feeling alone in the world.

Right? So I wrote this show, which is about that feeling.

And I sent her the script and I was like,

"Hey, can you make a backdrop for me?"

She's like, "I got you."

And then two days ago, she sends me this.

Which feels less like alienation

and more like a second grade speech therapist's office.

I'm like, "How am I supposed to arrange these things?"

She's like, "Oh, you'll figure it out."

So, I'm going to be

talking to you guys...

all night, but,

I'm going to be preoccupied with trying to satisfy her.

None of this should surprise me.

Is your life going smoothly?

Are you just floating from event to event,

feeling good about yourself? 'Cause I'm not.

Most interactions I have feel like when you go to throw something away

and it's in one of those garbage cans that's got a garbage hole,

a recycling hole, and a compost hole.

You do your best, but after you're like, "I don't think I did that right."

That's how I feel most of the time.

Going through life feeling like I fucked up,

and I'm going to get in trouble.

I worry that my final thought on Earth, on my deathbed, is going to be,

"Is that nurse mad at me?"

- -

These are technically the areas of my life

that make me feel like something's wrong with me.

Some of them are more important than others.

We can start small. We'll start with dogs. Right?

So, I never had pets growing up, right?

But I watch videos of dogs and they're so funny and loving,

and soldiers come back from overseas,

the dog's freaking out, the soldier's freaking out,

the dog's fucking his face. I'm like, you know what?

I should get a dog.

So I get a pit bull named Keith.

And um, everybody told me, "Keith's going to be your best friend."

And I gotta say,

maybe my ninth-best friend.

Like, we're cool,

but whatever that thing is that opens up between humans and animals

just never opened up.

And then I go,

"Do I not understand human-dog relationships

or am I the only person who understands human-dog relationships?"

'Cause everybody asks the same question, "Is he a rescue?"

Yeah, they're all rescues.

None of these dogs are thriving on their own.

Never heard a story like, "Where'd you get your Labradoodle?"

"Went into Bank of America. She was the manager."

"Now she's our full-time Labradoodle."

I shouldn't even say I rescued it.

People love patting themselves on the back.

"We rescued it, saved it, adopted it." No, you didn't.

Here's what happened to your dog, my dog, every dog.

The dog was born into a litter, kidnapped, given to you.

"No, Neal. You don't understand. I'm a dog mom."

Really? You know who else was a dog mom? That dog's mom.

We think because we talk to dogs like they're babies, they're babies.

They're not. They're our captives. Right?

But we think because we go, "Are you a pretty girl?"

Pitch your voice down. See what a monster you are.

"Are you a pretty girl?"

"We can go outside. I have to put a chain around your neck."

"Do a trick for me. I'll give you a tiny morsel of food."

"You're my best friend."

We try to make movies about it romanticizing the relationship,

like Marley & Me.

You know what a dog sees in Marley & Me ?

He sees Taken, but Liam Neeson never shows up.

And, by the way, I think it's my fault. Something's wrong with me.

Uh... So I'd read books about loving dogs... Just...

Like, okay, so is this thing... Is this for my LGBT joke?

Or is she trying to tell me I'm on the spectrum?

Even groups you'd think I'd feel like I'm a part of,

I don't feel like I'm a part of. Like...

liberals.

Clearly liberal.

Look at me. Bone-thin.

I look like Rachel Maddow with a beard.

But I don't feel like part of the group,

'cause liberals are the least-welcoming people on the planet.

Republicans are having a blast.

Grabbing pussy, shooting guns like Westworld .

Republicans get to be greedy.

Republicans care about themselves, their families, rich people, that's it.

Liberals got to care about everybody.

Not fetuses. But everybody else.

Am I right, liberals?

Fuck a fetus. Who's with me, liberals?

I will punt a fetus down Wilshire if I see one.

The problem being liberal

is there's no amount of liberal that's liberal enough.

If there's a bunch of Republicans and someone goes,

"I'm a Republican." They go, "Come on in."

If there's a bunch of liberals and a liberal goes, "Hey, I'm liberal,"

they're like, "We'll see."

You can believe the right shit as a liberal,

but if you express it incorrectly, you're fucked. It's terrifying.

Ever try to talk about transgender issues in public?

Even right now you're like, "We don't gotta do this."

"Don't go out like your boy. Just move on."

But that's exactly my point. It's terrifying.

I'm sure we all believe the right shit, but you ever...

Trying to talk about transgender issues in public

is like playing conversational Jenga.

You're like...

"Pronouns..."

"He... They..."

Then Republicans are like,

- "Trannies? We'll call 'em trannies?" -

"What happened here? You guys playing Jenga?"

"I fucking love Jenga. Rack 'em up."

There's a lot of little conundrums as a liberal, right?

Like, I live in Venice, California, in LA.

- - Yeah.

And there's a lot of homeless people in Venice.

But I'm from New York, so it's hard to take LA homeless people seriously.

It's like once you work with the best, you know?

So... So one day I get home,

and I got an... email.

Paper email.

A letter, we'll call it.

The letter says, "We're opening a homeless shelter."

As a liberal, that's great. I keep reading.

It says, "Across the street from your house." I was like, "Oh shit."

It was like being on a game show like How Liberal Are You?

- Like, "Uh..." -

"I wrote a Black TV show."

Yeah. My neighbors want to protest and shit.

I'm not going to protest.

I'm going to move. But I'm not going to...

No, I didn't move.

They opened the shelter. It's not bad. It's fine.

How Liberal Are You? would be a funny game show, wouldn't it?

"You're at an airport and a Muslim-looking man

asks you to watch his luggage while he prays."

How Liberal Are You?

"Pass!"

You know who's a liberal conundrum, as a person?

Kanye.

Yeah, 'cause when Kanye first started, he said,

"George Bush doesn't care about Black people."

Conservatives were like, "He needs to shut the fuck up."

Liberals were like, "Let him speak."

Then he started saying how much he liked Trump

and liberals were like, "He does need to shut the fuck up."

People at this point are just exhausted by Kanye.

People are like, "That guy's fucking crazy."

Yeah. No kidding.

He's a rapper.

Since when do you rely on rappers for their emotional stability?

What's your argument? "Back in my day, there was a guy named Flavor Flav."

"And he'd walk around and say, 'You know what time it is!'"

"And we did know. He had a fucking giant clock on his chest."

"There was another fella named DMX who'd smoke crack and bark at people."

"He'd go..."

"And we knew where he stood."

"His bark was as good as his word."