M*A*S*H

I bid one club. Did you hear that, Pierce?

One club, I know what that means. You wanna know what I got.

‐Pierce. ‐All right, reading from left to right, I have‐‐

Winchester, get a deck and start warming up.

I can play from here.

Your bid, Mr. Pak.

One club to me.

I bid one no‐trump.

Well, you got 'em on the run now, Pierce.

Your bid, swifty.

I'm reminded of a story.

You've probably heard it.

The king and queen of this country

were playing golf with five clubs.

Their son Jack remarked how strange it was

that they only had two hearts between them.

And just then, his sister Little Deucey

and her dog Trey started singing

Whereupon the whole family beat her to death

and buried her with two spades.

‐Did you get it? ‐Everybody did.

Well, I didn't. What do I bid?

Two clubs.

No prompting, please. I bid two clubs.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention all personnel. Ambulances on their way.

Maintenance crews remove all drunks from the middle of the road.

You guys are lucky. We had a grand slam going.

‐We got one coming. ‐Bridge night. It never fails.

Until next week, gentlemen.

Same time, different partners.

Shrapnel in his thigh. Superficial.

Doc, could you check on my friend Elverson over there?

He's hit bad.

Sure. We always take requests.

Look at this. He could start his own scrapyard.

I'll take him first.

Unconscious. Pupils fixed and fairly dilated.

‐No sense wasting time on him. ‐Wait. What?

Wait a second. Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Charles, he shows some pupil reaction.

Could be a subdural hematoma.

It's worth putting in a bur hole.

I'll take him first. Put him ahead of him.

Pierce, you can drill until you hit oil.

‐It will do no good. ‐Thanks for the encouragement.

‐O.R., and step on it. ‐How dare you contradict me!

Hey, hold it. He's a Commie. That's North Korean.

‐What's he doing ahead of my buddy? ‐Dying.

That person has no right to go into O. R. first,

particularly ahead of one of ours.

Charles, when they come in here,

the uniforms come off.

We can save him if we get him in there right now.

What's going on here? That gook tried to kill us,

and now you're gonna save him?

Yeah, the whole thing's ridiculous, isn't it?

Wipe.

Keep that suction up.

Somebody fix this damn light so I can see.

Is it possible, Pierce,

that your two‐hour detour into North Korea

has vitiated your efficiency with other patients?

Quiet, Winchester.

Shoehorn a little tight, Achilles?

I don't usually take sides, but quiet, Winchester.

Lucky you. You'll be at Captain Hunnicutt's table.

Steady nerves. Great hands.

And best of all, he's a surgeon.

Anybody but that Commie lover.

Paging Dr. Pierce.

Good to see you again, comrade.

‐Not letting him work on our boys, are you? ‐Put him under, Margaret.

Okay. Just close your eyes and breathe deep.

Hey. My buddy better not die on account of you.

Margaret, will you keep that thing over him?

I'm trying to, doctor,

but he's got an awfully big mouth.

You guys are so high and mighty.

You sit back here. You're playing God.

‐You don't care. ‐Somebody shut him up.

Yeah, shut me up! Go ahead, shut me up!

So I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!

‐Hold that. Hey! ‐Pierce!

I don't have to take that kind of garbage.

Now shut your mouth before I come over and clamp it shut!

Pierce, get back there.

Will you put him under already?

Hawk, what's the matter with you?

‐Get back in your corner. ‐Pierce,

there goes your Good Conduct Medal.

Aw, pony pucks.

Don't you knock when you enter a room?

Flagg, how did you get in here?

That's classified.

‐Radar! ‐Yes, sir?

Hey! I was just sitting‐‐

‐How did you get in here? ‐Not from above.

Let's talk about your camp, Potter.

And don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.

What is it this time, Flagg? Fluoride in the soup?

‐I think I'd better leave. ‐Freeze, Mr. Vatican.

Nobody goes till I do, and I never do.

Potter, you've got a wounded North Korean officer here,

and, as usual, you failed to report it.

Oh, no, no. We did report it.

You mean I worked over my informant

just for the fun of it?

Oh, my Lord!

Good cover, but who are you?

Never mind. I'll get to you in a minute.

You... get out.

Thank you, sir.

I understand your Captain Pierce

saved that pinko's miserable skin.

Not to mention his life.

And that was his big mistake.

Now, I want to question both of them.

Flagg, you don't go near anyone

without my permission.

What's this?

Your permission.

Right.

I'll be around.

So will you.

Quick, who sang "Toora, Loora, Loora"

in Going My Way?

‐Uh, Bing and Barry. ‐Okay.

You're clear... for now.

Well, that's counterintelligence

if I ever saw it.

How's that patient I almost put in the hospital?

Fine. You can't talk to him.

Look, I won't even raise my voice.

I know. You want to apologize for yelling at him,

for being unprofessional.

Believe me, it'll just cause trouble.

You have a lot of faith in me, don't you?

Better let me tell him for you.

My thermostat's set lower than yours.

In other words, I can't handle myself?

I thought I just said that.

Must be wonderful being as perfect as you.

I didn't say that.

I just mean it wasn't necessary

for you to have blown up at him the way you did.

Oh, sure. You would've just gone over to him

and thanked him for the kind words.

You want me to apologize

for being more rational than you are?

Excuse me. I feel a tantrum coming on.

‐Pierce. ‐(gasps)

I'm gonna give you a chance. Why did you do it?

‐Oh, I don't know. Why does anybody do it? ‐Now you've done it.

Well, you'll have to clean it up. I'm in a hurry.

I've got you dead to rights, Ivan.

You saved that Commie crumb‐bum. Why?

Well, it was something to do. Besides, he was dying.

I'm on to you, Pierce.

Now you took a yellow Red before a white American,

which is pretty pinko.

You're even boring in Technicolor.

You're a Communist dupe.

I've waited a long time for this. You're mine.

Your butt is in my sling.

All right. Take me, I'm yours.

I knew it. You're one of those, too.

When I dig up the proof, real or otherwise,

that you're the traitor that I know you are,

then I'll know it and you'll know it too.

It was nice talking to you again.

What is this? It looks like quicksand.

It is. A fly just walked on it and sank.

I threw it a noodle, but it was too late.

Gentlemen. May I join you?

You can't charm your way back into my heart, Charles.

‐Have a seat. ‐Always the peacemaker.

Pierce, I see no point in holding a grudge.

As chief surgeon you did what you felt was best.

I can appreciate your motives.

Well, thank you, Charles.

For that, I'll give you my food.

If he'll swallow his pride,

he'll swallow anything.

You know, you probably were right

to take the North Korean over the American.

If the North Korean had died,

you would merely have been a fool.

If the American had died,

you would have been a scoundrel.

Since they both lived, you are the lucky stiff.

‐Up, Charles. ‐Mm?

Get up. Up, over and out.

I have had a long, miserable day,

and the last thing I need is your Boston bull.

So beat it!

And this is how you accept an apology?

Out! Out!

Wanna go over and make up with that guy in post‐op now?

Major?

Major.