Marlon

What's up, Internet freaks?

I have a theory.

Everybody has a weird thing about them

that they keep on the D.L.

For example, every morning, my ex-wife Ashley

has to sing her shower routine.

Singing jazz while you wash your ass.

Yvette refuses to be seen without a full face of makeup,

which is why we're dropping by at 3:00 in the morning.

Ha-ha.

You tried it.

And then there's Stevie, who tends to blur the lines

of relationships.

No, I miss you more.

No, you hang up.

Okay. Love you, Nana.

That boy ain't right.

Then he sends me a text saying

that we need to slow things down

after I done dropped a grip on a damn kayak.

Talking 'bout, "We gon' hit the lake."

He a lie!

Kayak?

I thought we were talking about CrossFit guy.

CrossFit guy is why I bought that giant tire.

Talking 'bout, "We gon' strengthen my core."

He a lie, too!

I'm telling you... "LeRoy" pronounced "LaRoix."

Jeez, Marlon, obvious much?

Next you're gonna claim it's "Tyrone" or "Malik."

Okay, what are you two arguing about?

Blackest name ever.

Tackling the big issues, I see?

I am three credits shy of a bachelor's degree

in African-American studies, so I can assure you,

the blackest name ever must reflect our African heritage.

Jarobi, Ademisope, Tahir.

No, no, no, you are wrong.

First of all, ain't no black person

gon' name they baby Tahir.

That's way too much spit in it. "Tahir."

They gotta be something made up, like-like JaMarion.

You know, the daddy's name is James,

the mama's name is Marion, but it's spelled weird.

You know, it's like "J," apostrophe...

"M-A," capital "R" for no damn reason,

"I," with a hyphenated "O-N,"

and there's a weird, silent "Q" as well.

Ah! Another text from the kayaker.

"Can we still hook up?"

No, we cannot, Quantavius Rasheed Jackson!

Oh, yeah, that's it right there.

Black, blackity, black-black.

No, that's bliggity black black black black black.

Marlon, look at this.

The storage facility we used in 2004 is closing,

and they say that we have to empty out our unit

or they're gonna auction it off.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, that has to be a mistake

because we got rid of that unit when we got divorced.

You told me you went down there and cleaned it out.

Did I?

Oh, my God.

You were supposed to get rid of this stuff.

Ashley, if I did everything I was supposed to do,

we'd still be married.

Oh, would you look at all this cool stuff?

The milk frother from our first apartment.

I've been looking for this.

You know I've been paying for frothy milk

all these years like a sucker?

I remember this.

We got this at Six Flags the year after we met.

Damn, girl, check you out in them booty shorts.

Hey, if I find them in here, will you put them on?

Only if you on those Hammer pants.

- No, I'm good. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, would you look at this? - What?

Our hand-carved, ancient African CD rack,

straight from the motherland.

There were no CDs in ancient Africa.

Oh, that's what the man wants you to think.

Stay woke, sister.

Ooh.

Oh, my gosh, there's so many memories in here.

Yeah, good times.

This stuff takes me back.

Let's toss it all. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wow, you are cold.

You are lucky I kept this.

An electric blanket that's broken?

Girl, it ain't broke.

All I need is a big girl up underneath here with me.

She'll keep me warm.

A big girl who likes rat droppings

'cause they are all over that blanket.

- Eww! - Mm-hmm.

Get rid of this stuff.

Ashley, there may be some hidden treasure in here.

How 'bout this? I go through it,

I look at what's valuable, I keep it,

we get rid of the rest.

Good. All right.

I'm gonna go 'cause it smells like 1997 up in here.

Oh, damn.

My Drakkar Noir must be leaking.

Damn it!

- What the hell? - Hey, Stevie, check it out.

My old Walkman, complete with Mega Bass.

Ha-ha! Man, I can't wait

to get the batteries for this thing.

Marlon, what is all this?

This is all the stuff that was in the storage unit

that Ashley wants me to get rid of.

- What are you gonna do with it? - I'm gonna keep it.

Is that a George Foreman grill?

Yup.

I got this when me and Ashley used to live

in this little apartment in Studio City,

and she got mad 'cause she wanted me

to use the money on boring stuff like rent.

You crazy. Hey, look at this.

She wanted me to get rid of this.

This is a classic. Come on.

Bam! "The Wiz" On LaserDisc!

Come on, man, flying monkeys with Rick Ross beard?

You know, I am three credits shy of a psychology degree,

but I don't need that degree to know that the inability

to part with inanimate objects is an illness.

Stevie, are you calling me a hoarder?

If the 8-ball jacket fits... and it doesn't.

No, no, no, no. I'm not a hoarder.

See, hoarders collect things that have no value.

Come on, this 8-ball jacket is going for $395 on eBay.

That's exactly what hoarders say

when they don't face the truth.

Pick anything and ask yourself,

"Does it serve a purpose?

Does it bring me joy? Does it better my life?"

If the answer is no, get rid of it.

Hmm, let me look around and see if I can find something

that serves no purpose, brings me no joy,

and does not better my life.

Bye, Stevie.

Clearly I've touched a nerve.

But you can't seriously be throwing me out.

Listen, if you and Ashley can't see the value

in all this stuff, then you need to sleep at her house.

Our boy has a problem.

You're just figuring this out now?

He kicked me out of the house.

Yeah, he's been doing that four times a year

since you moved in there.

No, no, this is not the quarterly toss-out.

- Look at this. - Yeah.

This is the storage facility, right?

That's Marlon's living room.

Now, in my almost professional opinion, Marlon's a hoarder.

Yeah, all this stuff is junk.

Is that his old 8-ball jacket?

Okay, that's actually pretty fly, though.

But the rest of it is junk!

This is a cry for help. Okay, wait a minute.

I found that jacket in the attic six months ago,

and I told him to take it to Goodwill.

He knew that storage facility was there

and he's been adding to it since the divorce.

We have to help him before he's buried under a pile

of "Vibe" magazines and S-Curl products.

Stevie, I think it's very sweet

how much you care about him.

Oh... the guy means everything to me.

I also have nowhere to sleep.

Ashley! Check it out!

My old metal detector.

I found $0.66, a bullet casing,

and a car door on my way over here.

Don't worry, I threw out the bullet casing.

I didn't want to be an accessory.

Now, why are you all standing there

solemnly holding envelopes like Maury about to say,

"Hey, Marlon, you are the father"?

Marlon, welcome to your intervention.

An intervention? For what?

We'll get to that.

Now, as a qualified intervention specialist,

I invite you to sit down.

What makes you qualified?

I've seen every episode of "Intervention," "Hoarders,"

and "Real Housewives Reunion."

All you need is a loveless marriage

and a blanket on your lap and you'd be a middle-aged woman.

We will start with "I love you and care for your well-being."

Now, we've each written letters addressing

how your illness has affected our lives.

We are gonna go in reverse order of importance.

Yvette.

Marlon, I care for your well-being, blah, blah, blah.

Now let's get to the tea.