Torrente for President (Torrente Presidente)

ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THIS FILM AND REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS

IS NO COINCIDENCE…

IT'S A BUMMER.

TORRENTE FOR PRESIDENT

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What's up, gang?

How we doing?

Good.

Hi, Torrente. How are you?

-Still got that accent, huh? -What can I get you?

The usual, Chopstick.

Double brandy and anisette. And churros.

-I skipped breakfast. -Got it.

They say the Chinese are taking over the world.

This guy sure isn't.

He may love Franco, but he's dumb as a rock.

But damn, do they multiply.

Look around. There's more Chinese than regular people!

Jesus, Torrente, the crap you say…

What, Damián? Ain't it true, Pájaro?

You're right.

So now the Chinese are to blame?

The Chinese? Nah, poor bastards.

They're happy selling calculators, glue sticks, and cheap junk.

The socialists are the ones wrecking the country.

-Exactly. -They promised voters the world.

And what'd we get? The Third World.

-And they pocketed the cash. -There aren't any real socialists left.

Now they're all followers of Pedro Vilches.

Don't say his name this early. It makes me nauseous.

This guy's unreal.

Him? A complete idiot.

At least Chopstick grew a mustache so we can tell them apart.

But look at how he talks.

People listen to him. He connects with them.

-He's got charisma. -He's disgusting.

That's it! Let's dance!

I just got an idea.

We can use this guy. Come on.

What are you talking about?

Excuse me, sir.

Mind if we talk?

You're not a pair of homos, are you?

No, not at all.

We're with Nox.

Politicians.

Come to our rally Sunday in Cercedilla.

We're very interested in your opinions.

A rally?

Free ham and wine.

Free? You should've led with that. Where do I sign up? I'm in.

Cuco!

Torrente!

What's up, kid? Got paid today?

Yeah, Torrente. Moha always comes through.

Give it to me.

I'll keep it safe.

Bye, Cuco!

Bye, Mr. Torrente! Want some Moroccan mint tea?

No?

Why don't you say hi to Moha?

He's a good guy. Plus, he likes you.

I don't trust him one bit, kid. Arabs are sneaky as hell.

How can you say that? You're unbelievable.

BALLESTA STREET

Man, the nights I spent patrolling these streets.

This place used to be wild back in the day.

Now there's not even any hookers left.

They just move them around. There are still plenty if you want them.

Nah, Cuco. This city's losing its soul.

The world's going to hell.

Quit complaining, Torrente. Things are going pretty damn good.

What are you doing?

Sorry. Forgot to offer you some.

You hand it to me after slobbering all over it?

Come on. Give me that.

You're such a pig.

I bet you filled up on kebabs at the Arab's place.

No way, Torrente. I don't eat that stuff. You don't wanna know how he makes them.

That's true.

Plus, you gotta start taking care of yourself at my age.

Hey, Torrente,

my buddy Chopo's got a job for us this Sunday.

That scrap metal thing? Nah.

I got plans.

I'm getting into something big. It's gonna be great for us.

Doing what, Torrente?

Politics, kid. Politics.

Hey, hands off, kid. Don't get greedy.

How's it going? Looks like you're enjoying yourself.

Yeah. This is great.

Want to say a few words? The crowd would love to hear from you.

Me? Up there?

You paying me?

It's for our country.

For our country? I'm your man.

Go on, then.

And now we have with us a simple man. A man of the people.

A humble patriot, just like you and me.

Above all, a man proud of his country.

A man who represents us, José Luis Torrente.

Hello? Can you hear me? Testing.

My fellow citizens!

Hear that? I'm being inclusive now.

I said "citizens." Not "countrymen" or "countrywomen."

Just citizens, you happy?

Next thing you know, they'll want us using loads of pronouns…

-Where'd you find this guy? -It's Santi's experiment.

-You're better off testing on rats. -That's what I said.

I love Spain with all my heart.

That's why it kills me to watch it fall apart

thanks to President Pedro Vilches.

I said Pedro Vilches.

That son of a bitch!

Thank you.

These people have banned our beautiful traditions.

Things like tossing goats off bell towers and bullfighting.

And the animal barely suffers.

It knows we do it out of love.

Yet they allow that savage Arab festival,

that barbaric folk celebration,

where they butcher lambs in the street and eat them!

Millions of years ago, this country was invaded by Arabs. Infested.

That's why we had the Reconquista.

Don Quixote and El Cid gave their lives for it!

Now Pedro Vilches is giving it all away.

Bringing them back after all that work getting rid of them.

Now he wants to give legal status to half a million Arabs.

Pedro Vilches is gonna end up crying like a baby.

"Weep like a woman for what you could not defend like a man."

Let me tell you something, Vilches,

the Spanish people want a president who's a real man!

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Hell yeah!

People loved it.

You killed it. That historical quote was genius.

-Culture matters. -You really connected with our voters.

You were born for politics.

This guy knows his stuff, huh? Hard to believe, looking at him.

How you feeling?

Honestly? I was made for this.

They liked me. Of course they liked me.

'Cause I got balls and common sense.

They seem pretty lost to me.

I don't know. Politics seems shady to me.

Come on. Politics is the shit.

Remember Minister Álabos?

The guy's my hero.

Absolute legend.

Guy took a van full of hookers to a state-run luxury hotel.

Using our taxpayer money.

Our tax money?

Torrente hasn't paid taxes since like '96 at least.

Hey. I've paid my dues.

The undercover guys wipe our records so we stay off the radar.

Look, I'm almost in.

Now I gotta seal the deal.

Stick with me, and I'll hook you up.

There's plenty of cash to go around.

I'll settle for the 6,000 pesetas you owe me for whiskey.

Sure. I'll make you a cabinet minister. Can't have you looking broke.

Antoñito, another round. Put it on the taxpayers!

This is a marathon, Torrente.

We have to take it slow. Contribute ideas, build momentum.

The guy on the posters is the head honcho, right?

Our leader. Future president of Spain.

He's heard all about you.

-He wants to meet you. -Really?

He heard you get the crowd going at rallies.

Good. Make sure he knows I can work a crowd.

Education is great and all.

But what's better than teaching our kids about our national traditions?

That's why, when we win,

every neighborhood will have its own religious procession.

Street festivals and bullfights too!

Because you people get paid peanuts. Dead-end jobs with shitty contracts.

Back in my day, you could save up and buy an apartment.

Now? Forget it.

All you can afford is a cell phone.

And not even a good one. Made in China.

China! For fuck's sake, China!

Back in the day, we made phones here in Spain.

Yeah!

I'd say more, but I'd get arrested.

Oh my God.

Welcome to headquarters, Torrente.

It's time for you to meet our leader.

Hey, Torrente. I've heard so much about you.

Likewise, Mr. President.

This is Bartolomé Cuongo, our secretary general.

Wait… this guy's Black.

I thought Nox was racist.

Torrente, Bartolomé's a stand-up guy.

So we're not racist now?

Only a little. But Bartolomé keeps people guessing.

Listen, Torrente, which would you prefer?

A white commie who wants to destroy Spain, or a Black guy who loves his country?

Tell me.