How I Met Your Mother

Thanks.

That's weird. I have a message.

That's weird.

You still have an answering machine.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at your earliest convenience.

Oh, crap.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Kids, you remember the Captain.

He was one of the richest men in New York,

and when I met him, he was married to Zoey,

who I ended up... befriending.

Oh, man, he seems pissed. Does he?

Yes. Listen.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at your earliest convenience.

Oh, I hear it now.

What? I don't know.

Listen again.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at your earliest convenience.

He sounds pissed.

Yeah, and I think I know why.

It has to do with the last time I saw him.

It was, um... it was, like, a year and a half ago.

Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.

: Oh, boy, yeah.

I remember.

You weren't there.

Ted, bubbeleh.

If you have a crazy story, I was there.

That's just a law of the universe.

So what happened?

Well, it was a few weeks

after Zoey and I broke up, and I was on the rebound,

and I kind of rekindled things with that girl, Becky.

Becky? Boats, boats, boats.

Boats, boats, boats!

Boats!

What's this a commercial for again?

I can't quite...

Boats, boats, boats!

Oh, get a room, you two.

You weren't there.

I was, too.

All right, you were there? Tell me the story.

I like the way you tell it.

Please, I insist.

Okay, we'll tell it together.

Okay.

Lily... Lily...

had invited us... ...had invited us...

...to an art...

...Garfunkel concert.

...gallery opening.

An Art Garfunkel gallery opening concert.

Go on, Ted. You're doing great.

Anyway,

I get to the gallery...

This place is so fancy.

I hope I don't embarrass myself.

What? Lily, come on.

You got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dude, look who it is.

And who should walk in but...

Daddy's home.

Nope.

Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.

What are you doing here?

Um, well, uh, Lily saw an ad for this...

Gallery?

So we... we came to check out the...

Artwork.

And then we ran into...

Me.

Man, this guy's so rude.

I mean, I get why he's mad.

I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly.

Still, he's being a jerk.

Someone needs to bring him down a peg.

I'm sorry. Where are my...

Manners.

That's how that feels.

This is my art consultant.

Shelly.

Art consultant? What's that?

Oh, Shelly helps the Captain

select artwork based on its aesthetic appeal

and value as an investment.

That's why I think she's gonna love

this elephant painting.

I think this artist is going places.

Well, I should go.

Captain, we'll talk tomorrow?

At ease.

Hey, if you like art,

you should see the painting I just acquired.

It's in my apartment just upstairs.

It's gonna blow you away.

Anyone with this kind of ashtray money

probably has an island where he hunts people.

Probably somewhere in the Caribbean.

I bet there's good snorkeling.

Hello, my darling,

my one true love, my everything.

So, who wants to see

that painting?

Okay, Captain, we know why

you brought us up here. It's, uh...

it's about me and Zoey.

Ted,

if you've got something to say,

say it.

A harpoon gun?

A double-barreled harpoon gun.

One barrel.

With a scope.

No scope.

I know you're upset, Captain, but I promise you

nothing happened between me and Zoey

until after you guys split up, okay?

So let's...

Let's please, just-just-just put this down.

Okay? Okay, oh, there we go.

Look, Ted,

I'm not mad at you.

The truth is I'm in love

with somebody else now, so we're fine.

Just don't steal this one from me, too, okay?

Okay?

Of course.

I promise. Okay.

But that got me thinking.

Who was this new lady in his life?

I-I had this weird sinking feeling.

We both did.

I had to see that picture.

So I waited until everyone

was out of the room, and then...

Boats, boats, boats!

No.

No...!

She's "boats, boats, boats," and he's the Captain.

That's sweet; I'm happy for those two.

Ted, you suck.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

It's him, it's him. What do I do?

What do I do? Ted, wait a second.

What do I do? Wait a second. Wait a second!

Hey, is there any chance that he is calling

to invite the three of us out on his boat?

Uh, I don't know, maybe like one percent.

Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.

Hello.

Ted, I'm gonna ask you something,

and I want you to be completely honest.

What's your friend Robin's number?

What?

Ted, ask about the boat.

Uh, Captain, can... can I put you on hold?

Affirmative.

He wants Robin's number.

Should I give it to him?

Is he trying to hook up with my fiancée?

No, uh-uh. (snorts)

The only way that's happening

is if I get to hook up with someone, too.

Wait a second... No.

Unless... Absolutely not.

However... Forget it.

On the other hand... Ixnay!

Guys, guys, I got to make a decision here.

Okay, you know what, I say do it.

If it is a booty call,

then Robin will just let him down easy,

but in the meantime, Ted is back on the Captain's good side.

We all get to go out on his boat; I get to steer it.

Everybody wins.

Okay.

Fine. Give him her number.

You don't think she'll mind?

I don't think she'll mind.

You gave the Captain my number?

She minds.

Do you not remember that night

we hung out with him at the art show?

Oh, right, of course you don't remember

because, earlier that night,

you shared a big, fat sandwich with Becky.

Boats, boats, boats!

What's this a commercial for again?

Yeah, so?

I hardly think that changes the story.

Mmm. Mmm.

Delicious!

This place is so fancy.

I hope I don't embarrass myself.

Oh, come on, Lily.

You got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dude, look who's here.