Son of a Critch

Adult mark : Every morning started with a stand-off.

Pop's bladder was like a leaky faucet.

Don't you dare.

I'll only be a minute.

I'm 80.

I might not have a minute!

Adult mark : I, too, had the bladder of an 80-year-old

But luckily, I had the legs of a man in his 40s.

I'm sorry it came to this.

Pop: Hey!

-Oh, yeah... -No, hey, hey!

This is an emergency!

What's all the racket?

Mike stole the bathroom!

-I'm not above using the kitchen sink.

Get out of it!

Mark: Hey!

-Toilet's not flushing. -What?

Did you jiggle the handle?

Yeah, 'course.

Then what's he doing in there?

Hm.

Toilet's busted.

-Then why'd you go? -Oh, why don't you go?

Oh, no, ya don't!

I've gotta have a look.

No!

I need to go!

I just gotta jiggle the handle.

Well, that's strange.

Did you break the toilet?

-No, I didn't break it. I'm fixing it!

-Did you jiggle the handle? -Can I have some privacy?

-Get dressed. You can go at school.

-I have human rights! This is ridiculous.

Mary: Septic tank might be full.

Do you want me to call my father?

-No, no, no. I get insulted enough by my own father.

Okay, then I'll call a plumber.

No, wait, wait, don't do that.

You can call him, but tell him I already jiggled the handle,

So it's not that.

Okay...

Adult mark: Every bump and jiggle

Threatened to make my legs cry.

-Give it up! You need to read that before we get to school.

-Frig off! You're not my mudder!

-Well, since dad's frigged off and mom's working two jobs,

I am.

Do you mind?

I'm dealing with a personal issue.

Fox: Come on, open it up.

Now read that for me.

A moose! Luh!

Fox: Great job.

-Mom's s'posed to sign that, luh.

Nimrod!

This says that if you mess up one more time

You'll be suspended!

I know! Wicked, wha?

Me brudder don't need no school and I don't need none, neither.

Adult mark : His past was tense, his future imperfect ,

And his grammar was terrible.

He's a loser, ya hear me?

Staying away from him is the only way

To keep us all together.

If you gets kicked out, you'll get another kick from me.

Right in the nuts.

You want dad to take us?

Sign my mudder's name to this.

Why me?

-The nun knows my handwriting.

She won't suspect yours.

Fine.

But this makes me an accessory.

Mark: Suz...

Middle fox: Bump!

Oh, you frigged it up!

You're welcome.

Adult mark: The bus driver wasn't

The only one likely to have an accident.

-Give me your hand. -Hey. C'mere.

-Ignore him. -I got a job for ya.

Just leave him alone.

Get in there.

Go on.

Mark: Okay...

Uh, you got a sec?

Maybe half a sec?

I don't know what to be at.

Dad's saying that mom's not a good enough mother, and...

Hm...

-If he gets kicked out, I just...

I just-- I feel like everything is about to fall apart.

Adult mark : She was finally opening up to me,

But I had no time for heart-to-hearts.

The only organ I could think of was my bladder.

-I want to hear this, I really do.

But I have to pee so bad, I'm practically gargling.

Hold that thought!

Yeah, sure.

Mark: Oh... Oh...

Whatever.

Okay...

Oh, hey, pal!

How's it going?

Sidle up. Plenty of room!

Adult mark : My dream was to be a comedian.

But at the urinal, I suffered from performance anxiety.

I'm a stall man.

Ritche: Suit yourself.

Adult mark: The crappy doors of the crapper

Swung as freely as saloon doors in the wild west.

Adult mark: The bowl itself

Was probably the cleanest surface in the stall.

Eugh... Eugh...

Ritche: How's it going in there?

Mark: Fine, thanks. Eugh...

Silver fox: Put your pickle away and get out!

I-I have to wash my hands!

Middle fox: He said frig off!

Adult mark : Peeing would betray my location.

I was trapped behind enemy lines.

If a teacher sees ya--

-Since when are you a wuss, b'y? Come with me!

I promised her I'd stay.

-Sooky baby promised his little sister?

I'm your big brother!

What's wrong? Ya don't like money?

Silver fox: you're in the wrong bathroom, critch!

Middle fox: Yeah! You should be in the girls' room!

Adult mark: I was so scared

I could have peed my pants.

Middle fox: You gonna pee your panties?

Adult mark: Which isn't saying much,

Seeing my current predicament.

-Your brother's in the bathroom.

-So? Just 'cause I gotta watch him

Doesn't mean I have to wipe his arse.

No, your big brother!

-But... He's not allowed in the school.

Middle fox: We know you're in there!

Silver fox: Come out, critch!

Fox: What the frig?

Mark: Fox?!

This is the boys' room!

Adult mark: I would never pee again.

You get busted for this,

They're gonna kick you out, nimrod.

Wasn't me.

I don't even go here.

-Can I have a little privacy, please?

Aw...

Poppy bell: Ugh! Who the hell used it

When they knew it wouldn't flush?

-Damn kids, I think. Ah, some people.

Thanks for coming, ed.

I could have done it, but mary was all...

Well, you know women!

-I know I'd rather her at it than the likes 'a you.

How's it look, dad?

-Uh, where's your water shut-off?

Oh, we don't have one.

I got it.

-I jiggled the tommy-jigger, but the, uh,

Whatchama-callit didn't jangle.

Plunger?

No.

I got the brush here.

Are you coddin' me?

Useless.

Mary?

It's off.

Ah, good girl.

Uh, pass me the thumb wrench.

Oh, yes.

Now, and, uh... What colour would that one be?

Mary?

-Here you go, dad. -Thanks, ducky.

I'm gonna have to take the bowl off.

Got a bucket?

Yup.

-I'll, uh-- I'll go give her a hand with that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mike?

he hates me!

-No, he just raised me all on his own, is all.

He's just protective of his little girl.

And he never comes over here

Because he thinks you don't like him.

-I don't! He thinks I'm useless!

He's always making fun of me,

And you always end up taking his side.

Mike!

Just because you can't fix a toilet or drive a car

Or change a tire...

You might not be good enough for him,

But you're perfect for me.

Not good enough?

Here.