Rules of Engagement

Can you believe they fit 38 sugar cubes in here?

Hey, how much will you give me

if I can put them all in my mouth?

Nothing.

You're on.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, honey.

Stop it.

All of them.

So, good news.

You know how we wanted the Central Park birdhouse

for our wedding? Yep.

They had a cancellation. It's ours in two weeks.

Oh, wow, that's good news.

I thought you were planning your wedding in your hometown.

We were, but that's when the boathouse wasn't available.

Now, it is. Oh, I love the boathouse.

Such a romantic setting.

You know what else is romantic?

The coatroom in the boathouse.

Don't act like you don't remember that bar mitzvah.

Anyway, all I have to do

is call this woman Heidi back to confirm.

Oh, Heidi!

Hope it isn't Heidi-ho.

Oh. (SCOFFS) Here we go.

Who's "Heidi-ho"?

This woman that Jeff and I went to college with

who always had a thing for him.

Audrey thinks that Heidi and I had a fling

before we started dating, but we didn't.

I know that's hard to imagine,

what, with all of this.

Well, why are you so sure she did?

Because she would openly flirt with him

right in front of me, touching him,

laughing at his jokes.

He's not funny.

So for our wedding, I figured...

You wanna know why?

Because we see her at a reunion,

she still flirts with him. No, she doesn't,

why are we still talking about this?

Because you won't just admit it!

I'm not gonna take credit for something that isn't true.

Oh, please.

You take credit for inventing the word "supersize."

Hey, I heard a lot of people start using that word

right around the same time I did.

So enough about us and our big day.

What's up with you guys?

Here's your lunch, sir.

Great.

Oh, hey, can you call the manufacturer

of my fancy watch and report a problem?

Oh, um, what problem is that?

Well, it says it's 12:37,

but that can't be right because I know my lunch

is supposed to come no later than 12:30.

I get it, I'm seven minutes late with your lunch.

Perhaps you could've snacked on your self-satisfaction.

So what happened?

Did you make some sort of detour?

No, sir, just a long line at the deli today.

Oh, you didn't stop anywhere?

Not even that nerdy bookstore

with the vintage books you like?

The one that smells like antique farts?

Um, you know, come to think of it,

I did pop into that shop...

Oh, okay.

But how did you know?

Oh, just... Lucky guess.

I suppose so.

Hey, Tim,

in the future, maybe no more lies?

I mean, I don't lie to you.

I'd expect the same in return.

You do nothing but lie to me.

Oh, boo-hoo, Tim.

Go cry to your friends at the fart store!

So Audrey's still upset with that Heidi girl?

Yeah, you know, Audrey and I have had a lot of fights over the years,

but this is truly one of her favorites

because she knows I can't win.

What? Why can't you win?

'Cause you can't prove a negative.

Sure you can. No, you can't.

It's like if I said "Hey, I heard that, one time at camp,

"you touched another dude's wiener."

Well, Kyle's a liar.

Wait, what? What, what?

Who?

Uh, nothing.

Oh.

Well, listen, if you didn't sleep with Heidi,

you should have, because Audrey already thinks you did

which supports my theory:

Never leave untapped that which could be tapped.

It was never really an option.

She's just a flirty girl.

I mean, she was that way with everybody.

Well, I believe you because you're trustworthy,

and that's an important quality,

one that I like in my best man.

Oh, boy. Oh, no.

Yes, yes, this is a tough decision for me,

but you're the two guys who know me the best.

I don't know. Kyle might know a thing or two.

No.

No. It's gotta be you two.

You know, as much as I hate to say this,

I really think Russell's the man for the job.

He's your boss. All right.

He took you under his little wing.

You know, but what I say

is that I think it might be Jeff

because he's been to the altar.

He's made the same mistake, you know?

Yeah, I, I... I was a...

I was afraid you guys might fight over this.

Is that what's happening?

Well, that's why I prepared this:

A list of questions to see who knows me best.

Now, whoever can answer the most

gets to be my best man.

Question one:

What is my middle name?

Suckhole. Who gives a crap?

The correct answer is "Shannon."

Um, but Russell's closest with the "s" guess,

so hey, you get the point.

Hey. Hey!

Listen, I didn't know if you were hungry,

so I got you a meatball sub.

Ate mine on the way home.

No, I already had dinner.

I was hoping you'd say that.

So just for fun,

I decided to check out Heidi-ho's Facebook profile.

You seem happy.

How fat is she?

Oh, no. She's not fat.

I am happy because of a certain picture she posted.

Uh-huh, what am I looking at here?

That's you in college without a shirt at a party.

"Where is your shirt?" You may ask.

Your shirt is on that girl sitting on your lap kissing your cheek.

She's wearing it.

So Heidi's wearing my shirt.

And kissing you!

This proves I'm right. No.

It was probably cold, so I gave her my shirt.

All it proves is that I was a gentleman.

All it proves is this fight is over.

I win. No, it's not over.

It's far from over!

My God, my pecs were defined.

Oh, excellent draping, Felipe,

and thanks for remembering that I dress to the right.

Well, well, well.

Lookie here.

What are the chances?

Sir, what are you doing here?

I'm not telling you anything until you say,

"I'm a fancy lad with fancy pants."

No. Say it.

I will not. Sing it.

Negative. Think it.

Fine.

For the past few weeks, you seem to know my every move.

The bookstore, the tailor,

how many times I've used the restroom.

Yeah, what's with that? You have a UTI or something?

Fess up, sir.

Did you install something in my phone

so that you could track my whereabouts?

In your phone?

Well, that would've been easier.

Easier than what?

Hey, a houndstooth handkerchief.

They still make these?

What have you done?

Uh, okay.

Remember when I made everyone in the company

get a mandatory flu shot?

Well, you were the only one that actually got one.

Why would you bring in a nurse

to give only me a flu shot?

Well, 'cause she wasn't exactly a nurse.

She was a veterinary assistant I was dating at the time.

No. Did...

Did you implant a tracking chip in me?

I kinda did.

You actually inserted a microchip

into my body to track me.

Unbelievable!

You are an animal.

I'm not the one with a pet chip in him.

Oh, no.