Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket.

Yeah, it's full of treats.

It's got meats, cheeses, candies,

all the food groups.

The cheese is amazing.

It melts in my mouth and in my hands.

- Hmm, French chocolates, French cheeses,

tiny French pickles.

Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift

for Captain Holt from someone in France?

Like his husband, par exemple?

- What? No way.

This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen

that wanted us to munch.

Hmm, what's this, then?

"Dear Captain Raymond Holt, thinking of you.

Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D."

He even used their pet names.

- Oh, no, I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry.

That's the most intimate snack of them all.

- Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in 30 minutes.

What do we do? - Eat the note!

- No! No.

It's okay. We can fix this.

Check it out, sir.

A lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you all the way from Paris.

Straight from Paris!

Stapler, scissors.

Rubber bands.

That man really knows me.

- Attention, squad. I just received a call.

A very important, very high profile celebrity

was robbed in our precinct.

- What celebrity, sir? Is it a Chris?

Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine? Brown? Cross?

Is it a non-Chris?

- This is a sensitive matter, and I can only disclose details

to the lead detective on the case.

Sergeant, let me know who's available, ASAP.

Yes, sir.

Sarge, Sarge, Sarge.

You know that I'm your guy for this.

You can't give a celebrity case to Amy.

The last movie she saw was a documentary about spelling bees.

- Wrong; it was about the font Helvetica,

and it played like an action thriller.

- You already have a case, Peralta.

I assigned it to you this morning.

- That was just some kid with a little bit of pot on him.

Meanwhile, Chris Rock is tied up in his basement

calling out for my help, and you're standing in my way.

- Just work the case I assigned you.

- Can't I just give my case to Hitchcock and Scully?

I mean, they clearly have a ton of time on their hands.

Hitchcock hasn't even gotten out of his chair today.

- Hey, Jake, I can go anywhere in this thing.

But... shouldn't.

- Hitchcock and Scully are house mouses.

They do paperwork and they're good at it.

They don't go out in the field.

Boyle, you take the celebrity case.

Me? Instead of Jake?

Have you lost your damn mind? I am so sorry, Jake.

I don't know what's wrong with Terry.

- Don't worry. I'm gonna work it with you.

I'm giving my drug bust to Hitchcock and Scully.

It's time to get these mice out of their hice.

Oh, that was lame. Life is meaningless.

We're all gonna die.

Mouses out of their houses. Yes, I am the greatest.

Every breath is a gift. Sorry about the roller coaster.

- I'm just happy I'm tall enough to ride.

Hey, Rosa.

Saw you hadn't signed up for the blood drive yet,

so I brought you the sheet.

- Sorry, can't. I'm... under 17 years old.

- Wait, you didn't sign up last year, either.

Or the year before.

Are you afraid of needles?

- I don't like being stabbed by someone

so they can steal my blood.

I'm crazy.

- This is amazing; you're scared of something I'm not.

I'm tougher than you. I'm tougher than Rosa.

Eh, I take it back. I'm so sorry.

Look, it's okay. We all have fears.

I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even go

into the downstairs supply closet.

I hear they have some hot new binder clips,

but I'll never know.

I'm scared of businessmen.

A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying

to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles.

Great, so you guys get it.

Conversation over, bye. - No, no, no, no, no.

What if we each agree to face one of our fears today

for ourselves and for all of womenkind?

- Ugh. That sounds terrible.

But I'm in.

Fine, I'll do it too.

Guys, come on.

I really think this'll be good for... oh, wait.

You... we're doing my thing? Okay.

- Thanks for taking us to lunch, Jake.

- Of course. Get whatever you want.

Oh, man, I already ate.

I guess I'll just have a cheeseburger deluxe,

couple slices of pie, maybe an egg cream.

- Okay. - And a waffle.

- So look, a big, important drug case came across my desk,

and I need your help.

Only problem is, Sarge doesn't think you can handle it.

- He's right. - No, he's not.

Look, you're Hitchcock and Scully.

You guys are legends.

You single-handedly caught the Prospect Park Flasher.

- Well, he was being chased by other cops,

but he did slip on my spilled chili.

- And who bumped into Scully, causing the spill? Me.

- Damn right, and who fell asleep under their desks

and caught the janitor stealing evidence?

We did.

And who sued the department

and got triple-ply toilet paper in every precinct?

We did.

Terry thinks you guys

are too old and too lazy to handle this,

but I know what you're really made of.

You're gonna take this case and prove him wrong!

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

We're still gonna eat lunch, right?

- Obviously, a high profile celebrity case such as this one

needs to be handled with the utmost discretion.

- I promise I'll be professional,

even if it's Dianne Wiest.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna meet Dianne Wiest!

She's so sexual!

No, our victim...

is John... William...

Weichselbraun.

Remind me who that is again?

- You're kidding. He's a world-renowned oboist,

first chair with the New York Symphony Orchestra.

Kevin and I are huge fans of Weichselbraun's work.

We are what the Internet sometimes refers to as...

Weichselbraun fans.

Not Weichselbrauniacs?

Oh, that's very good.

I'm gonna use that liberally.

Anyway, Weichselbraun's $40,000 oboe

was stolen from his apartment,

and you need to find it.

I'd work the case myself

if it didn't smack of preferential treatment.

- Don't worry, sir. I can handle this.

- So you do think it smacks of preferential treatment?

- I don't know what you want me to say.

- Okay, you've convinced me. I'll work the case with you.

Great.

I think you owe me an apology.

I'll apologize to you in hell.

I actually don't know what this is about.

Sorry I took such a hard stance.

- Holt's celebrity was just some lame oboist.

Meanwhile, we just linked your little dumb pot bust

to a major narcotics ring.

This might be the biggest drug case

the Nine-Nine's had in years.

Cool.

Uh-oh.

I know a real "cool" when I hear one.

That wasn't a real "cool." What did you do?

Well...

I may have given that very huge drug case

to Hitchcock and Scully.

- What? - In my defense,

I was pretty sure you were never gonna find out.

- I don't know where Hitchcock and Scully are.

They're not answering their phones,

and they signed our dealer... The one link to our drug ring...

Out of holding.

I swear, if they mess up this case, Jake, it's on you.

They're detectives.

They've been on the force for 500 years.

They know what they're doing.

- The only item on Scully's calendar for the entire year

is "eat peanut butter."

Yeah, we got to find them.

And to do that, we have to think like they do.

I'm going in.

All right, there's the butt indentation,

and...

I'm docked.

Ugh. Still warm.

All right, residual cushion fart is about a six out of ten.

He's been gone an hour, maybe two.

- But where? - Hot dogs.

They went for hot dogs. - How do you know?

- There's a water stain on the ceiling in the shape of a bun.

Let's go.