Two and a Half Men

Alan, do you ever fantasize when we're making love?

Well, occasionally, I pretend that I'm better-looking.

What about you?

Sometimes I imagine we're in the middle

of a big department store.

Ha... having sex?

No. Shopping.

Why would I fantasize about having sex

while I'm having sex?

Do you think about ham and cheese

when you're eating a sandwich?

Can't argue with that.

What ya thinkin'?

Well, nothing, really. I... I just...

I got a call from Jake's school today.

Huh. You know who called me?

Jessica Murray.

Oh? Who's that?

A friend of mine.

Yeah. Well, anyway, Jake's mom and I

have to go to a parent-teacher conference tomorrow,

and I don't really know what it's about.

Huh. Hey, do you ever pretend your toes are little people?

What? No.

Sometimes I make believe they're different families

playing Family Feud.

All right, let's meet our champions.

He goes to market, she stays home.

Please welcome the Piggie family!

Hi, everybody!

You're goin' down, Piggie Family.

You're goin' down!

Hey.

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Forget it, Alan.

I only do the aprés sex chat

with people I've just had sex with.

Come on. She's playing Family Feud with her toes.

I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples.

But I need to communicate after lovemaking.

I-I need to share.

Well, maybe you should have thought of that

before you started boinkin' a girl

with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo.

Fine.

Hey, Berta. How's it goin'?

Back off, Zippy.

If you want pillow talk,

you gotta spoon me first.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah... * Men.

but I think we all agree that ship has pretty much sailed.

So why did you want to see us?

Well, I'm concerned that, even outside of the classroom,

Jake has no interest in anything that goes on around here.

Now, hang on.

He speaks very highly of your hot lunch program.

Well, I was talking more about hobbies

or extracurricular activities.

Well, I don't know about his father,

but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.

Unfortunately, he's a little young

to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

You know...

I was kind of lacking in focus

when I was his age, too,

until I got bit by the ol' theater bug.

Too bad you didn't get bit by the ol' rabid squirrel.

You know, I'm organizing a drama club.

Would that be something that Jake would have any interest in,

or do you think he gets enough drama at home?

All the world's a stage.

And we are merely players.

Ooh. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

Did she say what I was in trouble for?

No.

Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.

Yeah, like a pregnancy test.

Yep.

I don't get it.

Yes!

In your face, Opie.

This game stinks.

No, you stink at it.

That was my lunch money.

Aw, your lunch money?

Why didn't you tell me?

* Boo freakin' hoo-- pack a sandwich. *

Okay, Jake, we talked

to Miss Sheffield...

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I'm... I'm sorry I interrupted you.

Go ahead.

Well, we thought it would be a good idea

if you got involved in some extracurricular activities.

Oh. Okay.

Great, great, we'll talk about it at home.

Do you even know what an extracurricular activity is?

Who cares? I'm off the hook.

* Men...

* I... am the very model of a modern major general *

* I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral *

* I know the kings of England, *

* And I quote the fights historical *

* From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical. *

What do you think?

What was this all about?

It's choreography. It's gay!

Okay, you know, forget about the movements.

Just try singing the song.

No. Why not?

Because it's gay.

Don't encourage him.

Don't make him sing Gilbert and Sullivan.

He needs something to audition for the school musical.

You teach him a song.

Why don't you let him choose?

Jake, why don't you tell your uncle

what you wanted to sing.

It's called "Whoop That Stanky Ho."

All right, there's got to be some middle ground here.

You like classic rock, right? Yeah.

Okay, well, pick a band.

Um... how about Queen?

Oh, good, I was afraid

he was gonna pick something gay.

( playing intro of "Bohemian Rhapsody" )

* I see a little silhouetto of a man *

* Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? *

* Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me *

: * Galileo, Galileo

* Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro magnifico... *

It doesn't sound right.

You heard it, too, huh?

You sure you're playing all the right notes?

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, it doesn't sound anything like Queen's version.

No, it doesn't.

Why don't you work on it?

We'll try again tomorrow.

Yeah, why don't I do that?

Kid's a double threat...

tone-deaf and arrogant.

Hey.

Where have you been?

Kandi called looking for you.

Oh, I had to work late.

Oh.

Yeah, one of my regular patients had, uh, a crisis.

His name is Roger.

He had a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve.

Too bad. Nice guy, you'd like him.

He restores old cars.

Well, it's actually more of a hobby than a job.

He works at Staples.

His name is Roger.

Alan? Yeah?

Why are you lying to me?

I don't know.

I really suck at it.

You do, indeed.

Don't you care where I was?

Why would I start now?

Oh, come on, I really need to get this off my chest.

All right, go ahead.

I was with another woman.

Okay, see, that's a good lie.

No, no, I really was with another woman.

Seriously?

You're already doing a hot 22-year-old,

and you're cheating on her?

Yes.

I am so proud of you!

What?

Who's the dog? My brother's the dog!

Come on, dog, come on, dog, howl with me!

Now, stop howling,

and let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You're sleeping with two women at the same time.

You're a big ol' dog!

I haven't been sleeping with the other woman.

I've been seeing Jake's teacher.

All we do is talk.

I don't know how to explain it,

we just have so much in common.

I mean, she's divorced,

she has a kid Jake's age,

she reads, she likes the theater...

Yeah, yeah, but you're not sleeping with her?

Why would I sleep with her when I've got Kandi?

I don't know... 'cause you can?

It's not that kind of relationship.

It's-it's intellectual.

So? Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits,

and do her in the restroom!

You're missing the point. No, no, no, no.

You're missing the point.