Drillbit Taylor

- Hello? - So what do you think?

- About what? - About tomorrow.

It's our first day of high school.

If we want to be popular, we just have to be proactive.

Calm your proactive ass down.

Saying you want to be popular guarantees it isn't gonna happen.

I'm gonna get a girlfriend. You think that's possible?

Anything's possible, Wade.

Just don't be needy.

You got to let it come to you. And one more thing.

From now on, I don't want you calling me Ryan.

Call me T-Dog.

- T-Dog? - Yep.

- What does the "T" stand for? - I don't know.

- But it sounds better than R-Dog. - Yeah.

You know, like, if a hot girl went up to you, and she goes,

"Hey, have you met T-Dog? Man, did you see what T-Dog did today?

"Man, that T-Dog is crazy!"

That sounds like a guy every woman would want to know.

- Hey, do I need a nickname? - You have one. Skeletor.

That was last year. I look good now. I'm filling out.

All right, name one part of your body that filled out, Wade.

Name one part of your body that isn't filled out, huh?

I'm not trying to offend you.

I'm just saying you shot up too fast and you're freakishly skinny.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're too fat and that's equally unattractive.

- You wanna go there? - I'm sorry.

It's just, I want things to go well, you know?

- Sorry I said you're freakishly skinny. - It's okay.

You just are.

Hey, go to sleep! It's 3:00 in the morning!

- What are you, crazy? - Sorry.

- Is that your stepdad? - No one.

- Give me that phone! Give it! - It's...

You're in high school now. Don't take his...

Go to sleep.

How about some chicks on the walls in here?

It's like a nerd paradise.

Time to make the donuts.

Hoo-rah!

Touchdown!

We won! We won the game! And Wade loses again!

- Get out of my room! - Dad said get up.

He's not my dad. He's your dad.

Fine, the guy who does your mom says get up.

- Just leave! - Loser!

Morning, sunshine. First day of school.

- Mom! - Oh, my God!

Since when did you start sleeping naked?

I'm in high school now, don't you remember?

I don't like elastic squeezing on my ass when I sleep!

Okay.

Hey! What are you doing in this shower?

Dawn? Rachel, that's right. Nice to see you.

Put your hands up Put your hands up

I'm the best white rapper you've ever seen

A hair!

- Oh, my God! - Look at that.

Thank you, ladies!

What's up, winners? You stoked? Pedal to the metal?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

All right. Who's a winner?

- I am! - I am!

Morning!

- Look at you, with your magic stick. - What do you think?

Magic is stupid.

No, no, honey.

- Mom! - What?

You forgot the sausages!

- I'll get the sausages. - Come on. I'm hungry.

All right, I'll get the sausages.

Excuse me, listen, I'm really sorry to bother you.

My family and I, we just ran out of gas

and we're trying to get to the kids to SeaWorld.

And, I, like an idiot forgot my wallet. If I can just...

- Your legs work okay? - Yeah, why?

You should walk somewhere and get a job.

- Harold... - I'll take care of it.

That's what I have, a job.

We'll get to SeaWorld one way or the other.

We're on our way to church. Maybe that's where you ought to go.

Thank you. Have a great day.

- Can you help out a veteran? - Not today.

- Get away from the car. - Honey, roll up the window.

Get away!

- What's your name? - Drillbit.

Listen, Drillbit, I wasn't born yesterday.

I don't want you using this on any marijuana or rye whiskey, okay?

- You got my word on it. - You know what?

- I'm gonna write "not for pot" on there. - You don't have to write.

Yeah. "Not for pot."

You're gonna feel pretty silly if you try to buy weed with that, won't you?

Remember, put your best foot forward.

People decide what they think about you in the first five seconds.

So, let me smell your breath.

Minty.

- You swipe on some deodorant? - Yeah.

- You dust the nuts? - No, Jim. I did not dust my nuts.

I'll never get tired of that one, Dad.

You know, you should hit the weights with the boys and me.

- I'll pass. - We'll get you in the gym.

We'll beef you up. Look at these guys. Show them. Give him a gun shot.

Give him a crab.

Worship the sun.

- Yeah, look at these guys. - They're freaks.

Not in my house!

- Have a great day. - Okay, I love you, Dad.

I love you, too. Have fun at school, Ryan. Bye.

- So what'd your dad say? - He told me to have fun.

Wow, great parenting.

I don't know how we're surviving without him.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

- He's a piece of shit, anyway. - Thank you, honey.

- Enchante. - Hello.

You got room for two in this little speedster?

I am in a rush now. But I hostess up at Moon Shadows on the one.

So if you get up there just, you know, ask for me. I'm Jessica.

- Thanks, Jessica. - Yeah.

'Cause our chef, Louis, always makes too much chowder.

So he'll set you up with a nice plastic bowl of it out back.

- You're late today. - Hey, get a job!

- You get a job. - I already got one, giving money to you.

- How're you doing, Mrs. Lampanelli? - All right.

- You look beautiful today. - You're a liar. But it works for me.

- Go on, get out of here, you nut! - You earned it.

And don't spend it on food. Porn only!

First day of high school.

- It's kind of scary. - Yeah, it sucks taking the bus.

Sure, last year we were the oldest so we got to sit in the back of the bus,

but now we'll probably have to sit in the front with the losers.

We'll be all right.

You have to have a proactive attitude if you wanna be popular in high school.

People decide what they think of you in the first five seconds.

I think you're a dork.

Oh, Wade.

- Oh, no. - This is uncool.

We can't start high school like this.

You got to be shitting me. Come on.

- Please, am I dreaming here? - No.

We're never allowed to buy the same shirt again!

Whoever sees it first gets to buy it.

You guys should wear red ribbons in your hair, too.

See? We both look like dorks. Go change.

No! I'm the one who was planning on wearing this.

Wade, I run the mile in 21 minutes!

How fast do you think I can go?

- Go! Hurry! - I'm going!

Wade, bus!

- Perfect! - Come on!

What a way to start high school, huh?

Let me guess. Two-for-one sale at Hot Topic?

- Losers! - Dorks!

We're dead.

First day of our high school careers.

All right, let's light this fuse and see what happens.

- Let's go, man. - All right.

Are you guys part of a bowling team?

Last one.

Hey, at least it'll be easy to find each other.

Yeah. I'll just look for the kid with the same shirt.

- Come on! - No, you have to spin it a few times first

to get it to work.

Thank you.

No, wait! Wait!

- What are you guys doing? Guys! - Now, shut it. Move!

- No, thanks. - Guys!

- Get out of the way! - Man!

- Here we go. - But that... That's not for me.

- That's for my books! - Okay, here we go.

- In there. - I am not a book!

- Get in there! - This is bad.

- This isn't my locker! Please! - No, this is good.

At least we know we're not the biggest dorks in school.

- Please, please, please! - Maybe we should say something.

It's survival of the fittest.

I've got to say something. I got to. I have to.

Say something? It's hilarious. The kid fits in the locker. Come on.

- That's not funny. - Somebody, help!

This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

- Help! Please! - Stop!

- I mean, you don't have to, but... - Harry Potter.

You need to keep your big mouth shut.

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell him.

- Hey! - Run! Everybody run! It's not safe here!

Hey, check this out. Matching shirt geeks.

Oh, my God.

Yo, Ron, these bitches really wanna wear the same shirt.

Let's make them wear the same shirt, huh?

Sounds good. Yeah.

The fat one here, the skinny one there, and just let go.

There.

You better keep that shit on,

'cause if I see you trying to take it off, you're dead.

And you know what happens if one of you dies? Both of you dies.

'Cause you're Siamese queers, bitches!

That's very cute.

You look like those Velcro monkeys who hug each other.

How was school, Wade?

We made so many friends, I can't even remember all their names.

- Great! You got to be in it to win it. - I am in it!