Vice Principals

But you should.

Neal Gamby and I are seeing each other.

It's that time of year again

for the high school assessment program.

Shouldn't tests be about learning?

It is. It's about the district learning

what an effective school we are,

and what an awesome fucking principal I am.

-(FART SOUND) -(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Ever since spring term started,

we stop teaching to the tests.

What the teachers have done is wrong.

It's a full mutiny.

North Jackson High School, they're in!

-(SCREAMING, LAUGHING) -They're in!

Christine!

Christine is gone.

Why do all these bad things keep happening to me?

Where the fuck are they?

Well, Nash said they'll be here, so they'll be here.

Heads up! It's Big Cuckoo,

and I brought the little birdy with me.

Uh, Nash said you wanted to see me?

What is this place?

I wanted to thank you for your help with the HSAPs.

Since certain enemies of the school revealed themselves,

I feel that what we did was right.

And now North Jackson is back on track.

Now, because those teachers

would eat a baby's dick to expose us,

we need to take this to the grave.

Now, I know that I can trust these two.

Can I trust you, Amanda?

Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna say anything to anyone.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Nash.

Snodgrass: Oh, um...

Is it-- is it okay if I don't use that

'cause of the blood all over it?

Cool. Thanks.

Uh...

Aah... (hisses)

My knife. Yup.

Russell: Then our blood pact is set.

Now we touch tips.

Great. Great.

So, what is everybody doing for spring break?

I'm heading west to Sedona.

Hit the spa. Hm.

This time tomorrow, I'll be tits-deep in goop.

Both: Hm. Hm. I hear you're, uh, going to the beach?

Yeah, I am. To Isle of Palms with my daughter.

Not Abbott though. She's not allowed to come to the ocean.

Mm.

What about you, Amanda?

Are you doing something interesting?

Yes, actually.

I'm going to an arts festival in Asheville.

They invited Brian to read from his new novel. Oh.

Nash: That's quite an honor.

It means a whole weekend where it's not just you sucking his meat-stick.

Snodgrass: Yup.

Should be cool. Well, great.

That's so great. I'm so happy to hear everybody's having such a...

a good, fun time at spring break.

I'm gonna be home,

alone in my bathrobe,

just being with me.

Just loving on me because...

I'm getting a divorce.

Oh, let's go right here.

This is how I feel about it. Gamby: Really?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Everybody, hands on top.

Happy spring break, y'all!

All right, settle down!

Settle down! I'm excited to get out of here too, but be civilized.

Hey. Hey, how's it going?

Why aren't you wearing your jean jacket? I don't know.

After closer looks, I don't really feel like it's my style.

We're not gonna see each other for a whole week. I hate it!

Yeah, it sucks big time.

Yeah. But like I told you,

you know, going to the beach is my daughter and I's tradition,

so it's kind of like a special bonding thing.

Oh, my God, you know what I just thought of just now?

What? What if I went with you guys?

Let's not even think about that 'cause that's never gonna happen, okay?

Are you sure you're not mad at me?

No, I'm fine.

It's just you seem weird, kind of distant.

I'm not acting weird. Hey, Sue.

I'm just trying to get these people out of here on time.

I have to tell you something. I'm nervous about it. Everything okay?

Just don't freak out 'cause it's actually really beautiful.

Well, I'm gonna freak out if you don't tell me what it is. What is it?

Remember that time when you tried to pull out and I leg-locked you?

Yeah.

Well, you sneezed inside of me.

I'm pregnant.

What?

Oh, fuck.

Are you fucking serious?

No, I'm not really pregnant.

I was trying to trap you.

Fuck, I'm gonna miss you so much. What the fuck?

Remind you what I taste like.

I love you.

Shit.

You should have told me you were comin'.

I would have disabled my perimeter defenses.

I'm sorry, Gamby.

I just had the ugliest meeting with Christine and her lawyer.

This will be the loneliest spring break ever

if I have to be in that big ol' house all by myself.

I feel for you, bud.

But I'm not sure what you want me to do about it.

I wanna come on spring break with you.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry, buddy,

but this week is reserved for me and Janelle.

But you said she's bringing a friend.

Can't you bring a friend too?

Look, we can-- we can-- we can even take my new Jeep.

I won it in the divorce.

It has leather seats, satellite radio,

it even has a motherfucking sunroof!

Cruise to the beach in style.

I mean...

Please?

Gamby: Cowabunga!

Who's ready to hang 10

at the beach? Surprise.

Yo, Neal, we were just gabbing with your lady-friend here.

What the fuck are you doing here? Abbo Got you some

homemade sugar browns here for your trip.

That's nice.

What? I'm sorry, did you not invite Jen

to come with you on the beach trip?

No, no, no, Gale.

I never ever thought that was part of this.

I know this trip is about Neal

having quality time with Janelle,

and I would never ever want to be in the way of that. Aww.

Let's kiss in front of your family. Gale: That's really nice.

Uh, Janelle, hey, cool. Time to go bye-bye.

Deb and Beth are still getting changed.

Hey, baby, did you pack your sunscreen?

Because you don't tan, you know, you burn.

Whatever, Mom.

Can you just stop acting like you know everything?

Ooh! She's cocksure like her father.

It's gonna be fun raising her.

She's just showing off in front of her friends.

Hey, Deb, Deb's the one you gotta watch out for.

She acts different around Deb.

Mean. Yeah.

Oh, maybe you do need me going along on this trip.

Do you mind if we step outside

so we can have a chit-chat in privacy?

You don't seem happy to see me.

Well, that's because I'm not.

I am on a very tight schedule

if I want to make the most of this trip.

How the hell did you even know where they live?

When we first started going out, I might have tailed you once. Jesus!

Do you know how super-psycho that sounds?

Whose Jeep is that?

That's my Jeep. It's a rental-- rental Jeep.

Look, let's go back inside the house now and--

Is that Lee Russell sitting in there?

No. Don't pay attention to that.

Go back in the fucking house right now! What the fuck, Neal?

Is he going with you?

Open your window.

Open it! Calm down, fuck-face.

Are you going on spring break? Yes, I am.

It was a last-minute thing, okay?

He's going through a divorce. He was being a good friend!

So, this fucking psycho-- You're a psycho!

No, no, no, you're a fucking psycho! You're a psycho!

Gamby: Guys! Oh no.

He can go on spring break but I can't?

That's some bullshit, Neal.

That is 100% Oh!

total fucking bullshit! Stop that.

Knock that shit off. What? That's so fucked up!

Fuck those sugar browns!

Gamby: Are you done?

Are you done spazzing out?

Yes.

Okay, girls, it's okay.

Bring your luggage. She's done.

Come on. Let's do it.

Hey, Ray! Hey, Janelle! Clean up these brownie things.

Hey, Uncle Lee. Okay? Ray works very hard on this lawn.

Russell: Hey! (kisses) Oh, it's so good to see you.

These are your friends? Yeah, sure.

Hey, I'm-- I'm Uncle Lee-Lee. Nice to meet you.