The Other One

No-one's touched the baba ganoush, I knew it!

I should never have gone off-piste with the nibbles.

Where is your dad?

Wow! That's stunning, Cathy!

You should be on Bake Off. Oh, it's nothing,

I just threw a few bits in a bowl.

Honestly, Rupert, it's probably disgusting.

She's our very own Mary Berry.

She's, like, 100 years old, Marcus.

Are you saying I look old, is that what you're saying? Seriously?

No, no, absolutely not!

Shall I go and put some candles on the cake?

I don't care. I can't even look at you right now.

Just to reiterate, absolutely nothing happened between me...

Not here. Right.

Everybody, apologies again for the delay.

I'm sure Colin will be here any minute.

What if he doesn't show up? Shut up, Rupert!

He's here! Hide, everyone!

Shhhh.

Oh, sorry I'm late, Tess. Mwah!

I told Rupert I'd stay for one birthday pint - one.

You know what he's like. I'm always amazed how much that man can drink!

Why are the lights off?

ALL, QUIETLY: Surprise...

Surprise.

Oh, shit.

Ooh, ooh!

Dad! Colin!

Dad!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

# For he's a jolly good fellow

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

I keep thinking about this thing Colin said once.

He said, um...

being in love was like having a good kind of tinnitus.

And I remember thinking that was a good way to put it.

And for 30-odd years, he was my lovely noise.

But it turns out that he had the same noise going on...

..with someone else.

So, I guess it was the horrid kind of tinnitus after all.

He was with her on his birthday.

Yeah.

With her and their daughter.

Who, by the way,

he also called Catherine.

I mean, I've heard of people buying their wife and their mistress

the same perfume, but this is just so much worse.

This is so much worse.

You bastard, Colin!

You lying, cheating, hypocritical bastard!

And do you know what, actually, I'm glad you died, I am glad you died!

And I hope you burn in hell, you absolute shit...! Come on.

And now, Colin's daughter, Catherine, will say a few words.

I'm so sorry, Cathy.

I just wanted to be here to support you while you met your new family.

I did, it's just, she's very angry now.

And she's threatening to e-mail it to you this afternoon,

and I thought you'd rather hear it from me than stumble across it.

What, your knob? Stumble across your knob,

like it's accidentally dropped off and fallen into my inbox?

I know, but I couldn't tell you over breakfast,

because your mum was there. Don't bring my mum into this.

I'm not, I love your mum, she's right up there with my own mum,

but we haven't had a lot of privacy since moving in with her, have we?

You can't tell her anything about this.

Our wedding is the only thing keeping her going.

Ohh!

You promised me nothing happened.

Nothing did happen between Meredith and me.

Physically. It was just some innocent office flirting

that got a bit out of hand. Oh, God, I hate myself so much right now!

Right.

I'm going to go and get my dead dad's ashes back.

You know you could get in a lot of trouble at work for this, Marcus?

Sending an explicit text to a colleague. It's probably illegal.

But she started it! It doesn't matter, Marcus.

Your knob's about to be flapping around the internet.

Unless you had some incredible lighting and some, like, trick perspective,

you're not going to come out of this well.

Hi. Hi.

Catherine Walcott!

Oh, come here.

Oh!

Oh, this is so weird.

So weird!

Do you ever use the full name, Catherine?

Oh, no, people just call me Cathy. Yeah, everyone calls me Cat.

I always thought Cathy was a bit frumpy, but it really works for you.

Come on, come inside.

Ohh! That is uncanny.

You two are the spit of each other.

Oh!

Cat got his lovely arse, you got his lovely eyes.

Oh, God!

I loved his arse and his eyes.

Oh, thanks ever so much for coming over, Cathy, love.

Do you want an energy drink?

Oh, I'm good, thanks. I'm trying to wean myself off caffeine.

It must be convenient, living right next to the hospital.

If ever you have an emergency, or...

routine procedures...

Yeah, it's great.

We can see the incinerators from our patio window.

Sometimes it smells like a barbecue, you know, like the back of Nando's?

Oh, it's dead nice.

How are you coping with his passing, darling?

Oh, really well, yeah.

Um, I've watched, like, every TED Talk there is on bereavement,

and I'm really rattling through the seven stages of grief.

I'm already on stage five, I skipped denial, so...

I'll probably go back to work quite soon.

What's your job? I work in reinsurance.

So, I guess in layman's terms, I insure insurance companies.

So, I basically manage risk.

I actually like to joke and I say, um, I'm not a risk taker,

I'm a risk taker-awayer.

Oh, my God, I love takeaways!

God, that's another thing we've got in common.

I work for Deliveroo, it's the best job ever.

At least twice a shift, someone rings and cancels the order late,

and I get to eat whatever's left in the bag.

Cool, cool.

So, what do you do, Marilyn?

Oh, I don't work.

It's very hard, with my condition.

How's your mum doing?

Oh, she's struggling, yeah.

She hasn't cried yet, so, um, it's hard.

I too find it hard.

Physically, I miss him the most.

I'm sure your mum has told you all about this,

but he was a

sexual shire horse of a man.

Was that your other half at the funeral,

the bloke with the fat hands? Oh, did he have fat hands?

Yeah, that was my boyfriend.

Well, my fiance, Marcus.

Oh! Fiance! Ooh!

When's the big day?

It's supposed to be June 12th, but everything's a bit up in the air.

Oh, God, this is so exciting!

I've never been a bridesmaid before.

Here, I won't have to pay for the dress, will I?

Well, we haven't really got that far yet. So, um...

Are you seeing anyone, Cat?

Well, this summer I finally completed Tinder,

so I'm just taking a bit of a breather.

Cool, cool.

I think the problem is, is that my parents set this really high bar,

because they were so deeply into each other.

Your father was deeply into me.

Often. OK, well, I should probably be off.

Thanks for picking up the ashes.

I don't really remember making that plan.

I went to collect him this morning, but you'd nipped in there first.

So, um, if it's OK by you guys,

do you mind if I take the urn back with me?

Of course you can take the urn.

Oh, OK, great!

We've already poured him into something a bit more Dad.

He got this tin for us from his holiday in Disneyland in Florida.

It's Disney World. Disneyland's in California.

Are you sure? Yeah. I was with him when he bought it.

All right, don't rub it in! Sorry, I...

So, how shall we do this?

Cos we should probably work out the, um...

..oh, I don't want to use the term custody, but, um...

I'd quite like him at weekends,

seeing as we could never have him then, when he was alive.

It's quite a lot of toing and froing, though.

I was thinking he might be better with us. At home.

The home that he chose to spend most of his life.

Because it was his home.

I suppose we could divide him in half.

You've got some bathroom scales, haven't you, Mum? Is that hygienic?

I'll give them a wipe first. We're not splitting him.

We only had half of him in life, so I don't want half of him in death,

too. OK, well, maybe we should just speed things up

and get on with the scattering. Yeah, it's weird.

This will be the first time we both know where he actually is.

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh!

God's sake, Marcus!

You're right, he has got fat hands!

At least we've got each other out of this, eh?

If you'd told me as a kid that I had an older sister...

You know there's only five days between us? Serious?

I thought you were, like, creeping 40!

God, I guess grief really does take it out on some people.

OK, well, we'll chat later, then, yeah?

For sure. I've got this all-inclusive talk and text plan.

So, there is no limit to the amount of texts I can send.

Great, that's...

Great.

MOBILE BEEPS

I just sent you the Bolivian flag.

For free.

You are welcome.

I'm so sorry.