Fresh Off the Boat

You're a good singer, Mrs. Shelmerdine.

In fact...Promotion.

You can take that shaky alto to the mines, nurse Watkins.

Ooh, Jessica town is looking great.

Except I hate seeing that empty hole every year.

Can't believe instead of a bakery,

I accidentally bought two bookshops.

Now they're in competition.

I'll never stop trying to hunt down

that Dickens village "white horse bakery,"

item number 5926-9.

It's my white whale.

Is that from "Moby Dick"?

I feel like that's one of those books

everybody says they've read,

but nobody's actually read it.

You never read "Moby Dick"?

It's an amazing story.

No, I know. I read it.

I see you haven't changed your views on Santa.

Well, there's room for improvement.

He flies around the globe in one night

to give the whole world presents.

What's there to improve?

He has no higher degree.

If you break it down,

he's either a toy maker or a glorified deliveryman.

Either way, he's labor, not management.

Look how long it took him to promote Rudolph.

Clearly not good at spotting talent.

And at his weight,

he shouldn't be eating milk and cookies at every single house.

No, he should just pack himself

a little bag of almonds and a pear.

Irish mayor.

Always drinking.

S02E10 The Real Santa

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This is my new version of Eddie's pimp walk.

I call it jazz walk.

No. This is jazz walk.

I took intro to Bob Fosse

as an elective sophomore year.

- You did? - I sure did.

Oh, okay.

Louis, I did it.

I improved Santa.

What do you mean "improved"?

Dad, did you know Santa was an aeronautical engineer

and an accomplished scientist?

Oh, really?

I thought he was just a jolly guy

who comes at Christmas.

He is, but he also went to Princeton.

Mom said he studied every night

and didn't waste time on girls or beer.

He prefers for people to focus on his charity work,

but the money he made from science

is what pays for all the toys.

It makes sense.

He must know physics to build a flying sleigh.

And if he owns the patent, he must be M.C. Hammer rich!

Or maybe it's just a part of the Christmas magic!

What are you doing?

What aren't I doing?

You shouldn't mess with tradition.

Why'd you have to "improve Santa" all of a sudden?

Because, Louis.

Evan deserves for Santa to be the best.

We've got the Cattleman's Ranch breakfast with Santa

at the restaurant tomorrow.

What happens if Evan asks him

a bunch of math and science questions?

Just tell whoever's playing Santa

to brush up on their algebra, physics, and basic trig.

Mitch is playing Santa.

Can we split the check, please?

Sure.

We need to find a new Santa.

Okay, well, we need an older white guy

with an advanced degree

who enjoys children sitting in his lap.

I'd love to play Santa.

Oh, and I can do his makeup!

I interned as a makeup artist

- for the traveling tour of "Cats." - Ahh.

Was that the summer you were a lesbian?

Good memory! But no.

No, it was the previous summer,

when I met that woman who owned the cranberry bog.

Oh, right.

- Mm. - Right.

Anyway, it'd be an honor to play Santa.

Oh, great!

- It's gonna be so much fun! - Yeah.

Now, this binder contains equations that support the math

of Santa's transcontinental one-day flight.

And this binder contains the complete history

of Santa and Evan's interactions over the past five years.

Oh.

I know it's a lot, but Evan's smart.

Uh, well, he's met his match.

I mean, you don't get to be one of Orlando's top 100 dentists

by not being smart.

Oh, what number in the top 100 are you?

I have it all under control. Don't worry about it.

I wonder what Lorraine is up to.

Isn't it funny how people just come into your life, and...

- Yeah. - ...then go?

What's this noise?

My Christmas present for mom.

It's an exact replica of the "white horse bakery"

that's missing from Jessica town.

What are you gonna get mom for Christmas?

I don't know.

Well, when are you gonna figure it out?

I don't know.

Thoughtful presents are always appreciated.

Remember last year when I wrote that historical novel

based on grandma's life, "A pearl for God"?

She loved it.

Did she, though?

Grandma!

What?

You got to come here!

What did Emery get you last year for Christmas?

The historical novel.

_

_

_

- What? - And what did I get you?

_

_

We wish you a merry breakfast!

Eat up and come meet Santa!

Oh, try our peppermint cornbread!

Sounds gross, but tastes...

Freshens your breath!

I can't wait to talk to Santa about science and math!

Great, but don't ask Santa too many questions.

He's a busy man.

He has enough time to spend two hours every night

talking to his mother over tea.

She will always be his favorite woman.

What happened to your hands?

I burnt my fingers using the hot-glue gun on mom's present.

We have a hot-glue gun?

Why haven't we glued Evan to the wall yet?

Okay, guys!

I just got word that Santa has arrived!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Santa!

Come, we have so much to discuss!

So, to calculate lift,

it's coefficient times density times the velocity squared

times the area of the wing divided by two.

And that's factoring in Rudolph's body weight?

Absolutely.

We wouldn't want to fly too low

and clip off the chimney tops.

Heaven forbid!

Marvin really looks like Santa.

Is that a prosthetic nose?

Yep. It's the same one i used on Skimbleshanks.

That means nothing to me.

Anyway, I know it's not Christmas yet, but...

I found you the perfect gift, and I couldn't wait.

Oh!

The bakery?!

What the Mary?

How did you get this?!

Oh, Marvin's first wife

left a box of Christmas decorations in the garage,

and this was in there.

And some cocaine.

Like I said, there were some problems before I came along.

I love it! Yay!

Oh, thank you so much!

You're welcome.

Santa was great!

He's so smart, and...

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho...

no!

Who the hell is that?

I'm Santa!

Wait. If this Santa's Mitch, then who's that Santa?

What's going on?

You know what, Evan? It's time you know the truth.

Jessica...

He's figured it out, Louis.

We have no choice but to come clean.

Evan, we've been lying to you.

This Santa is Mitch.

And look.

This Santa is Marvin.

Both of these Santas are fake

because the real Santa...

is Chinese.