Your Family or Mine

This is pretty exciting, isn't it?

Really is.

We've made every green light on the way to your parents'.

What are the odds?

I meant the fact that we're renewing our vows today.

Oh, right.

Of course I'm excited for that.

And finally, after 10 years,

I get a chance to make up for my wedding-vow fiasco.

Honey, it wasn't a fiasco.

Did anyone even notice?

Okay. Um...

Uh...

When I first met you, um...

Kelli.

Kelli, um...

I didn't fully...

understand things...

Ah...

I'd just love to get through our vows today

without Shawni upstaging me like she did at the first wedding.

We've been invited here today to witness and celebrate

the uniting in marriage of Kelli and Oliver.

What's everybody looking at?

Oh, my God.

Their new life together.

Boob.

Bo-o-o-o-ob!

Shawni, your boob's out.

It is an all-consuming...

It was really nice of your parents

to offer to let us do this at their house.

They love doing stuff like this.

Whenever my mom gets to make mini quiches

and my dad doesn't have to get on the "goddamn freeway,"

they're in.

Although, having both our families together in one place

is probably a little risky.

Especially Shawni and Jason.

Oh, right.

They haven't seen each other since they hooked up

at my birthday party like five years ago.

Yeah. Well, that one was kind of your fault.

Honey, an adult sleepover birthday party?

Never a great idea.

S01E10 The Vows

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

Oh.

Hi!

Oh, the house looks amazing, mom.

Oh, honey.

We're just so tickled you decided to do it here.

Although I did love being at your parents' country club.

I still have a whole purse full of matches, mints, and golf tees.

Oh, screw that snob factory, Jan.

We're doing it the Durnin way this time.

Nobody's gonna be treated like a second-class citizen

at our little shindig.

They wouldn't even let me inside.

That's because you weren't wearing a jacket,

which the invitation said was required.

Ooh, sorry I don't speak calligraphy.

But, honey, then the nice man out front lent you his.

He was a parking valet.

I'm not even gonna bring up the whole seating issue.

Officiant: Life together. The ability...

- Well, I can't see shit. - Tsk.

This is unbelievable.

We're the goddamn mother and father of the bride!

That has been...

Is that Shawni's tit?

Oh, God! They're here!

Hello, hello.

Here you go, buddy.

And there's a 10 spot in it for you

if you leave the car sitting in front.

I'm not a valet, Louis.

I'm a regional award-winning college professor.

It was a joke.

Nice to see you again.

I'm keeping these, by the way.

Jan, that's quite a dress. Who is it?

Oh, Jo-Ann fabrics. I made it myself.

It's lovely. You could never tell.

Except for the uneven lines and the fit.

Oh, uh, uh, Ricky, Louis,

you remember our daughters, Shawni and Dani, right?

Of course.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Didn't you date our son Blake a while back?

She did.

Fingers crossed

for another Durnin-Weston wedding at the club.

Sadly, dear, my fingers don't do that.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Just had to...

Dani. Hey.

Hey, Blake. You look amazing.

Thanks.

Sometimes my biceps rip my shirts.

- You look awesome. - Thanks.

I've only eaten three bananas and a Twix since Wednesday.

Wow.

Hey, so, do you maybe want to get back together

just for the ceremony today?

Totally. And then we'd break up again right after?

Yeah, 'cause I have a date with this congressman guy tomorrow.

We're going to a hotel, and we have to use fake names.

Mine's gonna be "shh."

What's the matter, dear?

You don't seem as excited for this as your mother clearly is.

No, I'm super excited

to watch my older sister have a second wedding

when I haven't even had one

and I have a boyfriend that I'm pretty sure

isn't gonna propose to me ever.

Uh-oh.

Trouble in...

Well, not paradise.

Hey, how are your nerves?

Oh, not a problem

because I wrote everything down on note cards.

Yep.

And they're kind of amazing...

even better than last time.

I quote Shakespeare...

and Iggy Azalea, so...

Hi. Hey.

Ricky: Ohh!

My son the doctor!

- Wow. Even here. - Yeah.

Where's Claire?

Oh, there wasn't any parking,

so I had her drop me off.

Oh, Jason.

You remember my daughter Shawni?

Of course.

Hey, Shawni.

Hey, Jason.

- Sorry I never called you. - What?

You know, five years ago, Kelli's slumber party.

God, did we destroy that sleeping bag.

Dude, it was just a stupid drunk thing,

I wasn't expecting a call.

Look, my wife knows, just an FYI,

but no reason to bring it up, you feel me?

Hard to bring up something I barely remember.

I found a parking spot,

but it was up on the hill.

I'm good, babe.

Jan, you know my sister-in-law Claire, right?

No, I don't.

Hello, Claire. You look beautiful.

Thanks. And?

Wow, like, no insult? I love you!

You must be Shawni.

It's great to meet you.

You're the one that had sex with Jason?

What did she just say?

Nothing, dad. Nothing.

You had sex with her?

Wai... okay. Gil, calm down.

Don't "Gil, calm down" me.

If he had sex with her, you know what that means?

He was drunk?

It means that every boy in your family

had sex with every girl in my family.

Are you kidding me?!

Why are you angry at me?

I married the one I had sex with.

Your family literally screwed my family.

You rich people with all your money,

you think can do whatever you want, like you rule the world.

Well, there's one thing that you can't take care of...

me calling off this goddamn ceremony!

Come on, Jan.

Nobody have sex with my wife while I'm upstairs.

I thought if anyone would ruin today,

it would be Shawni, not dad.

But he's gonna come back downstairs, right?

We have to still do our thing.

Honey, everyone has to hear my vows.

You're gonna cry. I call you "my precious dove" like twice.

Everyone, please just relax, enjoy some hors d'oeuvres.

Uh, Shawni, there's another platter

in the kitchen. Would you run and get it?

Great. Now I'm the not-married hors d'oeuvres lady?

Gil and I will be down in a sec,

and we'll all have the beautiful ceremony

we've all waited 10 years to enjoy.

Gil! Jesus Christ!

So...

- How was it? - How was what?

The sex with Jason, dummy.

You seriously want to talk about that?

Well, why not? I mean, we have stuff in common.

Like... like we both slept with the same guy.

My husband, Jason, the doctor.

Okay, look, I'm not really having the best day,

so I don't want to talk about it, okay?