Married Single Other

Deja vu and small seizures can indicate something not so good.

Hi, Eros. Harry, I owe you.

I saw Dickie today. He was helpful with a patient I got stuck with.

I let you out of my sight and you slide back two years.

You have a grade three tumour at the top of your brain stem.

Who's Fabiana?

I thought I wanted my old life back. I realised all I wanted was you.

Don't do it again. How long?

Six months, maybe less.

No, because that... No, that is five thousand...

I know that's what it is.

Lil? Morning!

Dad. Dad.

Talk to her. Talk to her.

I need to speak to her, OK, OK.

What?

The...

The boys and I have discussed it and...

it's not enough.

It is plenty and it is also all you are allowed to spend now.

We had big plans.

Which, due to a change in circumstances, have been officially cancelled.

So new plan, fast and cheap.

£500, baby. You can't get much for that these days

Edward, I have sold my 'useless, never-once-made-me-a-millionaire' premium bonds

and the wedding will cost what I got for them. Exhibit A: 500 quid.

We are not borrowing money, not now.

That's not what I want, Ed.

Harry.

Will you please go and take the entire contents of your wardrobe

off the floor in your room, put it in the large basket

whose use you do not seem to understand?

Take the mystery basket to the white thing with a round window in it,

and see if you can work out what it does.

Lets hope it's some domestic robot we haven't fired up yet.

No, no, that's me.

And I am about to retire.

I've saved some money.

Birthdays, Christmas and exam results.

Which you're not wasting on floral table decorations.

The goldfish have disappeared behind a wall of green.

Go and do something about that.

Thank you.

We wanted a perfect day.

And it will be.

£500 worth of perfection.

OK.

I'll check the Millennium Community Hall.

Oh, sounds nice.

I shouldn't. I wouldn't... I mean, I haven't.

Oh, but you're such a good public speaker, Babs.

It's just cruel, though, isn't it? Why don't you ask Dickie to do it?

He is Eddie's oldest friend, and he is actually a man!

As in, you know, best man!

Yeah, apparently, I seem to be the last feminist on earth

and I don't understand why the women stay silent

in this cave-man-created ceremony.

So you're best man. And Dickie, by the way, is going to be busy.

With what? Well, I'm gonna talk to him first.

I'm trying to make sure that everyone else has something

to occupy themselves while I prepare.

For the wedding? No, for after the wedding.

Oh, Lord.

What can I do to help, then?

You can be my best man.

No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Hang on! How about if I was...

the wedding dress woman, organiser type thing?

Because you'd be completely shit and that's why God gave us Abbey.

Yeah, I'm going to be absolutely shit at this!

You know, spectacular, epic shit!

I'm shit at public speaking!

You can't take this on honeymoon. She'll be fine.

Please, Lil, it's miles!

I know, but it's got an engine and six wheels.

What do you think they're for? Where will I live?

In our house. We're going to take the boys. You know, time's precious.

I'll have to fix things up a bit.

You think?

She could probably do with a run, actually.

Free honeymoon - tick.

All right, with the economy package you have cocktail of prawns

or soup of oxtail for the starter.

Erm...

Prawn cocktail, I guess.

Good. Actually, no. Sorry, no. That's the deluxe option.

With the eco package it's soup of oxtail or juice d'orange, tumbler.

Lets go for...half soup, half orange juice.

An artful compromise, my friend.

What about decorations?

Can you do anything to make it look less...shite?

Afraid not.

Come on.

Cheer up, Ed. We've had dead bodies in the back on better form than you.

Sorry.

Is it totally shit, bruv?

It's a one-day-at-a-time thing.

What, today is especially bad?

I wanted it to be magical

and, you know, this place is just rubbish. Listen, dim wit.

If you're not happy with the Aldi cut-price wedding,

let's do something about it.

Why don't you just remortgage the house? I can't.

Why not? Because it's not what Lillie wants.

Quick, it's Stupendo. He's done it again.

Hey.

All right, mate? OK, guys, move aside, move aside.

Cheers.

It's the scimitars, see?

They sometimes get stuck.

Yeah, its probably best not to talk, Stupendo.

OK. Call me Steve.

It's best not to talk, Steve.

Flo will drive us slowly over the bumps

and we'll soon have you and your pointy friend in separate beds. Yeah?

Whoa!

Oh, hello.

I've been asked to be Lillie's best woman.

Oh, that's nice. No, it's not. I've got to talk.

Out loud in front of people.

You'll be fine. No, I won't be fine.

I will not be in the same post code as fine.

I will, be in Meltdown, Tennessee.

I will be the Lady Mayoress of Meltdown.

Just say the bride looks lovely and you make a toast.

All right, erm...

Let me try some lines on you. Don't do lines.

Ahem.

Did you hear the one about the newlywed

who had a heart attack every time she orgasmed?

She didn't know whether she was coming or going.

You're not serious?

I just thought it would be weird if no-one mentioned death or anything.

Babs, there is not a human being alive who thinks like that.

I'm panicking. All right, I'm in a flat out spin,

from which I will never recover.

There are people on fire who are in less of a panic than me.

You're gonna be fine. I'm going to die, aren't I?

I'm going to die on stage like Tommy Cooper

without the preceding hilarity.

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses

to Edward and his beautiful new bride Lillian.

Oh, you'd love it to be that simple, wouldn't you?

Help me scrub and I'll work on some gags for you.

No. You were right. I've got to go for poetic.

Epic.

Not a dry eye in the house.

Did I say that? I'll be back!

And when I am, I am gonna make Terms Of Endearment look

like the Cannon And Ball Christmas special.

I can't believe you've stolen this many dresses.

No, just borrowed. Listen, I still really want to see you in this one.

OK, but, you know, just one more, then I've got stuff to do.

Abs, can I ask you one more favour?

Mm-hm. Can you make me up?

Yeah. Of course. I'll be round at dawn Saturday

with an artic lorry full of paints and potions.

No, I mean, like now. Can you make me look good today?

Yeah, sure.

I want to look my best today.

I have something to do.

That's no problem.

Well, that's the one, isn't it?

OK. It'll do.

OK. Yes? No?

No.

The key is not to fumble

and, in an ideal world, do it one-handed.

And you must walk a very fine line

between being so flash at it that you are an obvious male slut

and giving off the unmistakable funk of the virgin.

So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please -

So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please -

pinch the clasp together with thumb and forefinger,

that sucker will just ping right off.

Have a shot.

Jock.

Goth.

So, don't blame me if I don't do this right.

It's my first time.

She's cool.

Your mum.

Yeah, she is.

See you at the wedding?

Not if I see you first.

Bringing a date?

Oh, yeah because 'Hi, do you want to come see my dying mum's emergency wedding?' is such a girl catcher.

Fair point.

You? Eros.

Still ploughing on with that one?

You're annoyed about the club thing. I'm sorry.

In a life smothered in cool, that was less than cool.

No worries.

Pass the ball, lads.

And don't let any girl treat you badly.

And don't pine.

If you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, go out and love someone else, OK?

Someone smart enough to love you back, Joey.

What's wrong with the dry cleaners on the corner, anyhow?

Vintage lace has to be handled with care. These guys are the best.

Just drive.