A Thousand and One Erotic Nights

- Long ago, in the ancient kingdom of Asia Minor,

there lived a sultan whose name was Chaka Khan

and who claimed to be a direct descendant

of the great Genghis Khan.

It was only a claim, but then being sultan

gave him the right to lay claim to whatever he wished.

His word was law.

It was good to be the Sultan.

Among the Sultan's greatest treasures

was the most charming and beautiful harem

in all of Asia Minor and among them was a jewel.

Her name was Scheherazade

and she lived by her wits as well as her beauty.

As our story begins,

the Sultan was already married and at war.

- I am ready, my Lord Sultan, ask.

- What I must know from the stars is this,

should I lead my men out in search of the enemy

or wait for him to attack?

- The Sultan loved his wife

and trusted her completely.

Unfortunately, the Sultana did not return the favor.

Don't tease, give it back

Tell me!

The sultan is ugly, you're handsome

What else?

The sultan is like a pin

and mine?

A monster! Please!

Just put the head in

Do that and I promise

You will soon be sultan

Please

and where is the sultan now?

With his advisors

Please don't tease

Make love to me

Does my lady the sultana command it?

Yes

Then I obey

- I see that the sun enters Gemini 12 days hence.

Is that good?

That is good, my Lord.

A full moon occurs in mid heavens two days later.

Is that also good?

No my Lord, that is bad,

but Mars is close to Saturn in Capricorn

and that, my Lord, is--

- Yes? - Good.

The time is right for battle.

- I did not ask if the time is ripe,

I asked if I should march out against the enemy

or wait for him to attack.

- The stars give signs of victory.

However there is something that worries me.

Yes?

- The planets, especially Jupiter and Venus.

What does that mean?

- Because of the position of Jupiter to Venus,

the planet Mars is in decline.

That is bad.

- No my Lord Sultan, that is good,

but then, Jupiter moves into Libra.

Which is bad?

No.

Which is good?

No.

Then what?

- Well I don't really know, my Lord,

I cannot read the stars further than that.

- Thank you, Chief Astrologer, you've been a big help.

Where is General Sargon?

I must speak with someone who is sane.

- The general is at camp with his troops, Your Majesty.

I'll leave at once.

No, no, I'll go myself.

I need some fresh air.

Tell the Sultana I'm gone.

- As soon as she returns, Your Majesty.

The Sultana rose early and is out for a ride.

- Meanwhile, the Sultan was galloping

towards Sargon's camp.

Do you like surprises?

Yes, tell me.

You are sure?

Yes, what is it?

I'll show you.

He's a gift.

Is he bigger than you?

Bigger?

Look, see for yourself.

- As the Sultan approached General Sargon's tent,

he stopped and for a moment,

he thought he heard the voice of the Sultana.

It was impossible.

Then, he heard it again,

and in a timber that was particular to her,

only on certain occasions.

The Sultan's heart sank.

Stealthfully he crept up and with his dagger,

he made a slit in the tent.

Gathering his courage, he looked inside.

It was worse than he imagined.

His most trusted ally and his beloved Sultana

were uniting against him and plotting his overthrow.

The Sultan watched and listened.

In this way, he learned their plans

and being ready, defeated them.

The Sultan celebrated his victory with lust and full joy.

So long did he brood over the betrayal by his wife

that he eventually became persuaded

that no woman was to be trusted.

He resolved that each night,

he would choose a girl from his harem

and after passing one night with her,

she would be strangled in the morning.

This, he believed, would be a sure cure

against any future disloyalty.

Every night before supper,

the harem keeper would approach

with a basket filled with tiles.

A girl's name was inscribed on each tile

and once picked, her fate was sealed.

Tonight would be her last night on Earth.

- Who is your choice

for tonight, my Lord Sultan?

Scheherazade, you have been chosen.

- Scheherazade knew what was to come

and promised herself that with her, it would be different.

As she was being prepared, she devised her plan

and resolved not to be dead in the morning.

Her plan depended on arousing the Sultan's curiosity.

Scheherazade.

How old are you, my child?

19, my Lord.

It's a pity.

How did you come to my harem?

I was a gift, Great Sultan.

An Assyrian gave me to you in order to insure safe passage

for his caravans.

The Assyrian was a fool.

You're worth much more than that.

Thank you, my Lord Master.

- It's custom that you entertain.

Do you have talent?

Some say I do.

Do you dance?

No, my Lord Master.

Do you sing?

- No my Lord, I can neither sing nor dance.

Then what?

I tell stories.

It is my only talent.

I've collected them in my travels.

With your permission,

it would give me great pleasure to tell you one.

I would be consoled on this final night.

Uh,

then tell.

- In her effort to stay alive,

Scheherazade began her first story.

The tale concerned a poor and hapless fisherman

who lived in the Province of Thrace, near the Aegean Sea.

- It was also the fisherman's misfortune

to have a wife who was a hag

and as fat as an elephant and as ugly as a vulture.

Not only that, but she was vicious and jealous

and the only peace she would allow him

was when he went fishing.

Each day, on the way to the sea,

he would pass the house of a noble woman

and without being seen,

he found that he could look into her window.

This was the only joy in the fisherman's life

and it seemed enough just to catch a glimpse of her.

Then, there was one day when fate took a hand.

As the fisherman watched, he became as excited as the woman

and all day, while he fished,

he thought about what he had seen.

He believed it was a good omen,

but when he drew in his nets,

he found that he had caught nothing

except a small jar made of yellow copper.

Curiously, he examined the jar on all sides,

shook it and then to satisfy his curiosity, pried it open.

To his amazement, a thick smoke began to billow forth

from the vessel and in fear,

he dropped the jar to the ground,

but the smoke continued to rise,

became a mist and the mist became a solid mass

in the shape of a great genie.

The genie regarded the fisherman with a fierce look

and said, "I will grant thee two wishes as a reward

"for having set me free,

"but then, because it is my nature,

"I will surely kill thee."

Now the fisherman knew that it was impossible

to argue with a genie so instead,