Young Werther

Hi, Paul.

- It's Werther, sitting under a linden tree.

Just a type of oak, apparently,

kind of smells like lukewarm ejaculate.

Have you ever noticed that about oak trees?

Anyway, I'm bleeding from the upper face part of my head

pretty profusely, and I'm probably dying.

All because of stupid love.

Tell my mother the Dia Viari horse is on my desk

at the hotel,

and I never really hated her.

Call me if you get a chance.

Miss you.

- They left my sleep apnea machine

on the platform in Montreal.

Did you bring a copy of the will?

Mm-hm.

- Still don't think this is a good idea.

- You don't think anything's a good idea?

- It's a six largest city in North America, Werther.

It's one day, Paul.

- You could get shot by a rapist.

- Or accidentally take the metro downtown instead of uptown?

Come on.

Don't joke about that.

Just try to enjoy yourself.

Once I retrieved Judith's precious little horse

from her thieving sister, my trust will be released,

and I will be off to Europe for a summer of adventure

while you return to Westmount

to have the worst three months of your life.

- It's not my fault I'm afraid of Europe.

- World War One ended 100 years ago,

and apparently it wasn't even so bad.

- It was one of the worst things that ever happened,

and it could happen again at any moment.

Isn't this the way the hotel?

- So, there is this place that supposedly makes the

best gelato known to humanity.

I didn't bring Lactaid.

- One quick stop and then we will head straight

to my aunt and uncle's to pick up the horse sculpture.

What is it?

You get distracted.

You have trouble following through.

Well, that's just not true.

Name one pursuit I've abandoned.

Your old country band.

Woo!

Artistic differences.

- Your fine art photography of oceanography PhD

stemmed inside the carcasses of beached whales.

- In fairness, the whales did not beach themselves

anywhere near as frequently as necessary

for the project to be a success.

- And of course, your memoir.

- My memoir is still in progress.

I just haven't had enough life experience yet.

- We're returning the horse to your mom tomorrow, right?

That's the only reason I agreed to this trip.

Tomorrow. Come on.

Tut-tut-tut-tut.

Beautiful.

Woohoo. Mm, mm.

Marshmallow is my new favorite.

I think I'm getting a sunburn.

I'll just meet you at the hotel.

Paul?

My sister is eighteen, so no,

she doesn't wanna fly down to Miami with you

on your sick jet, which probably belongs to your father,

who's also your boss, and who, if given the chance,

would be competing with you for my sister, again, 18,

which is younger than the daughter he has

with the stepmother you used to fantasize about

while showering.

- I have never wanted anyone more.

- I never fantasized about Brooke.

Charlotte, what was that?

- That was called protecting my little sister

from a sex criminal.

Thank you, Charlotte.

- 1% over there definitely fantasized about Brooke,

but how constantly?

Like three times a day, every seven seconds?

Did he picture his dad being like part of it, or?

"Franny and Zooey" Nice.

- It's first edition, it's signed.

- I mean, you're brave to bring something so valuable

out into the world.

- It was a very thoughtful gift from my sister.

Ugh, who reads?

You should have gotten Charlotte

that diamond bracelet from Tiffany's,

or a new vibrator.

- What? Diamonds are a girl's best friend?

I've read about that.

I'm Werther, by the way.

- I'm Sissy Buff. This is Melanie.

And my older sister Charlotte, it's her birthday today.

- Happy birthday Miss Charlotte Buff.

- Thank you, we're actually just having

a bit of a girl's day though, so it's nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you too.

Before I go though, I'm from Westmount, Montreal,

only here for the day.

If you guys have any recommendations.

- You should come to Charlotte's party tonight.

- Well, I love parties. - I don't know

if we'll actually be going.

- You never go to parties or do anything fun.

It's your birthday, be a normal human for once.

It's at the Claudine Hotel at 10:00 PM.

We will definitely be there.

- 10:00 PM, I will see you there.

Fun.

Oh, excuse me. Hi Paul.

Where are you?

- I'm on the subway to my aunt's house.

- I can hear your inseam being measured.

I'm at Peruzzi's.

Are you replacing the sheets in the hotel?

- What's the condition of the horse?

- I met a girl. - Werther!

- No, she's incredible. She's smart.

She's funny, she's adorable.

She's maternal, she's loquacious,

and she's a reader, who reads, Paul?

- Why are at you at Peruzzi's if you haven't

picked up the horse yet?

- Well, rush tailoring stops at four.

That doesn't make any sense.

- Well, I only brought one suit with me, Paul,

and I'm hardly showing up at Charlotte's party

wearing the same thing as this afternoon, am I?

Who's Charlotte?

The girl from today that you just met?

- The girl from today that I think I'm in love with.

This all seems to be in order.

The horse was left to your sister.

Why would you do this?

- She wants it because I want it.

But why do you want it?

It's not even a nice representation.

Because she wants it.

Sisters.

If my wife and your mother would end this foolishness,

but tell me, how are you?

What will you be doing with yourself this summer?

- I'm off to Europe for expat adventures.

Material for my memoir.

Oh, material, eh?

The silky and lacy variety?

Something like that.

- Let me tell you about the material

you hope to gather in Europe.

Seek out smart, confident progressive women.

Real spitfires. They'll challenge your wits,

and make you reconsider your very outlook on both yourself

and the wider world.

That's good advice.

- And no condoms. They feel terrible.

Thank you.

Room 405.

I like your shoes. - Thank you.

Are you insane?

I didn't, um.

- It's basic physics. - Up, up.

Unbelievable.

Incredibly smooth.

You're like a young Dr. No era Sean Connery.

- Girls are always saying that to me.

- Is it because you slapped them before kissing them

or because you're insufferable

about Scottish national politics?

Both. Champagne?

No, thank you.

- Come on, everybody deserves a glass of champagne

on their birthday.

- I'm actually just about to leave.

- I just arrived. - No offense.

My sister invited you.

- Yeah, where is the charming Sissy?

Her fake ID is my ID, so.

December 15th, 1990.

- I promised her I'd stay until 10:30,

which is five minutes from now.

Don't you want to hang out

with all your friends on your big day?

- I don't really know anybody here.

What about Melanie?

- At a certain point in the evening,

she's just on her own journey.

Ah,

you're having a good birthday?

- It was fine. - Just fine?

Just fine.

- What did you want to do today that you did not get to do?

It's not that.

- You wanted to ride a mechanical bull.