Balls of Fury

Substitles : Passion_MAN

1936, Jesse Owens. 1960, Cassius Clay.

And now in 1988, the name on everyone's lips,

US table tennis champion, Randy Daytona.

You've seen him in Sports Illustrated, on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.

You may even already own his McDonald's collector's glass.

The golden boy who iced Iceland in round one,

and checked off Czechoslovakia in round two.

So why don't we take a moment to meet the real Randy Daytona?

Here he is showing us his skills with his lucky Def Leppard paddle

that's won him over 200 amateur matches.

With him, as always, his coach and father, Sergeant Pete Daytona, of the US Marines.

Randy, you're only 12 years old, and already they're saying

that your name will go down among those

of the greatest Ping-Pong players ever to take up the sport.

And right offhand, I don't know what those names are.

Randy, the eyes of all America, and indeed the entire world,

will be on you tonight.

USA! USA! USA!

2:45 am. The moment you've all been waiting for.

The men's table tennis semifinals.

Tiny balls, bouncing for gold.

USA! USA! USA!

Now, presenting the United States of America,

Randy Daytona!

Here he is,

entering to his unofficial theme song, Rock of Ages,

by the super group Def Leppard.

I love you, Randy!

Hey, big guy, I just want to make sure you're ready.

Have you seen my dad?

No.

Where were you?

You think I'd miss this?

You didn't put money on this, did you?

Dad, you promised.

Try not to think about it, okay?

Now, presenting East Germany,

Karl Wolfschtagg!

Deutschland! Deutschland! Deutschland! Deutschland!

May the best man win, huh?

I will destroy him!

Beat that Kraut!

Breathtaking intensity surrounds the table

as Daytona and Manslaughter fire away at each other.

Daytona's in the groove.

Both men distancing themselves from the table now.

There's a high elevation lob. Tremendous accuracy.

And a smash by Manslaughter. And Randy Daytona makes the save.

One more smash! And now Daytona goes back.

Farther back!

Back!

And the crowd rises in anticipation!

He stretches.

Look out!

Shit!

Randy? Randy? You okay?

Randy? Randy?

Randy Daytona, unable to finish.

Match forfeit to East Germany.

Randy?

I'm going to Disneyland!

Come on, guys. Can't we talk about this?

Mr. Feng does not extend credit.

Gentlemen, time is money.

Chop-chop.

Jesus!

Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles here in Korea.

As Reno's golden boy was humiliated in the semifinals,

and if he lives to be 100, he'll never live down that Disneyland line.

If he returns to America, a life of shame.

(SINGING) Two tickets to paradise!

Won't you pack your bags? We'll leave tonight

I got... Two tickets to paradise!

I got... Two tickets to paradise!

Let's go to heaven

Yeah! Thank you!

Take a bow, honey.

There she is!

All right, let's keep the love going for our very next act,

The Peppermill's very own Ping-Pong wizard...

Randy Daytona! Randy Daytona!

Come on, let's bring him out.

How's everybody feeling this afternoon?

All right!

I don't want to work.

I just want to bang on these drums all day long. Am I right?

Hey!

Thank you!

Hey, a volunteer! How you doing, buddy?

I was just going for more Cheese 'n Mac.

Stop!

Thank you!

We're in the biz

to bring the bewonderment of live theater to these people,

so they will stay for the loosest slots on The Strip.

Not to give them a heart attack, Randy!

Sorry, Rick. It will never happen again.

I know because you're fired.

Get your stink out of my theater.

Sorry, Randy.

But some agent was looking for you backstage.

Maybe he missed the show.

Thank you, Bethany.

My name's Sarah.

Are you kidding me? Uh-uh.

You've called me Bethany for the past five years. It's fine.

Mr. Daytona? Yeah.

Ernie Rodriguez, FBI.

Oh, God! I didn't mean to hurt that guy!

How could I know that he had a bad heart?

That's not why I'm here.

Hey, actually, I thought that was part of the show.

Till the paramedics showed up, I was laughing my ass off.

Well, am I in some kind of trouble or...

No.

I came to ask you for your help.

The FBI needs you to take part in a top-secret mission.

One that calls for a man of your unique skills.

I'm not joking, man. I'm FBI. I swear.

Come on, man. You got a hidden camera on you, right?

Cut it out. You're not allowed to do that.

Fake gun and everything.

Now why don't you put on some big boy pants

and we'll go for a ride.

The man with the umbrella is our target.

I think you'll want to help us catch him, Randy.

His name is Mr. Feng.

Mr. Feng?

That's the guy that killed my father.

I know.

His face has never been photographed.

This sketch is based on the description by a late agent of the ATF.

Wait a minute, this guy looks like...

George Takei? Mr. Sulu? I know. It's not, though. We checked him out.

We have reason to believe he's about to make

some kind of a major shipment into the US.

And what, man? What do you want me to do about it?

What you were born to do.

You see, Randy, Feng is a Ping-Pong fanatic.

He played for the Chinese when he was a kid.

Now every five years he brings the best to him.

A high-stakes tournament, at a secret location.

Invitation only.

His men go to tournaments all over the world,

searching for the best of the best.

You see that gold paddle? That's the invitation.

You, Randy, you're our ticket in.

I'm not a spy, man.

Look, you don't have to do anything but play Ping-Pong, man.

You go to a few tournaments and do your stuff.

If you're as good as you used to be,

I'm sure you'll get an invitation.

Look, this year Feng's invited a who's who

of the international most wanted list.

Randy, something big's going down.

Here's the thing. You're bananas.

I do matinee shows. I get introduced by a cockatoo.

Mr. Daytona, you're the only one who can lead us to Feng.

I've been authorized to offer you

anything in the government's power if you help us out.

You don't get it, do you, man? I don't compete anymore!

Okay?

Maybe I never should have.

Caucasians.

Hey, Dad. I'm sorry I haven't been around in awhile.

And again, I'm sorry about abbreviating your dates on the headstone.

The numbers were, like, 100 bucks a pop, and apostrophes were free so...

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

The new slide's a little close, isn't it?

What are you gonna do? They sold the air rights to the cemetery.

They sold the air rights to a cemetery?

It's a pretty okay water slide, though. It's called Eerie Canals.

I guess it's a theme that it's haunted. Something.

Look out!

All right. I'm in.

I love that smell.

Good to be back on the circuit again, huh?

I meant pancakes.

I love the smell of pancakes.

Okay, you're not here to have fun.

All right? You're here to win. Get your head in the game.

What, do you think Feng is gonna have scouts here?

No, but you got to win here to get to State.

You are gonna win, right?

I can take these punks.

All right, first up we have Andy...

Randy Daytona

versus our four-time Western Conference Champion,

The Hammer.