Archer

And that's your message?

My god, who...

Who's there?!

What do you want?!

Because all you're gonna get is holes!

I-I mean holes in you, not my...

sterling?

Hello, mother.

Where the hell have you been?!

I don't know.

Wh-- and why do you have a cleaver?!

"All interoffice fraternization of an intimate

Nature is hereby prohibited, to include, but not limited to,

Trysts, assignations - -" What's this even mean?

It means no more banging co-workers.

Oh, so it doesn't affect you...

Oh, wait. Guess what.

Hey, this isn't my fault!

It's exactly your fault, idiot.

When mother found out you cheated on lana --

Hey, you cheated on lana plenty!

Yeah, but with starlets, models.

Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.

Two at the same time?

Yeah, they were sisters. Sploosh.

Cyril, you threw lana

Away on chicks like -- like carol.

it's cheryl. archer: Exactly. Back me up here.

You slept with her, too!

When I was bored.

Like, stuck at home, waiting for

The cable guy, or -- oh, hey,

What you doing Thursday between 00 and noon?

1:00 and 4:00?

I'll be doing one of your co-workers.

Well, do it before quitting time Friday!

Why would ms. Archer give us until Friday?

I did that, because somebody in this building is

Gonna have sex with me.

Yeah?

You think between now and friday,

you can score some roofies?

Uh, pam, I will end you.

Where the hell is my staple gun?!

I think I saw cyril with it.

He went through my desk?!

I guess. I mean, he said he did.

Oh, I don't know why i'm surprised.

I mean, can you believe him, cheating on lana?

Baffling. Said the kettle!

Which is why I started that new policy.

Yeah? You idiots run around

Here like it's spring break on south padre.

Just sex, sex, sex...

Sexy, sexy, eh?

Nikolai?! Is from frederick's of latvia.

Mother! Oh, hello, son.

What?! Nikolai... Why did he just call me son?!

Nikolai. What is this?!

You mean besides incredibly awkward?

No, I think "Incredibly awkward" Just about sums it up.

W-- mother!

Nikolai, could I call you back?

Da. I will be here maybe one hour.

Mother! jakov: Then I try to hit gym.

The gym. That'll be the day.

Are you out of your mind?!

I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my

Steuben bar set!

Well, you just destroyed my innocence!

Oh, please.

That brazilian au pair did that when you were 13!

12! And why does nikolai jakov, the

Head of the kgb, have a direct line to your office?!

Well, you know, from time to time - no, just leave that.

You'll cut yours-- sterling!

And a follow-up question!

Why did he just call me son?!

That's...Often a figure of speech.

Yeah?! How often?!

Very often.

Just not in this case.

I know what --

What?

Terrific.

Two steuben glasses left, and you break one.

I'm sorry, krieger, but it's over, so here's all your

Creedence clearwater albums back.

And now a sad moon is on the rise.

I know. Devastating.

But it's not you, it's your weak, womany hands.

They're not - it's like being choked by a

Child, which I thought would be hot, but --

Wait. No. I'll take steroids.

I can't wait. I need a man now with monster hands.

Oh, like lan-- ah! Hey, you!

You know, the whole monster-hands thing -- starting

To border on mean.

oh, you gonna run cry to ms. Archer,

like when cyril Cheated on you?

Hello.

Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I

Made out of extension cord.

guess what. She wasn't the only one cyril cheated with.

And what is that supposed to mean?

figure it out, truckasaurus.

Oh, that gives me an idea.

But I already have a father!

His name was john fitzgerald archer, and he

Was a fighter ace and he won the

Navy cross and his men called him --

"Black jack" Archer.

I know, dear, I know.

Because I made it all up.

But the military funeral!

ready!

Oh, my god.

If we miss that train, I will go blind.

fire!

But the 21-gun salute!

I donated 600 bucks

To a junior rotc team up in yonkers.

What? Which they used to go to a competition in albany,

Where they won third place!

What? malory: So a lot of good came out of that.

Oh, so, all's well that ends well?!

What was I to do?

Tell a 3-year-old his father might be in the kgb?!

What?! What do you mean, might be?!

So, there may or may not be a few other possibles in the mix.

What?

Seriously?

You cheated on me with carol?!

cheryl! Exactly.

And I can explain that.

Well, if you'd let me!

Yeah, tell me how my father might be nikolai jakov,

Head of the kgb, or len trexler, head of odin!

I assume those are my only choices!

Oh, my -- who else?!

Gene krupa.

What?! The drummer?! No, wait, not krupa.

The other one, with the teeth.

Buddy rich.

Oh, my -- i could never say no to a drummer.

Could you say no to anybody?!

I said no to plenty.

No. No. Yes. Have sex with me.

No. Please? No.

Oh, come on!

Nobody would ever know!

Yeah. I'd know.

No! Da!

No! jakov: Let me talk to him!

No! jakov: Kroshka.

Nikolai, he's not even here.

He stormed out, thanks to you!

But I could talk sense into him!

After all, I am his father.

Oh. So...

Len trexler or buddy rich?!

Get me that crazy german! Now!

Hostile work environment. jakov: Shut up!

We're going to kidnap agent sterling archer.

oh, yeah, then what? You hurt his feelings?

Nyet! Then we put new mind-control

Microchip into his brain.

We use its remote-control capability to bring him here,

Make the papa test.

And if I am archer's father, I

Turn him against his own mother as soviet agent.

Make him a, how you say, vole.

I think you mean "Mole."

mole.

Vole is also rodent but more closer related to lemming.

Ah, da, da, da.

Come on, buddy.

Can't you read, ass douche?!

You're not supposed to be here without a kid!

as it happens, I am here with a child.

mani, can we have more money for the sweets?

What?! That's not even a real baby!

Und that is?

I thought you were

Off to the fair mit your prize turnip!

Listen, you kraut puke!

Hallo? Oh, ja.

You should go.

Oh, you're lucky his father's not here.

He knows krav maga!

He'll kick your balls right through your head, nazi shit-ass!

Mani, these peoples!

Well, you wanted him to grow up in the city.

Oh, scheisse! Nein, major, not you!

Ja, listening.

And after you take archer to the...

...Kgb safe house on gansevoort,

You will implant the microchip into his brain.

Got it.

Ja, seriously.