Rules of Engagement

Oh, the TV guy is gonna be at the apartment...

...between 2:00 and 5:00.

Why are we fixing that TV again? Let's just get a new one.

And that's why I'll be at my job until I'm 115 years old.

Well, I can't be home. I'm working.

Well, nobody will notice if you run out for a bit.

-Yes, they will. -Well, I didn't even know you had a job.

All right, I gotta go.

Once again my scrambled eggs come at too high a price.

Yeah, I know. They're like six bucks, all of a sudden.

I thought I was the only one who noticed.

Mm, way too high a price.

-Heh, what's her problem? -Ah, we're mad about eggs.

What's up with you?

Oh, I'm just on my way to break up with Liz.

You're still with that weird cat lady?

Every time he tries to end it, they wind up sleeping together.

What is wrong with you, man?

No, no, no, no. This time I dump her, she cries, everybody goes home happy.

What makes you think it's gonna work this time?

I'll field this one.

Today I am accompanying him.

My task? Prevent him from having sex...

...a job normally handled by his personality.

I'm gonna go set the world straight, get rid of Liz, go back to dating models.

By "models," he means model number 114 from the just-add-air catalog.

I got her so I could drive in the carpool lane.

The fact that one thing may have led to another...

...is neither here nor there.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

All right, listen, you hang back here.

But if Liz goes nuts and gets all grabby, you pull me to safety, all right?

You're ending a casual relationship.

You're not the Beatles landing in America.

I kind of am.

Hi, Russell.

Hey, Liz. Listen, babe. I gotta tell you something.

You're not gonna like it. Might wanna sit down.

Get on with it. I'm getting a draft up my nightie.

Liz, I'm here to break up with you. Keep it together.

Why? Because I'm better than you. Be strong.

You might need one of these.

Well, okay, heh.

Oh.

-Oh, sinus infection. Very viscous. -I'll take your word for it.

Liz, I know you're hurting right now.

You're hurting very badly, and I know there's nothing you'd like more than...

...to feel my hot body pressed up against--

Everything all right, Lizzy?

Yes, uh, be right there, lover.

Oh, hey. Russell, right?

Yeah. Hey.

That's my robe.

It's the guest robe.

Are we done here?

-Hey. -Hey.

Check out what I just bought. Is this gorgeous or what?

Uh....

The leather is very soft.

Has our pension been compromised?

It has not, because I got a raise.

-What? -Ha-ha.

-Thought I deserved a little something. -Great.

Still, when I think "little"...

...I imagine a candy bar or perhaps a rubber ball.

Well, you will rethink that once you see my new pay check.

Wow.

You must make better coffee there than you do here.

Ha, ha, ha.

No, it's from bringing in so much new ad revenue for the website.

Well, look at you, working girl.

Tennies on the subway, pumps at the office.

Yeah, we are both killing it now.

We're a power couple. We're like Brad and Angelina.

Not exactly.

I mean, with my commission and bonuses...

...I'm still pulling in way more than you, so....

Heh, okay. It's not a competition.

I'm just saying we're a little less Brad and Angelina...

...a little more Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson.

Wow.

What?

Heh, it actually bothers you. You're actually threatened by this.

Uh, no, it doesn't. That-- That's ridiculous.

I'm gonna grab a drink.

You know what?

When you get a raise, we celebrate, and I'm happy for you.

I don't call you Rita Wilson.

Well, that is because I am affable everyman Tom Hanks.

You know what? Forget it. And for the record...

...I'm fine with you treating yourself to the purse.

-You're fine with it? -Yeah.

-I'm fine with it. -Oh, it doesn't matter if you're fine with it.

I was fine with it, so I bought it. Period.

Okay. And guess what? I'm fine with that.

No, the point is, it doesn't matter if you're fine.

Oh, if you are gonna be so pig-headed and disrespectful...

...I'll just keep this for myself. I'll do whatever I want with it.

I'm fine with that too.

It doesn't matter if you're fine, okay?

It's happening because I decided it's what I wanna do.

-Fine. -Oh.

This place is so fancy. It's nice not to eat at the diner for once.

I don't even wanna know what this place charges for eggs.

Boy, you know what? My engagement ring is really loose.

-Maybe I lost a couple pounds. -I don't think so.

Here, let me get it resized for you.

Oh, oh.

There you go.

Oh, my goodness. A proposal!

Get them some champagne on the house.

-Oh, wait. -And cake.

Ooh, cake?

Jennifer Morgan, I love you.

Will you marry me?

I will!

So, did you do it?

Yes, sir, I tailed Liz and Todd all day.

It's scary how good my stalking skills have gotten...

...since I've been in your employ.

It's driving me crazy. Why is Liz picking that guy over me?

-So, what'd you find out? -Okay.

Todd Gluck, 42. Financial planner. Weight watcher since 1997.

And?

I can tell you that Todd and Liz enjoyed an afternoon in the park.

[CHICAGO'S "SATURDAY IN THE PARK" PLAYING]

They had a picnic.

They challenged their minds.

And they did some exercising.

Come on, that stuff doesn't help me.

Hey, by the way, did you, uh, get a chance...

...to attain the other information I requested?

Yes. Uh, because you insisted, I followed Todd into the men's room.

I had to be extra careful...

...as it seems many men had followed other men...

...into this particular park restroom.

In any case, I knew I had a job to do.

-And? -It's normal.

You have to be more specific, all right? Let's try to get a baseline here, all right?

-Take a look. -Stop. There really is no need for that.

Suffice it to say, it's well within the ballpark of reasonable penises.

Bet you got season tickets to that ballpark, don't you, Tim, huh?

Really? After the day I've had?

Ugh, what is it then if he's not working a big rig?

What do you think? Is he classier than me?

Oh, impossible, sir.

Well, then, if it's not how big it is, maybe it's how he uses it.

You gotta spy on them having sex.

Okay. This may seem like an arbitrary line in the sand...

...but I'm going to say no to being a peeping Tom.

Oh, look who no longer wants to learn about commercial real estate.

Sir, you wanted her out of your life. She's out.

Let it go, shake it off, and move on.

Is that what the guys in your bathroom said?

-Oh, hey, babe. -Um....

What is that, and, uh, what is he doing?

He's installing our new TV.

Bought it with my money.

-You didn't. -Hmm, but I did.

Audrey, the TV is my thing.

That would be like me buying a new one of these and not consulting you.

It was time for a new TV, Jeff. The picture's fantastic, heh. Come look.

Did you at least get it on sale?

-Oh, don't worry about it. -Oh, God!

Tell me you at least went to a place with "crazy" in the name.

Crazy Larry's or Crazy Bill's.

Their mental illness spells big savings.

This was my purchase, Jeff...