Terror Train

Happy New Year!

Sigma Phi Omega, hey! Sigma Phi Omega, hey!

Sigma Phi Omega, hey! Sigma Phi Omega, hey!

Sigma Phi Omega, hey!

Hey, there she is now.

Will you tell me what she sees in you, please?

Can you figure this one out, Ed?

I mean, now, this guy's got some luck.

Women are strange, Doctor.

- Very strange. - Right, Ed.

Sensitive. He's probably very sensitive.

Chicks go for the sensitive fellows, you know.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind going in your place.

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you, you devil?

- You want him to fill in for you? Huh? - Offensive.

- This is true love, old man. - Touché, Jackson.

Look, Alana's nice. Confused, but nice.

Hey, there she goes.

Now, what do you say, huh? Huh?

- You trust me? Okay. - We're gonna take good care of you.

- Come on. - Let's go.

Don't worry.

What are you laughing at? Come on!

Give me that. You're gonna need both your hands free.

You're gonna be wearing that beanie all year if you don't get laid tonight.

Laid, sir? Me, sir?

Okay. Bare tit. See what you can do.

Sorry. After you get laid.

Still wearing your beanie I see, huh?

- Well, happy New Year anyway, buddy. - Hey, same to you, Doc.

- Is that real? - Is the pope Catholic?

I don't know what you're gonna do when we get to med school.

I'm losing my nerve. I don't even know this guy.

- Mitchy! - You look adorable.

- I feel like an idiot. - You can't chicken out now.

Why am I doing this?

Because you're the best bait we got round here, honey.

- Come on. It'll be fun. - Fun?

Oh, my God. Look at this place!

I know.

- Who is that? - I don't know.

Some friend of Doc's. Anyway, you know what to do.

- Okay? - Yeah, but I don't like it.

- Go get her, tiger. - Come on, Kenny. Go for it!

- Go on! - Mitchy.

Don't be afraid, Kenny.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Mitchy!

- Now, look, you really want her, right? - Mm-hmm.

Okay. Go ahead.

We'll be down here if you need us. All right?

- Alana? - Hello, Kenny.

Don't be shy. This is my first time too.

Kiss me, Kenny.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Yes, it's the opportunity of a lifetime, my boy!

- One more. One more. Hold it. - Now!

- Ready? - Yes!

There you go.

A train!

Well, you wouldn't let me buy you a graduation present, so I got you this instead.

- I love you. - Here it comes!

Has anybody seen my girlfriend? She's the one with the big caboose!

Ed. Hey, Pet.

- You gonna let him get away with this? - No way!

Hey! Now, this is what I call a party!

- Yay! - Brewskis!

- All right, I'd like to propose a toast. - Ridiculous!

- That's not toast, my good man. - Shut up!

It's a real honor hosting with you guys.

- I mean that. - Hey, same here.

My last big college party. But it's gonna be the best!

Hey! To four really great years.

- Oh, yeah! - Really.

Yay, Jackson!

Let's get the goodies. Come on. I'll see you later on the train.

- All right, Doc. - Come on. Get this show on the road.

- Oh, thanks. - Are you guys medical students?

Well, premed. Here's your date, Ed.

Listen, thank you very much. Would you like a joint?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind one.

- Go ahead, help yourself. - Oh, my God.

- Thank you, boys. You're really a lot of fun. - Hey, Doc, gimme.

- Lot of fun. - Come on. Let's get this thing into gear.

- All right! - Let's go!

Let's go! Whoo-hoo!

Get on the train!

Hey, Donnelly. Take a look at this.

My goodness gracious!

Happy New Year!

Goodies for everybody!

Come and get 'em, people!

- Mr. Conductor! - Yeah?

Did you say "all aboard"? That's ridiculous!

They can't be bored. I haven't even started.

Hey, Fred, forget it.

She's not your type. Think of the children!

Come on, baby. Open your eyes.

Come on. Look at me. Just my luck. She's a lesbian.

Wait a sec. I've got an idea. Let's play charades, and my word will be "orgy."

Wait, wait, wait! I think she sprung a leak.

Either that, or she's hissing me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Here, let me give you a hand with that.

Thanks a lot.

- You the slicker of this outfit? - I try to be.

- Extraordinaire! - Hey, fella!

Did you make my date disappear?

- Come on. Let's check this train out. - No, I've gotta find Pet...

before I forget what she looks like.

You may have some weather...

but the fella who came through at 6:00 said the track was clear.

Try and see they don't tear it apart.

With a party like that, I'm always afraid some kid's going to hurt himself.

Maggie, I wish to hell they'd put a radio on that train.

What if one of those kids got drunk and fell off?

I've been talkin' on that for two years.

Belknap always puts the kibosh on it.

He says, "We ain't Amtrak.

We're just a little old excursion train."

He oughta be here tonight.

Be like ridin' herd on a flea circus.

Are you sure you won't go with us, Maggie?

With a bunch like that? Not on your life.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow.

- So long. - So long.

You folks ready for the time of your life?

You won't be disappointed, I promise.

All aboard!

Hey, look at Ed!

Fantastic!

Fabulous blood! Hey, did you see Ed? Pretty good, eh?

Way to go, Eduardo!

I don't know. I think the bar car's up this way.

Anybody home?

- Hi. - Is this the sink?

- Yeah. - Looks like a bedpan.

- I think it is. - Congratulations, by the way.

- Thank you. - And lots of luck, for sure.

- Hiya, Mitchy. - Hi. How's it goin'?

My roommate's graduating early too.

Maybe then Mitchy and I can room together.

You're gonna stick me with that?

- What's wrong? Bunnies are cute. - Oh, thanks.

Hey, come on. You know I have to work before school starts. It's gonna be real expensive.

Shit. You'll get a scholarship. You always do.

- Well, I don't have one yet. - Marry Mo and you won't need one.

Have you been talkin' to him again?

- Come on. I am gonna miss you. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Aw, shoot. You're my only girlfriend.

- You know that? - You're my best friend. You know that?

I am gonna miss you like crazy.

Oh! Oh, no.

I'm just an easy cry, that's all.

I can't let Doc see me like this.

- Where's the girls' room on this boat anyway? - Hey, you.

- Hmm? - We're always gonna be friends.

Yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hi, Pres. - Hey, Pet, how you doin'?

- Have you guys seen Eddie around? - Ed?

- Check the car back there. It's open. - Okay.

- She still runnin' hot on you? - Nope.

Cooled down the grade.

She's really beautiful, that old engine.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

Thank God for little favors.

You're gonna see a train on the cover of Time magazine one of these days...

and I'm gonna be in that cab in the picture.

And I'll be up in the Concorde, and you'll be on welfare.

You're diggin' your own grave with that shovel career-wise.

What's the price of gas right now?

Pretty soon, the only way you'll get that beer can someplace...

is you load it on a flatcar.

Guess who'll be driving the train?

You can cook, you can take a shower, you can watch TV...

and, by God, you can hang a left if you feel like it.

That poor, deluded boy.

It's a rotten crowd. Listen to 'em.

Well, it beats a six-year-old's birthday party.

I have to have it quiet when I do my illusions.

You know, it pays better too.

Hey, I thought you said you'd played frat parties before.

- They're not gonna watch. - Oh, they'll watch.

Go out and do some close-up magic.

- Warm 'em up. - I'm not ready.

Okay, here we go! Stimulation for the nation. Yahoo!

Hey, host lounge for seniors only!

- Get out! - What do you think this is?

Come on. Seniors only.

We are gonna be remembered forever for this one.

- Happy Hog Night, children. - Hog Night?

Hog Night! That's right. That's what they used to call it.

Big bonfire, and all the pledges had to get laid.

It's true. They had to abolish it.

Something happened one year, and they had to kick a whole bunch of guys out of school.

Well, almost kicked out.

Christ, did we do that?

- You're the guys? - Oh, no, it wasn't us.

It must've been somebody else.