She's All That

Simon! Simon, I got your breakfast.

- - Simon, you up?

Give me a couple of minutes.

Simon Boggs, there are children in Mexico...

who've already been up for three hours making clothes for corporate America.

- Leave me alone. - That's it. I'm spitting in your juice.

- -

I got a big loogie, and I'll spit it right in your juice.

Good morning.

Good morning, Laney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, earthquakes, spring break is officially over.

Only two months left at Harrison High until summer vacation.

until then, here's a little welcome back music.

Okay, I got a pump replacement this afternoon...

out in Manhattan Beach.

So I'll try not to be late picking you guys up.

- Laney? - Got it, Dad.

Have a good day, pumpkin-nose.

I know.

- Hey, Zack. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hello.

What's happening, Connie?

He spoke to me.

- He called you Connie. - So?

Your name is Melissa.

- Hey, Jesse. - Hey, Laney.

See that Dateline on sewage dumpers last night? I taped it.

- What happened to dropping ten pounds before graduation? - I'm looking into it.

- Jesse, do not eat that. - Twinkie Lite, see?

- Hey, yo! - Hey, what's up, Siler?

- What's up, Preston? - What's up, bitch?

How's it going, man? Hey, guys, check it.

Guess who jammed a 30-year-old flight attendant...

at 25,000 feet en route to Cancun?

- Bullshit. - I swear to God.

Come on, man. How was Vail?

Fine. You know, skiing with my parents, whatever. It was cool.

Cool?

Has it occurred to anyone that we have eight weeks left in our high school careers?

Shit. Only like every five minutes.

Well, it's weird, you know?

See, I'm driving through the gate this morning, and it hit me.

Suddenly tomorrow is not just tomorrow. It's like the future, you know?

- No. - Hey, guys, check it.

Then could I please speak to somebody who doesn't have his head up his ass?

Well, well, well, check who's back from spring break...

looking all fine and shit.

Dean, on behalf of every black person, shut up.

- Scusi! On the phone here. - How you doing, baby?

Yes, I'll hold. Get off me.

Hey, you guys seen Taylor?

Um, no.

- What? - Taylor? My girlfriend?

Yeah, come on, you know.

- Tall, kind of yells at everybody. - No. Why?

Why? Uh, I don't know.

Maybe because I haven't spoken to her since you guys left for Daytona.

Excuse me.

- Hey, party people. - Hi, Taylor.

Oh, my gosh, I've got total Diet Coke mouth.

- Does anybody have any gum? - I got it. Me too. Here.

Listen, Zack, I've been doing some thinking.

I'm sorry. This just isn't working for me anymore.

New tattoo?

Damn.

So you show up after a week with a tattoo and suddenly want to break up?

What happened in Florida, Taylor?

Look, if you want to torture yourself--

Oh, whatever. Okay.

So we're at this club one night and Chandler gets totally ploughed,

and she starts making out with this old guy for like 20 minutes on the dance floor.

Well, imagine our surprise when this old guy turns out to be Warren G.'s hairdresser.

- Isn't he gay? - Whatever.

So he sets us up with passes to the spring break beach house, so we go.

Welcome to spring break, live from the beach house of Daytona, Florida.

Beautiful weather, slamming bands...

and, of course, 300 relative strangers from all around this great nation of ours,

cutting loose, half naked...

and generally having a good time.

Uh!

The next thing I know, Taylor Vaughan is handpicked by the director...

- to dance on her very own raft. - Hey!

This is all fascinating, Taylor,

but, uh, could you maybe skip to the part where you decide to screw me over?

Hold on. I'm getting there. Okay.

I've been dancing for maybe five minutes, and I nearly fell off,

which would have been so embarrassing, being on cable and everything.

So I turn around to see what I've hit, and that's when it happened.

Hey, I'm Brock Hudson! Hey!

Brock Hudson? What kind of a name is that?

- What kind of name is Zack? Okay, Brock is from The Real World. - What, like Reseda?

No, like the TV show, okay? Real World, L.A. Second season. Hello.

The dyslexic volleyball guy?

They kicked him out of the house.

The next three days were kind of a blur.

- - I mean, it was like we had known each other for weeks.

He knew exactly what I was thinking, and I didn't even have to say a word.

So before I left, Brock said he had a surprise for me:

something to record the wonderment of our first days together.

- -

- So that's it? - Pretty much, yeah.

Oh, but don't worry, Zack. I mean I'll still go to the prom with you.

I mean we're going to be elected. It's only appropriate for the king and queen to go together.

I-- I don't know what to say.

Oh, so don't then, Zack. I mean, it's been fun.

But did you honestly think that I was going to leave for college still dating you?

Oh, my God, you did.

No way. That is so sweet. Ow!

Do you believe this thing still hurts?

[Students Suddenly Start Chattering]

Great.

That's a very nice use of color, Misty.

Thanks.

I read about this riot in Mogadishu.

-This represents the pain of that night. -That's wonderful, Laney.

But tell me something.

Which part represents you?

Laney,

Savannah and I were just talking about your stuff.

Just about how you're not-- you're not afraid to be dark.

Darkness rocks.

But I'll be honest. I don't think anybody here really appreciates that.

- Uh-uh. - Sav and I, we toured the Prado over break, and--

That's in Spain.

And, um, we got in this discussion one day at the cafe...

just about-- about how many artists are really only truly appreciated posthumously.

And we got Van Gogh, Pissarro.

- Basquait. - Basquait. Thank you.

A-And then your name came up.

And Sav thought-- Actually, we both thought...

that it might be a good idea for you if, um--

You killed yourself.

Think about it.

- -

Well, check it out. That's it for another day, earthquakes.

By the way, my condolences go out to a certain individual who got dissed and dismissed...

by his long-time, magically delicious girlfriend.

Relax, man. No one knows it's you.

Hey, hang in there, Zack. It happens to the best of us.

Keep that head up, all right, son?

As far as the other dude, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. All right?

Yeah. You better do something, man, 'cause your legacy's in jeopardy here.

I mean, one second you're Zack Siler, class president,

standout athlete, all-around bad-ass mamba-jahamba.

The next thing you know, you're Zack Siler, bitch-boy.

Hey, how are you guys? Hey. Hey.

- Brock. - Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hi! - Hey. Hey, baby.

What's up? How's it going?

Who the hell does she think she is?

There are 2,000 girls in this school, and I can bump monkeys with every one of them.

- Taylor Vaughan is totally replaceable. - Spare me this wax shit...

about replaceable, because we're talking about Taylor Vaughan here.

- Sorry, man. He's-- He's right. - Of course I'm right.

I mean, the girl's an institution in this place.

Every girl wants to be her, and every guy wants to nail her.

- Basically, she's you... with tits. -

Nah, nah, you're wrong, you see.

The Taylor Vaughan you just described is an illusion, a myth.

You strip away all that attitude and makeup...

and basically all you have is a C-minus G.P.A. with a wonder bra.

Oh, give it up.

Take, uh-- Take her for example.

Short, decent rack,

kind of a Chelsea Clinton thing going on.

But given the right look,

the right boyfriend, bam!

In six weeks, she's the one being crowned prom queen.

- You're serious? - As a heart attack.

You're clearly delusional. But how about a chance to prove me wrong?

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Dean, Dean, Dean. The boy's bugging here.

You're taking advantage of a friend in a vulnerable situation.

Gee, that's swell, Preston. A fifth of Chivas and a uterus and you could be my mom.

No, seriously. The guy thinks he could do anything. Let him prove it.

- What do you say, Zack? - A bet?

Yeah. Unless, of course, you're too heartbroken.

- Just name the terms. - All right, it's simple.

I'll pick the girl, and you got six weeks to turn her into the prom queen.

Okay, okay, we get it, okay?

- Everybody has a big jimmy. Now can we just-- - You got it.

- All right. Let's go shopping. -

Oh, man, this is going to be so much fun.

- What about her? - Nah, I don't think so.

- I mean it's still scabbing. See, I saved it. - How about this one?

A-Are you sure about Bubbles?

Nah, we can do better than that.

What about her?

Rectal archaeology. Very nice.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Gentlemen, we have a winner.

What, Laney Boggs?

Uh-uh! No. No, no, no, no.

Hey, a bet's a bet. Right, Preston?

Hey, man, this is between you guys.

- -

Look, fat I can handle.

Weird boobs, bad personality, maybe some sort of fungus.

Come on. Scary and inaccessible is another story.

Hey, man, if I were you, I wouldn't be wasting my time,

'cause by my calculations you got six weeks until the prom.