ted

narrator: In 1985, little John Bennett

wished on a shooting star

that his teddy bear would come to life.

Magically, it happened.

Ted was an instant, worldwide phenomenon.

But now, it's 1993.

And like every phenomenon,

eventually, nobody gives a shit.

* *

* My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* *

- Fuck, it's not working. Here, let me try something,

You got to blow on it.

That's what I'm doing.

- No, no, you got to like really blow on it.

Here.

- Wow, you are going to make some guy very happy one day.

Fuck off.

- Try it again with eye contact.

Fuck you, man.

See if it works.

both: Hey!

All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

Anybody seen my car keys?

Yeah, they were on the floor.

Dad stepped on them and got mad.

What'd he do with 'em?

Think he threw 'em.

Shit.

- Hey, are Mario and Luigi supposed to be midgets?

What do you mean?

They're wicked short.

Like, is it part of their character

that they're midgets, or is--

Jesus Christ. Seriously?

What?

Little people.

Yeah, that's why I'm asking.

Are they supposed to be midgets?

- You don't say "midget." You say "little people."

"Midget" is rude. - Why is it rude?

- Because it just is. It's a fucked-up word.

I mean, how would you like it if you were a little person

and someone called you that?

Well, I mean, technically--

- That's not the same. - Why not?

You're a teddy bear.

- So what? Doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? I ama midget.

And I will thank you not to tell ourcommunity

how to use ourword.

Well done, Teddy.

Thank you.

Susan, just say it once.

- Nope. - Just one time.

- No. - She's not going to do it.

Come on, just one "fuck."

- No, she doesn't want to go to hell.

Come on, Susan.

- I can express myself without that kind of language.

Thank you. - Come on, we got a bet going.

Just one time. - What's the bet?

- Oh, that Ted can get Mom to swear.

Oh, wow, so fucking adult.

Hey, we're at dinner.

Just say "shit."

Shoot.

Just give us the finger.

There's your finger.

Say "Polack."

Ted, really?

- It's not a race. You can say it.

- Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys.

- OK, just eat your supper, fellas.

- She's not going to swear, man.

I win. - Ah, fuck.

Pay up.

Thank you.

Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this?

- Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff.

- Matty, honey, that's your fourth beer.

Yeah, I had a shit day.

- Yeah, four is like a Boston one.

He's OK.

- I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.

- Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car.

- What happened to the car, Dad?

- Whole rear fender got smashed.

Well, how bad is it?

- It's going to be at least 400 bucks.

- Who hit it? - I didn't see.

But I was parked outside the Hong Kong buffet, so...

Do the math.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm just saying.

- Wow, that is such complete bullshit.

Hey, we're at dinner.

It's a bullshit stereotype.

Tell that to my car.

Swear to God,

this whole household is so goddamn backward.

Ted has used two derogatory terms this afternoon.

And then there you go

topping it off with that ignorant comment.

- I said "midget." What was the other one?

Yeah, I don't know.

- You're living in my house with my family,

eating our food, and drinking our milk.

Tough shit if you don't like it.

That's just--that's great.

I'm so glad you don't count me

as a member of the family, Uncle Matty.

Maybe "Polack"?

- No, couldn't be that. That one's fine.

- Blaire, you are absolutely a member of this family.

Matty, tell her you're sorry.

Of course he won't.

Because if he did, he'd be admitting I'm right,

which would also be admitting he is a classic Boston racist.

I'm not a racist!

My favorite movie is "Rocky."

- How the fuck does that make you not racist?

- Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie.

So?

- So he's a Black guy who wins against a white guy.

Oh, my God.

- I mean, it's assuming you count Italians as whites,

which I mostly do.

Of course, they weren't white up until the 1960s.

They got a big bump after Korea.

And it wasn't so much they got more white,

the Cubans got more Black, but I was OK with that too.

Isn't this the toast

that got you kicked out of Ronny's wedding?

Again, I was explaining

why it was OK that he married an Italian.

Jesus Christ.

You are literally proving my point.

You are a raging fuckin' racist.

Hey, we're at dinner.

- Well, in fairness, Blaire, you can be racist too.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

No, I'm not.

- Do you remember when you were a little girl?

You used to cut the hair off your Barbies?

Yes?

- You used to cut the Black Barbie's hair off first

to see how it looked.

- Oh, come on. Are you serious with that?

And then if you liked it,

then you'd cut the white Barbie's hair.

So you're a little racist too, Blaire.

- Wow, that is weirdly so much more damning

than anything else today.

- And it started when she was very young too.

- Are you guys for fucking real right now?

- I mean, that is some sick Nazi doctor shit right there.

Did you?

What?

- Did you cut the Black Barbie's hair first?

- Fine, yes, OK, I cut the Black Barbie's hair, yes.

I was eight years old, OK?

I didn't fucking know any better.

- What was the Black Barbie's name?

- I don't remember. - Oh, it gets even worse!

- Oh, my God, she can't remember the Black Barbie's name.

- But I still love both Barbies equally.

- And separately? - Yeah, yeah.

What was the water fountain situation like

at the Dream House? - Yeah, was there like

a special entrance for the Black Barbie?

- Look-- - Oh.

Did you call it the "I Have a Dream House"?

- A-ha! - OK, I was a fucking child.

All right? At least I have that excuse.

You guys are adults.

You know what the problem is?

Education.

There is a complete lack of education in this family.

- That's not true. I go to school.

I'm taking a pottery class.

What about Ted? Hmm?

He's never had a day of education in his life,

and it shows, using words like "Polack."

Oh, it was "Polack."

- The teacher says my ashtray shows promise.

- You should be going to school every day with John.

You'd learn something.

And maybe you wouldn't make all these ignorant comments.

Uh, yeah, no thanks.

Why not?

Because.

TV.

Aunt Suze, help me out.

- Well, Ted, you might have fun.

Mm-hmm.