The Guest Book

_

I'm in the middle of a crisis,

but I wanted to leave some kind of record

in case things go sideways and my plan doesn't work.

It all started about a week ago.

I'm looking! I promise!

Honey, I'm sorry, but her stuffed lamb isn't in my car!

Besides, I have a class to teach. I don't know what you

- expect me to do if I find it. - Oh, I expect you to drive back here

and give it to your screeching shit factory of a daughter

so she'll shut the hell up!

I'm sorry, honey. It's not here.

All right, Newton's cradle, named after Sir Isaac Newton,

demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy

using a series of swinging spheres.

You're a liar, Tim, and an asshole!

Kids, your teacher is a liar and an asshole!

You guys might have a substitute for the next few days.

Realizing Sandy needed some time away from the baby,

I found your cabin online and left our daughter with my parents

so Sandy could get some much-needed rest.

I'm not promising to have sex with you up here.

No one said anything about sex promises.

I just want you to get some sleep.

Oh, here you are. Tim Davidson.

Froggy Cottage. 3 bedrooms. Feel free to use them all.

That's not why we're here.

- We're just here to get some rest. - Oh, okay.

Well, it's... it's very quiet

and clean.

Emma just gave it the once-over.

That toilet downstairs runs like a canyon,

so after you flush, you gotta take the top off

and monkey around with the chain and that bobber thing.

As long as you brought it up,

after you rest, I wouldn't mind having sex

considering we haven't done that in almost a year.

Ever since I gave birth, things aren't the same down there.

Well, luckily for you, it's been so long since I've seen it,

- I don't think I'll notice. - Oh, you'll notice.

It looks like someone punched a lasagna.

Oh, if you like Italian food, there's a place on Maple.

We prefer Chinese.

Wang's Tastey Delightful is the best on the mountain.

Our nephew does the deliveries.

Don't tip him, though. He'll just use it for drugs.

Claims he's clean, but you tell me what man

misplaces his car 'less he's on the ganja.

Here you go.

Froggy Cottage.

Personally, I thought your place had a lovely mountain charm,

but Sandy is a little tougher to please.

Okay.

Smells dusty, musty,

or rusty in here.

Something "usty," for sure. Maybe we should just go home.

It'll be fine. I'll open a window.

What the hell?! Are you shitting me?!

- Tim! - Shh! Shh! Hey.

There's a little kid over there

having a Cat Stevens moment with his dad.

Tell me you packed my humidifier.

Is it news to you that I have a sinus condition,

that I can't sleep without my humidifier?

No, it's not news to me.

I knew this weekend wasn't about sleep.

I bet you didn't forget condoms, did you?

I bet you didn't forget

that edible lube you like, makes your balls taste

like strawberries grown in Chernobyl, did you?

Did you, Tim? Huh?!

The flavor's actually mixed berry.

Okay, go long, buddy.

We got a dehumidifier.

Want me to see if it has a reverse button?

It needs to be a Boneco 7135.

They sell them at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Is there a Bed, Bath & Beyond nearby?

You ever heard of something

called a Bed, Bath and... What was it?

- Beyond. - Beyond?

There's one in Winksville.

Oh. There's one in Winksville.

- It's about an hour drive. - An hour.

Honey, maybe you could, like...

Now, I had every intention to get the humidifier

safely back up to the cabin as fast as I possibly could.

_

But then something came up.

I'm not normally a strip club kind of guy,

but maybe it was the picture of the girl on the sign

or maybe I just wanted to stand in front of a woman

who wasn't going to yell at me.

Whatever it was, it was calling the shots.

Bucha! Come on.

Gentlemen,

recently back from maternity leave,

put your hands

together for Kombucha!

Let her earn it!

Am I on?

Hi. I'm Tickles.

Hello, Tickles.

Um, the girl on the billboard working today?

Sweetheart, the girl on the billboard

is a model from NYC City.

We're mountain dancers.

Come on. Why don't you treat yourself

to a private dance in the VIP room

with a mountain dancer?

Full bush.

Sit down, Tiger.

She gave me a nickname right away... "Tiger."

Up until that point, the closest a woman has

ever come to calling me Tiger,

was when my wife called me a pussy at my uncle's funeral.

I had never had a lap dance before,

so I was basically following her lead so I didn't look like an idiot.

Yeah.

Do you like feet, Tiger?

I love feet. I have no idea why I said that.

Not that I have anything against feet

but I certainly don't love them.

Hopefully, it was just an innocent conversation starter.

It wasn't.

I don't want to get into too much detail

about what happened

during the next seven or eight minutes,

but I can tell you this...

It involved feet, and I'm not proud of it.

I can see her! I can see our mom in there!

- I want to sell you something, bro. - No, thank you.

I-I think you're gonna want to buy this.

It's a one-of-a-kind video, Tiger.

- What's on the tape? - Not much.

Just everything you did in the VIP room.

Shit.

You don't look so good. You need to sit down, Tiger?

- Okay, stop calling me Tiger. - Oh, you prefer

I call you something else?

Foot-sniffer? Foot-licker?

- Athlete's dick. - Okay,

I don't even like feet. I was just being polite to Tickles.

Yeah, and I appreciate you being nice to my stepmother.

Look, man, I'm not trying to make trouble for you.

I just want to sell you the tape. I'll be on my way.

- How much? - 700 bucks.

Seven hund...

Look. I think I have 30 bucks on me. It's all yours.

Just please take it and leave. Please.

Mmm! Fried chicken?

Color me jealous! My cholesterol's sky-high. Can't do it.

Enjoy it, though! Good for you.

Please take it. Take it. Please, please, please?

- Come on, man. - What's going on?

Oh, hi!

Look at you, all clean... Clean as a whistle.

Who's this?

Maintenance guy... He just wanted to stop by,