Weird City

- Hey, uh, Steffi, what time is it?

Hello, Stu. -04 PM.

Shit.

I'm so tired of truffles.

- Me too. I hear they have great food vehicles

Below The Line but I'm simply too scared to go down there.

You Must Eat Here. Three Stars.

As a resident of Above the Line

you must eat here by end of month.

- Okay, we've got the Belgian Long Grain Wheat Quintuple IPA.

Don't mind if I do!

- Creamy nose feel, you know. - Nice.

- And a Pumpkin Saffron Super Double Triple IPA.

Boom.

- And who is the lager in a bottle for?

- That's my buddy. - Sorry. He's always late.

- Had to dig way back in the cooler for this. Didn't even know we had them anymore.

Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?

- Hey! Whoa, whoa! - We're both happily married!

Easy now!

- That's great! - Yeah.

- Dewis! - Stu!

- Whaddup, bro! - Whaddup?!

Stu, Pobby. Pobby, Stu. - Nice to meet you, bro. - Good to meet you, bro.

Sorry I'm late.

- You know what? - I hear you're always late.

Hey! Ah, guilty.

Oh, jeez, you had it! Thank you.

How do you drink that stuff?

- Hm. Love this stuff. - Just grew up on it, you know. "Lay-ger".

- That's rough. - Yeah.

Stu, any dates this week, man?

- No... none this week. Actually, I haven't had one since last month.

- Dates? You weren't assigned at birth? Why?

- Oh, Stu grew up Below The Line.

- Oh shit. - Yeah.

Nobody Below The Line gets assigned. You have to date.

But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.

- The UnAppetizer? - Yeah. So she made a whole bunch of money,

we moved Above The Line. I was already 18 by then, so I still gotta date.

Dude, I love The UnAppetizer.

- Everybody does. - Hold on, I'm getting something here.

Steffi? Hello, Pobby. What can I do for you?

Launch UnAppetizer.

- UnAppetizer recommends deleting Meet-Me-Sex-Me as you are now married.

It also recommends deleting Where-See-Movie-At as all movies are available on me.

It recommends deleting Get-Buff-Quick as you have clearly given up.

Oh...

- Man, that's crazy. - You know, the dating world.

I feel like I just did my assigned hook ups after college,

and then did a little Meet-Me-Sex-Me,

and then, I married Nachel, and... it's good. It is good.

- Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.

I don't know, I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.

- Sorry to interrupt but I was eavesdropping.

Have you tried The One That's The One?

Uh... no. No.

What is The One That's The One?

A dating site.

It's called The One That's The One because it promises,

100% guaranteed, to send you The One That's The One. The perfect person for you.

Oh.

- That's how I met my wife, Mequela.

How do you spell that?

- M, Q, ampersand, laaaaaaa. - Hm.

- Old school spelling. - Nice.

- You haven't seen the commercial?

- No. - Here.

Do you work for the company?

- I'm still waiting to hear back.

Oh...

- Grew up Below The Line? - Sick of your mandated mate?

Looking for someone, but coming up with none?

Just plain tired of the dating scene? Well, try...

The One That's The One!

At Negari Labs, we used a combination of specific questions

combined with DNA testing to assure that you get your perfect match!

Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Negari,

has developed an algorithm that promises to send you not just anyone,

- but The One That's The One. - It even worked for me!

- Get outta here you dotty old lovebirds!

Come on down to Negari Labs today - and find your The One That's The One!

Get outta here! I'm dancing.

Huh.

- Stu? Stu Maxsome? - Yes.

Oh, hey, it's you. From the commercial.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Follow me.

- I can't believe I'm doing this. At first, I thought: no way!

No way am I gonna do that.

I mean, I don't know, isn't that like, uh, I don't know,

me doing One That's The One, isn't that like someone from Above The Line being assigned?

Yeah, it is! And then, I thought:

Well, I'm Above The Line now, maybe I should do it.

Also, I was just sort of depressed.

My mom has been really hard on me about finding somebody.

Not crazy, though. She's really sweet. She's... - I can tell you're nervous.

Just relax, I assure you'll be satisfied with our service.

Yeah...

- Okay. So, as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,

- I'm gonna ask you a few questions. - Sure.

- The results of these two tests will give us

the information we need to find your One That's The One.

- Great. - All that matters is that you answer honestly.

- Sure. - Okay. Ahem.

What is your favourite number?

Three. No, eight.

- It's okay, the questions can be a little awkward.

Just answer honestly.

- Okay. - What is your favourite number?

- Four. - Good.

- What is your favourite food? - Pepperoni pizza.

- Me too! - Okay, next question.

You're in the desert walking in the sand when all of a sudden, you look down,

you see a tortoise crawling towards you.

You reach down and flip it over on its back.

- Oh. - The tortoise lays there on its back,

its belly baking in the sun, its legs flailing.

It can't turn itself over without your help.

But you're not helping. Why is that?

- Oh... I don't know. - I feel like I'd probably help.

Huh.

Is it...

- You meet someone that reminds you of someone you just saw in a commercial.

He denies being that person. What do you do?

- And sign here. - Okay.

- Great. And that's 82 credits. - Okay.

- Okay. - Congratulations.

Dr. Negari will enter all your information into the algorithm

and your One That's The One will arrive at your home tonight exactly at midnight.

Oh, midnight. Okay.

For dramatic effect.

All right. Ha.

- and find your One That's The One!

I'll see ya!

Good night!

Hi, I'm Stu.

Hi! I'm Stu.

Mm!

Tsk.

- You have a visitor. - But... I'm coming!

Hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

Uh... I'm Burt...

Uh... I'm your One That's The One.

- Are you...? - Oh, don't come in.

Uh, no. I'm sorry. That's... That's just, that's ridiculous.

- You can't be my One That's The One. - No, of course not.

I mean - and I apologize for asking you this -

are you a homosexual? - No. - Well, neither am I!

- Right. See? Okay, so clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.

- Yeah. I mean, I guess so.

I want my money back. No offence.

Hey! None taken.

Man!

- Ah, don't take it so hard, buddy.

No, it's just...

I don't know, sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.

Just... It sucks. Sucks to be born Below The Line.

Where? What neighbourhood?

- Hallubeck Heights, right by Ooscar and Benowen.

- I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.

- No way! - God, I was happy for that. - Tell me about it, huh?

- Well, it was nice meeting you all the same. Burt Chund.

- Hey, yeah, you too. - Stu Maxsome.

You know, honestly, I'm just... I'm glad someone finally showed up.

It got to be 12:15 and I was thinking no one was coming.

- I'm sorry about that - I'm always late. Something I should work on.

- No, don't think twice about it.

Well, hey, listen, I got kinda hungry, I was actually gonna grab some food.

I don't know, you wanna come?

- I could eat. - Yeah? - You ever go to Al's?

- Al's Diner? Below The Line? - Love that place!

Be careful proceeding below the line.

- Reason for going Below The Line?

- Gonna get diner food. - Gross.

- Normally I don't love patting people down,

but when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.

- I'm glad I could make your night better.

- Ha! - Okay, let's go.

Right behind ya! Bye.

- I love when they're gonna blow the door off that armoured car.

- Oh, yes, yes! - And they decide not to.

- It blows up anyway! - Yes, right.

I love that show.

Hey, Al.

- What do you want? - Egg-white omelette...

Oh.

- Uh, egg-white omelette. But could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?

- What? No way! - That's my order.

I mean, that's literally what I order. That's so funny.

'Cause I like the yolks, but... - Separate! - Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna do the same.

Okay.

- What are the odds? - It's unbelievable!

but then, my wife passed away.

- Oh. I'm sorry about that. - It's okay. It was a long time ago.

- I got this. - Oh, no, come on, let me get it.

- No. - No, please. - No, I got it.

- I invited you, let me just... - Hey. Hey, hey. No, no, I got it. I got it.