In Living Color

Hi, I'm Loomis Simmons.

Ladies, do you long for the pitter-patter...

of tiny little feets in your house?

Are you worried that the cuckoo bird in your biographical clock...

has stopped laying eggs?

I hope so. But you don't have to worry when you let me...

knock you up!

The plan is simple to follow.

Call me, Loomis...

and I will send you one of my motivational tapes...

recorded on these high quality eight-track cartridges.

It'll get you in the mood for one of our romantical encounters.

My chéri "amoivra." This is your last chance!

Ain't no man in his right mind want you!

Your ovaries ain't no good. They look like raisins.

Loomis is the man. Loomis is the man.

Loomis is the mannn!

Mmm!

Don't that just make your nature rise?

Next, I, Loomis Simmons, will come up in through your crib...

and introduce ya to my partner.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Maybe two or three times if necessary.

Now, you may think, "But, Loomis...

I'm too butt ugly for even you to want to knock me up."

And you're probably right. But when I gently apply...

my special beauty enhancer over your mug...

even I can get the job done.

And don't forget Loomis's no-return guarantee.

As soon as you drop that calf, I ain't comin' back.

Let's listen to one of my satisfied customers.

My wife and I wanted to start a family...

but our schedules always seemed to conflict, so we called Loomis.

Now we're one big happy family.

Thank you, Loomiseses.

So do what thousands of other hard up heifers have done.

Call 1-900-K-N-O-C-K-UP today...

and before you know it, you'll be carryin' your own bundle of joy...

or as I, Loomis, like to call it, "a fruit of Loomis"...

when you let me knock you up!

And now a word from the Corlick sisters.

Actually, this commercial is meant to serve as an apology.

Right. Believe it or not, they've had some complaints...

from some of the black customers here at Lenny's.

- That's "Deny's." - Oh.

And you black people, I realize that whole slavery thing...

might have been a little unpleasant.

- Oh, it's a darn shame. - But we're not here to change the world.

- My, my, no. - We're just here to serve...

the kind of food weirdos and insomniacs love to eat.

And any other religion. Makes no difference to us.

- Oh, you are a moron! - We're through talking about religion.

Let's talk about all the new black people we bought.

- You mean "hired"! People used to complain... - Yeah.

There was only one black guy working here, and he was mopping the floors.

Now we have four guys mopping the floor, and we've changed our venue.

- That's "change of menu." - Right.

We serve the same food full of flavor and Geritol.

- That's "cholesterol"! - That's right.

And we've given our new name to appeal to Africans and Farrakhan.

- Oh, that's "African-American"! - Okay, smarty-pants.

- Let's talk about the bibs. - That's "ribs."

Just look at our new "Baby's Got Back" Ribs.

Oh, God, this sucks!

That's not all that sucks.

There's also our special Drive-By Breakfast.

I just love those dead pigs in a blanket.

And be sure to try our all new Grand Slambo Dinners.

And we've added extra watermelon to our stolen car.

- That's the "salad bar"! - Eat up, house fly.

That's "homeboy"!

Deny's... Where black money is as welcome as anybody's.

Now, from the director of Boys in the Hood...

comes a film starring JanetJackson...

as a singer who shouldn't try to do movies...

and Tupac as a rapper whose mother named him...

him after a cheap way to buy toilet paper.

They were both looking for a little UnpoeticJustice.

Yeah, Chicago, he fine.

There he is. Isn't he cute?

Girl, you need to roll up to Oaktown with us.

Girl, you trippin'. JanetJackson don't ride in no mail truck.

- - How long you been doin' hair anyway?

I don't do hair. I make up poems and say them to myself.

Today, this movie opens. Tomorrow, the video shelf.

Girl, what's wrong with you?

Hey, baby. Damn, them jeans is tight!

Tight. My jeans are too tight.

It takes four people to pull them off me at night.

Let's cut the bull.

I know what you really want.

What I really wanna know is, what you doin' in this movie...

when you've never been to the hood a day in your life, understand me?

I do not like being in the hood.

I do not like it, though I should.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam I am.

Tell me, baby, how you get a name likeJustice?

- It's a long story. - Hey y'all, I just remembered.

- This is a John Singleton movie! - Oh, yeah.

- Bleep you! - Well, bleep you!

- Well, beep you! - Well, beep, bleep, bleep, bleep!

- Well, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep you! - Well, beep, bleep, then...

bleepy bleep, bleep!

Now that the cursing's over, it's time to hear some more voices.

[Man's Voice Speaking Spanish In Janet's Head]

Where is the library?

Why couldn't I get Whitney's role in The Bodyguard?

Oh! Oh, you too good for us now!

Attention Kmart shoppers.

We have a blue-light special on Aisle 3.

Now available, video copies ofJohn Singleton's PoeticJustice.

Just 3.99. Wait a second. Make that 1.99.

UnpoeticJustice.

It's notjust a movie, it's a... a-a-a...

We don't know what the hell it is.

Some of you are stunned by Thomas Hearns's choice of a challenger for his comeback.

His opponent, a virtual unknown by the name of Carl "the Tooth" Williams...

unranked by the W.B.A., the W.B.C., the I.B.F. And the W.B.F.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carl "the Tooth" Williams.

Tooth, where were you born, Tooth?

Basically, I was born though in C.P.T.

Uh, Mr. Williams, what would you say to those who contend...

that you're completely out of your league...

and no match for Mr. "Hitman," Thomas Hearns or somethin'?

Well, I think they should read the paraphernalia.

- Well, what about your record? - My record speaks for itself.

Uh, Tooth, your record is 0 and 217.

Yeah, but I'm closing in fast on that number.

But, uh, like I said, my record speaks for itself...

but it don't necessarily speak for myself.

Whatever I had said.

And, anyway, I got new techniques right now.

- Ah, training techniques? - No, actually, I got new brushin' techniques.

See, I feel that a clean toofus is a happy toofus.

Tooth, I've got a question for you.

What would you say that Muhammad Ali...

Joe Frazier and George Foreman all have in common?