Diary of an Uber Driver

Just off to work, Michael?

No. Uh, going home. I work from home.

Oh, right. Work from home.

That's the dream, right?

To be honest, though,

I reckon I'd end up watching Netflix all day, hey.

So, what line of work are you in?

Architecture.

Seriously?

Oh, mate, when I was in school, or even still now,

I was like, "Architecture.

That is the top of the top," you know, as far as art forms go.

Imagine that.

I mean, I've... I've met guys who do graffiti,

and they... they kind of think they're top shit, you know?

Imagine they're pointing at their painting going, "I did that."

And you're like, "Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

"You know what I did? The entire building behind it."

Yeah, it's awesome, man. Congratulations.

Do you follow the rugby at all?

Sorry, would you mind if we just didn't speak?

Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

I just don't want to have a whole conversation

every time I get into an Uber.

I'm paying you, OK?

You know, we're not friends.

You don't have to... we just don't have to... to talk.

I'm more likely to give you a good rating

if we can just be quiet.

I don't understand why more drivers don't realise that.

Yep. Cool. Sorry.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

You too. Thanks a lot, Michael.

Jerk.

Oh, he won't listen to me.

- Shit. - OK. OK.

Bye!

Come on!

Michael.

Hello. How are you?

- Yeah, hi. How are you? - Oh, I'm good.

You know, darling, you really should pop on by

and have a look at these books before I throw them away.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was thinking about that, and, um, you know what?

I think I'm OK.

Yeah, I have so many books already.

Well, you can never really have too many though, can you?

Clearly you can, that's why I'm throwing them away.

Yeah. No, I'm OK.

Well, why don't you come on over anyway

and we can forget about the books

and have a look at the end of a bottle of wine?

Ha.

See you later.

You weren't waiting for the lift?

No, no. No, no. I'm going to take the stairs.

Up to the sixth level?

Yeah.

I could use the exercise.

Ha! You are a good boy.

See ya.

Oh! Oh, fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

Shit.

(OVER INTERCOM) Hello? - Hi, sorry.

Um, is there an old man on your level?

Sorry, who's this?

I, uh, live in the building across the way.

I'm just a bit worried about an old man.

I... I saw him through the window.

I think he's on your level.

OK.

So... So, do you know what number he's in?

I don't know.

Well, uh, he's, uh, second flat from the right,

so do you think maybe you could go and check on him?

Uh, I can't. I've got my kids.

OK.

Well, do you mind letting me in so I can come and check?

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone in there?

Hello?

Is there anyone in there?

If there's anyone in there, please answer the door.

Hello!

Please!

If there's anyone in there, please answer the door!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh... OK, fuck.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Hello? Hi.

Um, I think my, uh, neighbour has died.

I... I've tried knocking, but he won't answer.

Well, I don't know.

No, I don't know. I just saw him through the window.

I think he's alone.

Oh, he's here! Oh, thank God.

It's OK, it's fine.

I... It's fine, thank you. He's here, thanks.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I'm so sorry!

I... I thought something awful had happened to you.

I saw you through the window. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- I just... - Don't touch me, ya poof.

Bang, bang!

See, they're not allowed toy guns anymore,

so they just use the dolls to kill each other.

Bang, bang!

Hmm. Feels worse.

It does, doesn't it?

Mm.

So, what do you think of Beck's friends?

Yeah, yeah. They're great. I like them.

- Hmm. - Mm.

What about her work friends?

Yeah, they're really nice.

You don't think that they're a little...

A little what?

... insubstantial?

Uh-uh. No, no, no. I'm not playing this game.

What?

- What... ? - I know what you're doing.

You are trying to trick me into saying Beck's friends are shallow.

I never said shallow.

Then she's going to come over here

and you're going to tell her I didn't like em.

- I would never do that. - Yes, you would.

Last week you made me say I didn't like her rug. It's entrapment.

Hey guys. - Hey, Beck.

- Ben was just saying... - No, I was not.

... that this is the best potato salad he's ever had.

Oh, so good.

Yum, yum, yummy.

Ah, Ben, this is my stepbrother Clint.

- Hey, Clint. Nice to finally meet ya. - Yeah.

- I just want to say congratulations. - Thanks.

- Thanks, mate. - I'm really excited for you guys.

Oh, excellent. Thank you.

I'm hoping once the baby's born,

my parents will stop keeping such a close eye on me.

Oh, why? Do Mum and Rodney really give you a hard time

- about your Latin studies? - Right.

Shut up, Beck.

Does anyone even use Latin for anything anymore?

- Oh... - It's just a really great launch pad

for almost all European languages, so...

Yeah, cool. I'd heard that, actually.

Alright, well, I just wanted to say hi before I head off.

- Oh, really nice to meet you. - How are you getting home?

- Uh, train. - All the way across town?

- It's not that far. - No, bullshit.

Just hang around for an hour. I'll give you a lift.

- Nah. Nah, I've got to go study. - I can take him.

- I can take you if you want. - No. No.

No, honestly, it's fine. It's important, you know, schooling.

Seriously?

- Yeah. - That's really nice, Ben.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Honestly, totally fine.

OK. Well, thanks Ben.

I, uh... I actually studied German in high school for about, um...

... oh, six months?

Hallo. Wie gehts?

Ich bin Ben. That's about the extent of it.

Yeah, a lot of throat work, I remember.

People struggle with that.

I took to it.

Took to it like a duck to water.

So, what do you think about to stop yourself from cumming?

Sorry?

You know, like when you're about to bust a nut,

everyone's got that one fucked up thing they think about

- to go a little longer. - Uh...

I don't... I don't know. Why do you want to know that?

Just making conversation.

Yeah, I don't think that's appropriate, Clint.

OK.

Alright, it must be something really fucked up

- if you're not going to tell me. - What? No!

Is it like...

- Is it your Dad's balls or something? - No!

Is it worse? Is it animals?

- No. Jesus! - Alright, what is it then?

It's nothing.

If it's nothing, then what does it matter?

Just... the news or something, I guess.

- It's the news? - Yeah, I don't...

- I don't know. The news, yeah. - Which news? What... ?

I don't know, Clint. Any news.

Current events and stuff.

OK. So, like ISIS.

Well, I feel like ISIS hasn't been in the news for a while.

Fuck, were you thinking about ISIS when you got my sister pregnant?

What? No! That is fucked up, man.

- No. No. - Holy shit, imagine that.