Workaholics

Aah!

Morning, Champ.

Funny how things... Work out.

Flower power, dude.

Anders, why are you messing around?

We're gonna be late for work.

What is going on? Why are you guys doing this?

Why do I love my mom so much?

Why do kids start at different reading levels?

Why are girls pretty?

Why do I get sleepy after I touch myself?

No more pranks, okay?

We're not in college anymore.

We're grown-ups! So act like it.

Just--just act like grown-ups, please, okay?

Thank you.

Ow!

Oh, this is not even funny!

Oh, what, are you gonna break on through to the other side?

Jim morrison? The doors?

'Cause of the... There's a door frame.

And the... 'Cause if y--

Hey, buddy.

Hey, can you get your dad's credit card out?

Yeah, there you go. Chief.

Does it start with a four? Guys.

Jesus.

Can I call you back? They hung up.

Thanks, Jillian. Every time.

I'm really sorry, you guys.

I just--I haven't really been the same

since Michael Jackson died in that knife fight.

Mm, that's what big media wants you to think.

He's on a beach with Brad Renfro and heath ledger

drinking beers. This guy.

Look it up.

Oh, in other news, I overheard Alice say

that she's gonna create a senior sales position.

It's a pay raise, it's health insurance,

and a key to the executive bathroom.

Basically a pay bump and a comfy dump.

Wow. Gross. Why are you telling us this?

'Cause I think one of you guys could totally get it.

Really?

Yeah, you guys have been here

for, like, forever, and you're not waymond.

Can I help you?

A pay raise.

Sounds like someone's finally

gonna get that 401k started.

- Oh. - What's a 401k?

I'm glad you asked.

Basically, it's a retirement plan so you can...

Oh, no. Never mind.

Totally thought it was a laser.

Okay, can I talk now?

Because with my pay raise,

I get a flying squirrel suit to go base jumping with,

and that health insurance?

Ooh, boy!

I wouldn't mind

taking a growler in that executive bathroom,

but, uh, not the promotion thing.

You know, mo' money, mo' problems.

Why don't we all just be honest with each other?

We all want the promotion.

- No, I really don't. - I do.

But only one of us can get it,

so let's make a supportive thing happen here.

Sure, I can-- we can do that,

'cause we are kings of friendship.

- Exactly. - Friendship titans.

Yeah, I think the only promotion I'm interested in

is promoting you guys to generals in my friendship army.

Yes, sir. Well said.

'Cause in no way is that, Alice,

gonna affect this.

'Cause this right here, bros,

is why I love coming to work, hanging out with my partners.

My chiefs. Best friends for life.

You'd have to be a real scumbag to mess that up.

The thing everyone hates about Anders

is his disrespect for women, you know?

He treats chicks like second-grade citizens.

And they're not.

Natalie Portman went to Harvard,

and she's smart as . She's super smart.

How did you get in here?

If I were Anders, I'd punch you in the face

for asking something like that.

But I'm not.

Thank God I'm Adam and I love women.

All women. All shapes and sizes.

I just love 'em. Love 'em.

Blake asked me the other day how to spell "if."

Gonna trust that level of smartness

with a multi-thousand- dollar corp?

Adam, I think we're done.

Oh, and, Alice, it's...

I-f.

"I," if you didn't know.

I hate my life.

Hey, Alice, do you have a second?

For you? No.

Okay, I'll be really quick.

Uh, I put together a binder of new sales techniques

that I've been using on my calls,

and they've turned out to be super fruitful.

You know I don't like people going off my script.

Alice, Mr. Benson's on the line.

I just think we could do better.

Please take a look at my binder.

All right, I'm pretty sure these numbers are wildly inaccurate.

But put together a powerpoint, and I'll look at it or whatever.

Okay. I'll work on it over lunch.

You're not gonna be disappointed.

Did you want this, uh, open or closed?

- Hi, Mr. Benson. - Did you want this open, or--?

Oh, halfway.

Uh, yeah, did you get those numbers?

Right. They look good, huh?

Oh!

Yeah, but imagine it way, way hairier.

Oh, man. That--that's a problem.

- Right? - Got to see that in person.

Oh, well, well, well.

Look what we got here.

Blake schmoozing with the help.

Think your way to the top's through the bottom, buddy?

I vote wrong.

Adam, I don't want that stupid promotion.

I already told you.

Yeah, okay, Blake, and your hair doesn't look like a wig.

Guess what. It does. Everyone thinks so.

We're all talking about it. I don't think so.

Let's just consider me having this promotion locked up.

I just talked with Alice. It's pretty official.

Tales from an alternate universe

as told by Adam devine.

I don't know what that means, Jillian.

It means Anders pretty much has this sewn up.

Did you see that binder he showed Alice?

Oh, my gosh. It had graphs. In color.

Wow, color, graphs.

I did that when I was in 11th grade, I think.

Well, it impressed Alice,

'cause she wants to see a powerpoint right after lunch.

So good for him, right? Yeah.

And nobody can--

nobody-- but I can--

mm-hmm.

Nobody c-- I'll get this.

- Okay. - But I...Can...

I'm gonna look up those lyrics.

- You got it. - All right.

- That was good. - Bye, Blake.

- Bye, Jillian. - See you, Adam.

Bye.

So ders is doing actual work, huh?

That is cheating, dude, right?

We cannot let him get this promotion.

Um, nope. You're not roping me into this one, bud.

Blake, you are roped.

You are fully roped, young calf.

Could you imagine ders being your boss?

Actually, I didn't think of that.

You know, I'm gonna be a much cooler boss than him.

Executive bathroom?

More like Blake's personal masturbating chamber.

Oh, I'd like that.

Yeah, me too! And so it is written.

Let us form an alliance.

Like, uh, Woody and buzz lightyear, right?

Yeah, okay. To infinity.

And beyond.

Ah, ha. That was easy.

Yeah, well, I'm a pushover.

Hey, big guy.

We're about to go out and get that new,

triple bacon, double mushroom, Swiss melt burger.

Oh, great. Yeah, that-- that sounds good.

I can't go.

I got this lunchtime spinning class

that I'm gonna go to instead.

You know, bust some cardio.

Oh, for sure. Got to stay tight.

Know what I mean? Yeah.

- We get that. - Right.

- Know all about staying tight. - Right. Got to.

Look a little loose in the cage, brother.

No, I'm not. You are.

Hey, we'll let you know

how the triple bacon, double mushroom,

Swiss melt burger goes. Great.

All right. It's time to handle the scandal, Blake.

Yes, and by scandal you mean

triple bacon, double mushroom, Swiss melt burger.

No, right now we have to ruin ders

and all that he stands for.

And then get the triple bacon, double mushroom,