All Inclusive

I've written the days of the week on the freezer bags.

Just take them out a couple of hours before use.

On Sunday, comb all three for lice. Including Victor. It has to be done.

We're getting rid of those bastards. Are you listening, Lasse?

I'm really, really in a hurry.

The taxi's here now. Kids! Give me a kiss.

Get out now, Thomas. I have to be in the airport five minutes ago.

Ditte, my name's David.

Hi, Mum. - Hi, Ditte.

Why are you always late? - Shut up, Sigrid.

We have to walk faster. - Where's Dad?

Hello! Answer me.

Dad's not going after all. It's just the three of us.

The three of us? We can't leave without Dad.

What's going on?

Well, it's Dad...

Dad is dead. - No!

No, no. - Dad is dead?

Dad's not dead. - He is dead.

To me he is. - Dad?

No, Dad's not dead. - No, honey. It was a joke.

I'm sorry, Skipper.

Mum and Dad are getting a divorce. - A divorce?

Come with me, Ditte. - What's going on?

Dad's new girlfriend is Jonna. Remember her? From Accounts?

Mum found them in the store room. She had Dad's thingy in her mouth.

No. - Yes.

Mum, come on.

We're already late. Come on. - I'm not going.

We're going to Malta to celebrate your birthday.

I don't even know where Malta is.

It's close to Africa. Come on. Shall I take this for you?

Do you have your boarding pass?

Come on, honey.

Welcome. Glad to have you on board. You're in seats A and B.

We're in row 15, Mum. Come on.

Sigrid, are we not together? - Where is Ditte's seat?

Why aren't we sitting together?

What are you looking at? - Are you travelling on your own?

No, my mother and sister are over there.

Where's your dad? - He should've been here.

But he chose to stay home and bang an accountant named Jonna.

My maths teacher's called Jonna.

I don't think it's her.

May I have some?

Not really. No, Dad!

Here. - Thanks.

And please stop talking to my son. - Okay, fine.

What is it now?

My dad thinks you seem mentally unstable.

And what makes him an expert in other people's mental health?

He's a psychologist.

It's really nice. Where did you get it?

It was a present from my mum.

Can I try it? - Yes, for a little while.

Dad? - It's really cool, huh?

I have to pee. - Not now. The plane's landing.

But then I'll pee in my pants. - You'll have to wait. We're landing.

I can't. I'm peeing now. Here it comes.

Here. - Are you giving my son alcohol?

No, I'm giving him something to pee in.

Will you please hold this? - What? Yes.

Can I get a sip? I need a drink. - No, no.

It's tepid. I'll get you a drink at the hotel.

Why do you complicate everything? - No, no, no, it's pee! Sorry.

Come to me and get your 'all inclusive' bracelets. Here you go.

You ought to mention the humidity. It's important to drink a lot.

I was planning on saying that.

Last year you said it in the bus. I missed it this year.

You're doing a great job.

Dad, remember our suitcase. Dad?

All inclusive bracelets for you.

Lousy, crappy suitcases! I told you not to buy this discount shit.

It wasn't me who bought it.

Did I count you? - Twice.

It just says you're four travelling together. I can't find Bent.

Bent Reinholt. Is he with you? - No. Come on.

I don't understand. It says Lise, Bent, Ditte and Sigrid Reinholt.

Bent is dead. You're incredibly unprofessional.

518. Here it is. - It's the last one.

Aren't you too hot in this? - No.

How annoying. - Do it slower.

Didn't you get another card as well? - No, it is this one.

With a picture of a lady.

Are you sure? - Slower, Sigrid.

I also got another card. I'll just try the other one.

Oh, that was it.

Wow, what a nice room!

Just let me take it, Mum.

It's a lovely, big bed.

Oh my god, I am so hot.

No, no, not the mini bar! It's just way too expensive.

Don't even touch them, or they register it as if you drank it.

When were Lasse and I... When were we in Rome?

I think it was in 2009, Mum? You had the kids.

It was a terrible shock when we got the check.

Dad must have really splashed out. - Did Dad move out?

And you can walk on the cliffs. - Answer me. Did Dad move out?

I think you're in there. Let's go and look at your room.

Why aren't the two of us together? - Come on. Let's have a look.

Mum...

Come on.

Hi. - Not now. Mum's really upset.

Just come in, Ditte. - Hi.

Mum, you're not alone. - Yes, I am.

Remember you've got me, Lasse and the kids.

And you've got... Ditte.

There, there, Mum.

Hi, Mum - Aren't you too hot in those boots?

Are you okay, Mum? - No, Mum isn't feeling too well.

Would you like to go to the bar? - Now?

Yes. - No, I don't really need anything.

It's just been a really long day and I'm tired now, Ditte.

We'll see you tomorrow, okay, Ditte?

Dad, could you come down here?

Why not?

This holiday was your idea.

Did she find out just yesterday?

Three weeks ago?

Are you talking with Dad?

Are you smoking? - No, I'm not.

Why are you talking with Dad? - How long have you known?

For two weeks and three days. - Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Ditte, what would you have done if you had known?

I would've helped you and supported you and dropped by with pizzas.

You should've called me.

Can I get a cigarette?

Come and sit down.

Ditte, when Mum had her stroke, we called you for three days.

It's five years ago and my batteries were flat. I've told you before.

No, not that time. You were touring with that rock hullabaloo band.

That rock hullabaloo band was when you were giving birth.

Yes, and funnily enough you never made it to any of my deliveries.

Funnily enough, I don't like looking up your pussy when humans pop out.

Mum has been there every time and she loves watching them pop out.

What's the issue here?

The issue is that you've signed out from this family and it's fine.

Then we don't expect anything from you and you can't disappoint us.

I didn't sign out from anything. - What are my kids' names?

God, what a stupid question. - What are their names?

You're being ridiculous.

What their names are? Their names are...

Their names are... It's Jonas.

Yes.

And the girl is called Laura.

The girl is called Laura. - And... William.

What? - William.

What did you say? - William.

No.

Villy. Villads.

For fuck's sake, it's Victor.

Victor, Victor, Victor. Laura, Jonas, Victor. Laura, Jonas, Victor.

You have to be the world's biggest egoist.

I'm bloody well not. Stop hitting me!

Damn, you hit really hard.

What did you buy for Mum?

What do you mean? - What did you buy for her birthday?

All kinds of stuff.

Can we share it, please? - See you tomorrow.

No, we can't share it. Buy your own present. Sweet dreams.

Cheers. - Cheers.

Which animal would you like to be?

Which animal?

Are you okay? Did the teddy bear molest you?

They won't let you in?

I think they're sleeping. Hello! Let me in! It's Ditte!

Maybe they're dead.

Your dad's not going swimming with you?

He's asleep. He's been up all night.

Doing what? - Crying.

Why? - Because of my mum.

This is just... Let me in!

Maybe they're having breakfast. - Not without me.

And then there's this. A war museum.

What? - War. A war museum.

I see. Dad would've loved that.

Well, he's not here. You can swim with dolphins.

We tried it on Kos. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I've always wanted to try it.

A historic tour. A tour of the Knights Templar.

Do you remember Dad talked about that?

A bus picks us up at the hotel and drives us to the ruins...

Good morning, Mum. - Hi. I'm glad you found us.

Were you in a coma? We knocked on your door for fifteen minutes.

Happy birthday, Mum. - But...

This is for you. - You're kidding, right?

It's a travel gift with all your favourite stuff.

It's all so nice.

This is so lovely. - Yes, I bought it on the Internet.

There's some honey and...

This is good.

And what does it say? "I was in Malta beach".

Isn't it lovely? - Yes.

Did you get that on the Internet, too? - I think it'll fit me.

It's beautiful. - It's not today.

What? - Mum's birthday is on Thursday.

90? - No, I told them it was 60.

Never mind. - I said sixty.

But I did say sixty.

Never mind. We'll just turn it upside down. Zero sex.