Home Improvement

Thank you very much and welcome to Tool Time

I'm your host, of course, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant Al "I can't find a better job" Borland.

Anyway, all this week Al and I will be doin' our salute to safety,

'cause, after all, Al, a safe workplace is a happy workplace. Right?

I wouldn't know, Tim.

And who better to help us with our salute to safety week,

than the boys at K&B Construction Company?

Let's get 'em out here with a big round of applause from the Tool Time crowd.

Come on, get 'em out here.

- Welcome aboard, guys. - Always great to be here, Timmy.

The reason I asked these guys down here is a darn good one.

The guys probably have the toughest job in construction

in the state of Michigan - workin' on the high steel.

And these guys have a perfect safety record for the last 195 days.

195.

- Think about that... - Timmy.

I'm afraid that record stopped at 194.

Good night, nurse. What happened?

Well, yesterday, somebody had a little accident with a rivet.

Well, you see, Tim, I was so excited about coming back on your show,

I let one of those red-hot rivets slip.

Yes, you did.

Hey, look on the bright side. You didn't burn any hair.

Tim, rivet accidents are no laughing matter.

And neither are you, Al.

Hey, before we get to our safety demonstration,

I'd like to get to a letter on a very controversial subject.

By a Charles Eddington, from Grosse Pointe, Michigan.

He writes, "Dear Tim."

"You've taken this masculinism bit too far.

"All you do is use loud tools, act macho and grunt like an ape.

Your show makes me sick and so do you."

He continues,

"I'd like to see a lot less of that Al guy. I hate Al."

- Can I see that, Tim? - We don't have time for that, Al.

You know...

Maybe Chas is right. Maybe we should stop this gruntin'. What do you think?

- (all) No. - Hey, hey, hey.

Folks, what do you think? Stop the gruntin'?

No.

Well, Chucky, I tried.

I think it's time to give this letter back to the complaint department.

Lisa.

- Here you go, Tim. All loaded. - Thanks, Lisa.

Chucky, this...

is the complaint department.

Al.

Wanna hold that letter up for me?

I don't think so, Tim.

I'd like to respond by saying, "Charlie, thanks for sharing your feelings."

Please feel free to write anytime.

Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle?

Mom, why are you dropping flowers on the table?

They're petals, see? It's romantic.

I'm gonna give your father this surprise dinner tonight

and I want everything to be perfect for him.

Then why aren't you eating in front of the TV?

Why don't you go get your suitcase? Randy, come on, move it.

Not yet. I think Brad and Jennifer are gonna kiss.

What?

Well, they've been looking at each other like that for an hour.

I have never seen him stare at anything that long.

Maybe I should just glue his history book to her face.

They're coming.

- Bye, Mrs. Taylor. - Jennifer. I didn't know you were still here.

Bye.

- Will I see you tomorrow? - Yeah, I'll be playing football at the park.

- Maybe I'll come by. - That'd be great.

- Bye. - Bye.

Well, Jennifer punched you.

Kathy Kramer said when a girl punches a boy,

she wants to get a hot kiss on the lips.

That is not what it means.

Well, Kathy Kramer should know, Mom. She went to school in France.

You stay away from her.

And Brad, you are way too young to be thinking about kissing.

There's other things that you need to think about first.

Like... shaving.

I've shaved.

Not a cat, stupid.

We'll go pack.

You're representing Tool Time here.

You do better when you don't concentrate. Just don't concentrate.

- That's it. - Time.

All right, let's see. Rock, you've got...

14 peanuts in your hat.

Tim...

- you've got 15. - Yes!

No! Count 'em again!

Still champion. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. The crowd goes wild. Yeah. Yeah.

It's gettin' late, guys. I'm gonna call my wife real quick.

No, wait, Tim. Am I hearing this right? You have to check in with the little woman?

Those pants come in a man's size, Timmy?

Hey, back off, fellas. I'm showing a little consideration. You got a problem with this?

- (phone rings) - (soft music)

- Hello. - Hey, butthead.

Excuse me?

Honey. you're not a butthead. of course I got hit with a peanut

Tim, where are you?

I'm down at Big Mike's with the guys from K&B.

Well, I thought you said this morning that you were coming right home.

I know I said that But we had a great show so we stopped by for a few beers

- Is that all right? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That sounds like fun.

But I want you to know that I'm really looking forward to seeing you.

Same here, you know. I'll be home real soon. 15 minutes tops. I'm on my...

on my way out the door right now. Set your timer.

OK. I'm just gonna be listening to a little...

- Billie Holiday. - Yeah, I'm comin' right home.

- I'll be waiting. - OK. bye-bye

Bye-bye.

- Hey, guys, I think I gotta get outta here. - No. You just got here.

You can't leave. Your peanut crown's on the line.

You've been challenged in the Peanut Plunge.

- By who? I beat everybody. - Except me.

Oh.

- One more. - Set it up. Set it up.

Two hours. Unbelievable.

"Set the timer."

Hello.

It's me.

Hey, Jill. What are you doin' sittin' here in the...

Uh-oh.

Hey, looks like you planned something special.

- Yeah. - You put together a little dinner for...

Uh-huh.

Hey, where are the kids?

Your mother came and picked 'em up.

No kids. Oh, no.

Yeah, so we could have a nice romantic evening alone together,

just me and that chicken on your plate.

So you must have had to carry the conversation.

I just wanna know what happened to "15 minutes. Set the timer."

Honey, I'm really sorry, but the guys and I got in some real serious discussions

about...

relationship things, you know, men-women stuff.

Sharing feelings.

Pretty heavy stuff.

I spent two days planning this evening.

Do you have any idea how long it's been

since we had a quiet, romantic evening together?

I was on the phone. Why didn't you say, "Come home"?

- I wanted to surprise you. - Well, I'm surprised.

Come on, Jill. Lighten up. I didn't understand what you meant on the phone.

Well, what did you think I meant when I said all that stuff

about how I was looking forward to seeing you and "I'll be waiting"?

Like you said it like that - "I'll be waiting."

Well, I wanted to be more subtle. What did you want me to say?

"The kids are gone, I'm home alone. Come and take me, big daddy."

That I understand.

- Good night. - Come on, Jill.

I don't go out with these guys every night. What's making you so angry?

I am angry because you said

you were going to be home in 15 minutes and then you weren't.

Because I'm flirting with you like crazy on the phone and you didn't even notice.

And most of all, because I went to all this trouble for nothing.

I spent the whole evening by myself, and now you're stuck with a plate of cold food.

Don't worry about me, I ate at the bar.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't have dessert.

When a girl punches you...

do you think she wants to kiss you?

If it's an uppercut, no.

If it's a short jab to the shoulder, maybe.

That's what I thought.

Has Jennifer been giving you jabs or uppercuts?

Jabs.

- Does that worry you? - Yeah.

Me too.

But when you and Mom kiss, do you ever bump noses?

Are you kiddin'? We got the tilt thing down.

When you kiss a woman, you gotta lean to one side,

she's gotta go the other side, so you don't mash noses.

Unless you could find a woman whose nose is big enough

you could fit right into it.

- Listen... - Dad...

Don't rush into this kissing thing, OK?

That's what Mom said. She said I'm too young.

She's right. She's really smart. We didn't start kissing till last week.

- Hey, doof, wanna go play some football? - Don't punch me.

He punched you, gotta kiss him. Come on.