How I Met Your Father

Ripped and corrected by - YoungJedi -

- House, call my son. Lights on.

It's 2050, how does this still not work?

Call. My. Son!

And turn down the damn lights.

- Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, sweetie!

- Oh, you look tired. Okay, thanks for calling.

- Are you busy? Not really. Just finished studying.

Good 'cause I wanna tell you

the story of how I met your father.

I already know how you met Dad.

Ah, you know the basics,

but it's time for me to tell you the unabridged version.

How many glasses of that wine have you had?

Just enough to include the sexy bits.

Oh good god, here we go.

Now, like a lot of love stories back in 2022,

this one starts with a Tinder date.

Excuse me.

Actually, it starts with me being late to a Tinder date.

- Don't hit me! Don't hit me! -

- Uh, Sophie? - Yeah!

Hey, I'm Jesse. This is my best friend Sid.

Don't mind him, he's just hitching a ride.

Oh! Ask me why I'm hitching a ride.

- Come on! Ask me! - Uh, w-why are you hitching a ride, Sid?

- I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight. -

Wow, girlfriend! Not gonna be saying that much longer!

Someone's gonna be nothing but fiancée!

Fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée!

Sophie, be a dear and choke me out with this charging cord, would you?

Ooh, actually, can I use it

'cause my phone's belly is hungry. She's all,

: "Feed me, Mama!"

Okay, tell me everything. Who is she?

Okay, so her name's Hannah.

She's a surgical resident in LA,

so we've been doing the long-distance thing

while I'm here running my bar, Pemberton's.

Uh, look at you, locking down a surgeon!

- - How you gonna ask her?

So, she thinks we're gonna go see Beyoncé tonight,

but really, I got all our friends waiting at my bar to surprise her.

You think she's gonna be a little bummed that you're not actually seeing Beyoncé?

I keep telling him she's gonna be bummed.

Okay, a lifetime with me is better than Beyoncé.

- Sure. - Hm...

So, uh, what about you, Sophie?

What's going on at the Rosewood bar?

Okay, uh,

I know this might sound crazy,

but I think I've found the man

that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

- Hm. - Yeah.

Only thing is he's from Tinder, and we haven't actually met in real life yet.

Oh, very You've Got Mail.

More like you've got unrealistic expectations for this date.

Okay, I-I know how this sounds,

but I am not some wide-eyed dope

who thinks she's found true love every time some douchey ibanker

swipes right and texts, "'Sup?"

My last Tinder date was the worst one yet.

The guy showed up 20 minutes late.

Sophie? Sorry, I'm late.

Oh. That's okay.

Subway delay?

Uh, no, actually, I was, uh...

I was on another date before this, and, uh,

let's just say it went well.

Like, uh...

Like really well.

Like, I just had sex.

- He told you that?! - Why would he tell you that?!

That's not even the worst part.

He actually thought that telling me he just had sex was charming.

He thought I'd just laugh and smile and say,

"That's so crazy!" Because, God forbid, a woman in this city

actually expects anything from a guy,

even if it's just the basic decency to not tell her

he just had sexual intercourse with someone else!

What is wrong with everyone?!

And right there, outside that bar,

I decided to quit Tinder.

But when I went to deactivate my account...

- - I matched with Ian.

You matched with Ian?! She matched with Ian.

- Yeah. - It started with

your typical flirty banter, you know, just getting to know you stuff.

Who was your first celebrity crush?

Tia Mowry. You?

Buzz Lightyear.

Oh, an astronaut made of plastic...

Freaky!

And then we started to actually get to know each other.

What kind of photography do you do?

Right now, I shoot stuff like birthday parties

and engagement photos to pay the rent,

but my heart is in street photography.

That's when you sneak up on a stranger,

take their picture, and then run away before they punch you, right?

That's exactly right.

- What do you do? I know this sounds made up,

but I'm a marine biologist.

That is 100% made up.

And before long, we were texting all day.

All night, too.

- First kiss? Mabel Greyhound, seventh grade.

You cook? One of my favorite hobbies.

I've been thinkin' about you all day.

Oh my god, Ian, ask a girl out already!

I was thinking the exact same thing!

So, are you ever gonna ask me to meet you in real life?

I'd love to,

but I'm in Australia for work for the next two weeks.

So, we made plans to meet up when he got back,

and that brings us to tonight,

and my last first date ever.

Wow, that's romantic as hell.

I know, right?

- What does the killjoy think? - Hey!

Look, I got a real good feeling about this Ian guy.

No, no. I can't do it.

No, the truth is the chances of this guy

being your soul mate are lower than low.

I mean, there's a better chance of you giving me a five-star review

after this rude assessment I'm making.

Speaking of which, don't forget your phone.

Ah. Thanks.

- - Uh, happy proposing.

Thank you.

- -

- What? - Ooh... You liked her.

Did not.

- Did, too. - Did not!

- Did not. - Did, too-- Dammit.

Ian?

Sophie!

Hi.

Hi.

And thus began the best first date I'd ever been on.

A date so good, you don't even check your phone.

Whoa. - I know.

You know, we should go see that new movie next week

where walking Joaquin Phoenix plays Amelia Earhart.

And then it happened.

What?

Okay, so...

Sophie, the thing is...

I'm moving to Australia.

You just got back from there.

I know.

It was only supposed to be a research trip,

but right before I left, they offered me a full-time job

on a team that's helping endangered coral reef procreate.

Can't you just...

light a candle and put on some soft rock?

I mean, that always works for me.

When are you leaving?

Tonight.

Tonight.

I only came back to New York to pack and sublet my place.

I know I should have told you this sooner.

I was just afraid that you wouldn't come,

and...

I had to meet you, Sophie.

And so,

we decided it would be a bad idea

to start a long-distance relationship

after just a few weeks of texting

and an amazing first date.

Goodbye, Sophie.

Goodbye, Ian.

Uh...

I kind of wanna kiss you right now.

I kind of want that, too.

Uh... I think it's best if we don't.

Maybe someday.

Yeah. Someday.

I was devastated.

But at least I was coming home to my bestie,

Aunt Valentina!

She was just back from Fashion Week in London.

Oh! I'm so happy you're home.

I missed you so much.

We don't have time for "I miss yous!" Dish.

How was your date with Ian? Was he tall?

- Yes. - Was he a good listener?

Yes.

Were his eyes as kind as his photo?

Yes!

Why aren't you jumping?

Because he's moving to Australia.

Soph, I am so sorry.

Did you bang one out anyway?