Undercover Wedding Crashers (Operación Camarón)

Mr. Arroyo,

your passion at the keyboard stirs the spirit

and excites the senses with an almost religious fervor.

You moved us deeply.

Congratulations.

You have a bright future in the piano world.

Please be seated.

Don't get up!

Sebastián Arroyo López.

Born in Valladolid, studied in Valladolid

and examined for the National Police Corps in Valladolid...

but... requested a job here, in Cadiz.

Why would that be?

For the Mardi Gras parties?

Do you like the music, or is it the parades?

Or perhaps you came all the way from Valladolid

because you think Andalusia's a free-for-all!

You have no training,

you haven't taken the entrance exam and yet you expect me

to give you a job, just because your Lordship

is the son of the sister of the Councilor for Agriculture!

She's my aunt-in-law.

I know perfectly well who she is! Don't push me!

No, I mean she's my mother's sister-in-law.

She's not my real aunt, she's my aunt-in-law,

who works as a politician.

She's my aunt-in-law.... in law.

And?

And she's my godmother.

Well, your fairy godmother

has stuck her magic wand right up my ass!

I didn't want her to, but...

Oh, I'm sure you didn't want her to...

Nobody did!

This is the National Police Corps, for God's sake!

How can we enforce the law

if we let in any old idiot because his aunt-in-law's a politician?

You're absolutely right. This is unjustifiable.

What are you doing?

Going back to Valladolid.

I'll tell my aunt you taught me a valuable lesson.

Lucky some people still have principles.

No, don't say anything to your aunt!

I was just venting!

I'm not having the best day today.

Don't say anything, please!

I have great respect for your aunt.

She's a great lady and an excellent councilor!

I'm going to make some calls right now.

I'm sure we can find something for such a brilliant young man like you!

We always find something here.

UNDERCOVER WEDDING CRASHERS

Antoñito...

What a surprise!

Fucking hell!

Get out and show me the drugs.

Careful! Don't fall!

Drugs? It's just furniture...

I'm helping my cousin Patricia move.

You know, the one who sells panties.

That's what family's for.

I have a truck, so I'm helping her out.

It's just furniture and she's saving money.

See?

If it's just furniture, why'd you run away?

Because it's always the good guys who pay.

-Are you high, Antoñito? -No!

Every time I get pulled over, I get fined.

It's not right!

With all due respect, you're always taking money from honest people,

people who earn their daily bread with the sweat from their brow.

The sweat from their brow...

So what's this? To dry the sweat?

Well, well!

Don't move a muscle, faggot!

Come on, drop the pen... The pen...

Drop it or you're a dead man.

Come on! Move it!

-You could get a disciplinary for this. -Man, you're boring!

Obviously not from Cadiz, you haven't got a funny bone in your body!

You're dull as ditchwater!

But you're from Galicia! Back to work!

Home's where the heart is, that's what they say.

Look what they seized!

I wish I'd been there.

Bang! Everybody freeze!

Get on the floor!

Move and I'll blow your fucking brains out!

Hey you, asshole! What did I just say?

Police don't talk like that.

Wait 'til I get promoted, then you'll see.

Wow, wow and wow! Check out this piano!

You play, right?

Give us a tune then!

Come on! Play something!

No, no...

No, I'd better not.

Besides, it's been confiscated, we can't touch it.

Come on, Beethoven! Who cares?

Live a little!

Look, I said no, alright?

What are you doing?

Where are you going? What are you doing?

Don't touch that!

I said don't touch! Stop, stop...

What the hell are you doing?

Stop it already! We're going to get a disciplinary.

Relax!

Do you know how hard it is to get a disciplinary?

Look where we are! They don't even come down here to clean!

It's just... when I was a kid,

I'd get so nervous playing in front of an audience.

-The fear kept growing and growing... -Save the childhood traumas!

If you can't play, just say so.

Excuse me?

I was a child prodigy, OK?

Child prodigy my ass!

You can't play the piano.

Your reverse psychology isn't going to work on me!

I want to talk to my lawyer.

Right, Antoñito...

We both know how this works.

You ask for a lawyer, I hit you.

You keep insisting and I hit you a couple more times.

Until you end up telling us about your phimosis surgery.

But now there's a problem... She's pregnant.

-Congratulations. -Thanks.

The doctor told me to rest.

I just want to go home,

put my feet up and watch Oprah.

So how about we skip this part?

Who's the Ghost?

The Holy Ghost?

Everyone knows you work for him.

I swear I don't know who you're talking about.

No, Elton John, don't stop!

Sorry, this area's restricted, you're not allowed in here.

-It's Pepa... -Name and badge number.

Sorry, but you are....

Josefa Garrido,

Inspector, narcotics division.

Inspector!

I'm going to open such a big disciplinary file,

you'll have enough paper to wipe your ass for a year.

I told him, Ma'am. "We're going to get a disciplinary".

Have you stored the drugs yet?

Then get the fuck out of here. Now!

He wishes he was Elton John!

He's the real king of pop.

Enough bullshit!

We know you're stealing from the Ghost.

No, no, no... You're wrong. No, no...

Relax, it's cool with us.

One little bundle here, another two little bundles there...

Nobody notices and you make some extra cash.

What will the Ghost say when we spread the word

that Antoñito is setting up his own business?

I doubt you'll be named employee of the month.

Come on, give me something and I'll let you go.

-I don't know anything. -Yes, you do.

Give me a name, a connection, whatever.

I don't fucking know!

Really?

Spread the word.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait!

You'll be the death of me.

-Here you go. -Merci beaucoup.

"A beer would've been fine,

but no, he has to go and order oysters..."

What do you care, Sonny Croquet? You're not paying.

"I'm paying with my taxes, asshole!

And move the camera, I can't see shit."

"And the boy says: "Daddy, take me to the circus!"

And his dad says:

Sinner with a face the color of strawberry pie!"

-Fuck! Turn it down! -Sorry!

"Tell them the circus is here at the house!

We didn't come all this way to talk about the circus."

But it's a sure thing.

With your goods and our distribution,

we'll be selling "T-shirts" like hot cakes.

"So let's talk numbers. 60/40.

You think I was born yesterday?

90/10.

80/20."

"OK.

But you cover customs, lost goods"

and any legal expenses.

Take it or leave it.

Mari!

-"Come here a sec! -Yes, sweetie?

This lady has the best seafood in town."

It's so good, we're having it at my daughter's wedding.

Answer me this:

If you were offered seafood with only a 20% cut, what would you do?

Would you take it or not?

Depends. If it's good, the customers will take it off my hands.

That settles it, gentlemen. We have a deal.

That's my girl!