Two and a Half Men

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

I just can't remember what I came down here for.

Oh. That happens to me all the time.

I-I can't remember a specific example, but yeah.

Yeah, that's annoying. Uh, maybe you were hungry.

Did you come down to get something to eat?

No, I just ate.

Were you going to watch TV?

No. I have a TV in my room.

This is very disconcerting.

Don't panic. I mean, we'll figure this out.

Did you come down to give me the money you owe me?

Ah.

It's worth a shot.

No. I was upstairs, and I thought to myself

"I need to come downstairs and.."

You know what might help? A little less..

- "Whoa, dude, where's my car?" - No, it's not the pot.

I've been smoking pot since..

It's-it's not the pot.

What did I come down here for?

- Walden! - Hey!

I remember now. We have a houseguest.

Thank you so much for sending that car for me.

I mean, I felt like a big ol' movie star at the airport.

The driver held up a sign with my name on it

carried my bags, and even gave me a bottle of water from Fiji.

- It probably wasn't from Fiji-- - Would you look at this house?

I mean, right here on the ocean.

This is like something you would see in a magazine

except there would be famous people

standing here instead of us.

It is so nice to see you.

Well, it is nice to see you, too. Let me..

Uh, Missi, let me introduce you to my friend--

Hi, I'm Missi.

Everyone thinks it's short for Melissa,

but it's actually short for Mississippi.

The river not the state.

'Cause according to my parents

I was conceived on the deck of a gambling boat

when my daddy won a $5,000 jackpot on the Caribbean poker.

Wow, that's a--

Had you ever been to the Caribbean?

I went there three years ago for Spring break

and got stung by a jellyfish.

My friend had to pee on my leg.

Alan.

- Uh, it's nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you, too.

Um, could you direct me to the little girl's room?

I mean, unless one of y'all

have recently been stung by a jellyfish.

- Oh, it's right here. - Thank you.

Wow.

She's a pistol.

More like an AK-47.

So, uh, what's, uh.. what's the story here?

Uh, you and her..?

No. She's my old friend Jerry's daughter..

...and she's thinking about moving here, so I told him

she could stay here for a couple days, and I'd show her around.

Mm. She's very pretty.

Yeah?

How old do you think she is?

- Like, 18 or 19. - Oh, perfect.

You might lose a friend but you won't go to jail.

Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit me 'cause you can't hit that.

Ow!

Oh, my God, the weather here is amazing.

You know, I could just lay out in the sun

all day just like a big ol' lizard.

Back home, I have to get a spray tan

and sometimes it comes out a little orange

which is totally fine during Halloween

'cause I can always say that I'm going as a pumpkin.

- Oh, that's interesting. - I love Halloween.

Last year, I went to this party as a slutty nurse

and then, the year before that I was a slutty cat

and the year before that, I was a ladybug.

A slutty ladybug?

What? No! Why would I be a slutty ladybug?

Oh, I just..

- So.. - Thought since you were..

- What's the deal with Alan? - Oh, we..

Y'all, like, gay for each other or something?

I mean, it's totally fine if you are.

I have a gay friend. His name is Russell.

I got him to make out with me one time, but it didn't take.

No. We...we are not gay.

We are definitely not gay.

Uh-uh..

So, your dad tells me that you're, um..

...you're thinking about relocating.

Well, to be honest with you,

I'm not really sure what I want to do.

You know, I can always keep working as a dental assistant.

You know, that person that sucks the spit out of your mouth

with that little Wet-Vac

and then gives you the free toothbrush and the lollipop.

You do know what the lollipop's for, right?

- Well, I'm assuming.. - Repeat business.

You know, if it were up to me, I'd just give them caramel apple

or a little taffy or something.

Pull their teeth right out of their little heads.

Now, that's how you make money off children.

Well, that and baby beauty pageants.

Right.

- So, uh... - Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh...no, I do not.

I just went through a breakup.

Oh, you poor baby.

I am so sorry.

Could you put some suntan lotion on my back?

Uh, sure.

Thanks.

Well, don't forget to rubba-dub-dub.

- Rubba-dub-dub? - Yeah, you got to rub it in.

- Oh. - Okay.

Would you be offended if I popped the girls out?

What?

You know, get a little color on Kim and Khloe.

'Kim and Khloe..'

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

- Well, - Where you going?

Uh, I just need to do this thing that I need to do.

Okay. I'll be right here. Take care.

'You know, I had an electric car, too, when I was little.'

'You know, like one of those little Barbie Jeeps.'

Uh-huh.

But this one time, I left it out in the rain.

- So the battery died. - Uh-huh.

So my dad had to drill two little holes in the floorboard

so I could stick my feet through

and pedal it just like Fred Flintstone.

- Yabba-dabba-doo! - Yabba-dabba-doo!

- Hey. - Hey. Where have you guys been?

Uh, we went...

Walden took me to the Santa Monica Pier.

I actually got one of those churros.

You know, it's like a...like a doughnut, but long and Mexican.

Oh, hey. I'm Missi.

Are you Alan's girlfriend?

- Hell, no! - No!

No, Berta is my housekeeper.

Oh, cool. When I was in high school

I used to clean rooms at the Howard Johnson Hotel.

People are disgusting.

I walked into a bathroom one time

and it looked like a cow had exploded.

Excuse me. That churro's heading back to the border.

That, my friends, is what you get

when hillbillies have unprotected sex

with hummingbirds.

No. No trouble at all, Jerry.

She's a great kid.

Takes after her old man.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting another call. I got..

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You know, I love you dearly, Jerry, but you got to shut up.

Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.

- Yeah? - Hi.

Hey, I just got off the phone with your dad.

- He was just calling to see.. - Oh, Lord, that man can talk.

I swear, he doesn't even pause to take a breath.

- Do you have a sec? - Uh, sure.

Okay, yeah, have-have a seat.

- Uh.. - Wow.

This is a nice bed.

I bet you could do some serious drilling

on a workbench like this, huh?

Yeah. So you wanted to talk to me about something?

Do you remember the last time that we saw each other?

- At dinner? - No, silly.

I'm talking about when I was, like, eight years old

and you came to visit us, and we all went to the state fair.

Okay, I remember that.

Remember you had to take me and my mom

'cause my dad was working late?

And we ate cotton candy for dinner, and then you won me

that little stuffed pig in the squirt-gun horse race?

I used to practice my kissing on him.

Lucky pig.

Eventually, I wore out all the terry cloth on his snout

but it was actually okay, 'cause by that time, I changed over

to real boys, which, turns out a couple of them were pigs, too.

Yeah, pigs.

Do you want a robe or a blanket or a suit of armor?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine. And remember, I wanted to go on the tilt-a-whirl,

but my mom was too scared

so you said you'd sit next to her, but I wanted you

to sit next to me, so you sat in between us,

and you held both of our hands?