Shrinking

Fuck, Jimmy.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey.

Have you ever had a night like,

it was amazing, and you'd definitely do it again,

but you, like, totally regret it?

No, no, I haven't.

But that sounds crazy.

You should take a shower. You smell like tequila.

I didn't drink any. I just rolled around in it.

I'm not sure that that's better.

I don't know why I was so afraid of Snuffleupagus as a kid.

Oh, no, it makes sense.

- He's got that long trunk... - Yeah.

...and all that negative energy.

You know, adults couldn't see him until 1985.

Sesame Street AMA.

I hope that's a theme at the next bar trivia.

We're not gonna keep winning with just the two of us.

How's it going meeting people out in the wild?

I mean, it's just so hard to make friends as an adult.

Like what am I going to do? Join an improv group?

I get it though. I mean, my inner circle consists of

my dead best friend's neighbor,

my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend, and my mom.

But you got to keep putting yourself out there.

Maybe I just have to accept it's my fate to be alone.

Come on, Maya, that's not constructive.

You're going to find your people.

Remember, you're already not alone.

You have your trivia partner, me.

Do we know what the topic is next week yet?

National parks.

Hell, nah.

That team of crunchy man buns is going to whoop our asses.

Yeah. We're gonna have to recruit Smokey the Bear to win.

Really?

Good morning.

I come bearing beautiful homemade muffins.

Okay.

No, not for you.

You have an EKG today.

This is a straight-up bribe. We need help with Matthew.

What's up?

He's been lost for so long.

I tell him, "Look, we're surrounded by therapists, talk to one."

He agreed. He picked you.

Because he thinks you're very smart and kind and dope.

Matthew said that?

- He did not. - Damn it, babe.

I had him.

Listen, we don't have to convince him.

He owes us.

We raised your daughter for a year.

Liz, is your plan just to keep saying this forever

or only when you need something?

Undecided.

Alice, I need help guilting him.

Don't.

Liz didn't just feed me.

She drove me to school.

- She helped me with my SATs. - Yep.

Liz took her to the orthodontist. I took her to the gyno.

- Oh, my God. - Okay.

For that visit you did not have to come into the waiting room.

You could've stayed in the parking lot.

Okay. I have three sons. I had questions.

- Leaving. - Jimmy.

- Yes? - We need help.

He won't talk to me and I was just hoping that he would talk to you.

I miss my kid.

Of course. Yeah. Let me see what I can do.

Thank you. Thank you.

Cool thing I learned...

the vagina cleans itself.

It's like a Roomba.

I don't think that's true.

It's true.

Hey, Paul, I was wondering if we could...

There's Meg.

- There's Jimmy. - There's Paul.

What are you doing?

I never really know.

She dropped me off. She needed some coffee.

She was out jogging last night.

Didn't get in till 4:00 a.m.

- What? - Oh, I...

I just would never go running that late.

I'm afraid of being attacked.

Sexually.

I wouldn't worry about that, kid.

Bye, hon.

Bye.

Come on.

Act like you've had sex with the boss's daughter before.

You're married.

- Your dad is my friend. - Jimmy.

- I'm a bad friend. - You might be.

But not for this. Okay?

Dave and I, we've been separated for a few months.

We're dating other people. Well, he is dating... Whatever.

Look, I'm also... I'm a grown-up.

I'm not sweating what my dad thinks.

- Yeah, you are. - I am. A little bit.

But it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

Maybe we could just, like, pretend that I knew all this last night before we...

And also that it took a little bit of convincing to get me to...

I had to beg.

It's not believable, is it?

How are you doing with the Dave stuff? I know that that can be hard.

I went from knowing exactly what I would be doing for the rest of my life

to complete uncertainty.

It's...

Yeah, it's a real head trip.

Yeah, I get that.

Can you not mention the separation to my dad?

I haven't told him yet. I'm afraid he might hurt himself

jumping up and down for joy.

Yeah. Absolutely.

And maybe you could not mention that I slept with his baby girl.

That's gonna be tough.

I tell my dad about every guy that I sleep with.

This feels like it could be something real, doesn't it?

I'm fucking with you.

Jesus Christ.

You're meaner than your dad.

Sorry.

Hey.

I know it wasn't an uncomplicated kiss, but...

it did make me feel hopeful, so...

Me too actually.

You know, I didn't realize how freeing it would be

to have sex with someone who hasn't seen a person come out of you.

What?

Oh, a baby.

- Yeah. - Got it.

That's so much better than what I was picturing.

- Come on, sweetie. - Come on.

Give us a smile, just like you did this morning.

- That wasn't a smile. That was gas. - Hi.

Okay, well, how do we give her gas?

Is she too young to eat cabbage? Come on.

- We gotta go. Let's go. Let's go. - Yes.

I'm gonna get a great shot.

Why are you freaking out over this birth announcement?

Yeah, calm down.

It's more than just a birth announcement, Liz.

This is a really important milestone.

Plus this is how I'm gonna tell my dad that Charlie and I have a baby.

You haven't told him?

Was I not clear or is she a little slow?

What the fuck is wrong with you? That's insane.

Sutton came so early

and then everything just, like, snowballed on me.

My dad barely wrapped his head around me having a husband.

Two daddies raising a baby might make him hang himself

with his bolo tie, if that's even possible.

Every time I told my dad something big about my life,

you know, coming out, getting married,

that time in high school when I beat Andrew Kushner

for Seymour in Little Shop , which was huge,

my dad always blew it.

He'd say, "Okay,"

in this, like, completely disapproving way.

If he said anything not supportive about our beautiful baby,

it would wreck me.

Brian, my parents sleep under a painting of Jesus,

and I still told them I got preggers and gave it to a gay couple.

- Wow. - You see, Ava's brave enough

to tell the religious freaks who raised her.

Sorry, gals, I'm fine with Sutton meeting her grandfather

when she turns 18, if he's still alive.

Brian, you know the Derek special that makes you feel so good?

- Yeah, I love that. - Yeah.

He's got a reverse special.

It makes you feel the opposite.

- Babe? - Yeah?

Brian didn't tell his dad he had a baby yet.

Oh, Brian.

So disappointing.

I'm sorry, Dad.

- What? - Derek.

I'm sorry, Derek.

I see you, J.

I kind of got into watching MMA a few years ago with my friend Tia.

We actually used to crack up at the names of all the moves.

There's the Superman Punch, the Spinning Back Fist,

the Rear Naked Choke.

Actually, I did two of those with my boyfriend last night.

Jorge, you're looking good.

Yeah, we're almost even now.

No.

- What was that? - Nothing.

Hey, guys, this is Maya.

Maya, I want you to meet some of the freaks in my life.

- Hi. - Hi.

Alice. Freak?

- You fight these guys? - Yeah.

Sean's not allowed to hit back,

but I've beat the crap out of Jorge a couple of times.

Uncool.