Fletch Lives

Los Angeles late at night is pretty much like any big American city late at night.

At 2.00 am people are either making a mess or cleaning it up.

Tonight's my night to do the cleaning up. My name, most of the time, is Irwin Fletcher.

I write under the name of Jane Doe. That's the kind of gal I am.

This Greek seafood house is part of a successful chain.

But, believe me, it's not because of the food.

- 113,000 from basketball. - List it as codfish.

120,000 from the Gonzalez fight.

That includes 60 from our chain in the Valley.

Twenty from Long Beach. 120 total.

Put that under halibut.

- 180,000 from the track. - Scrod.

We already got over two million in scrod this month?

Scrod's making a comeback, all right?

How are you listing my stake?

- Breakage. - $75,000 worth of breakage?

We're Greeks! We dance, we break plates, we're clumsy!

Boys, boys, stop it. We gotta be cross town in 30 minutes.

- You wanna wash up? - Naw.

My wife gets suspicious if I don't smell like fish.

Al got it. You get the lights.

- Where's Poppa? - In the back.

Tell him to snap it up I'll meet him in the car.

- Phil, I'll drop you first. - You better.

- Hi. - What's your name, little lady?

My name? Peggy Lee... Zorba. Peggy Lee Zorba.

- You're cute! - Do you mind if I freshen up a bit?

- Splash a little water on my face. - Whatever makes you feel sexy.

Okay.

Just wait outside. I'll be right out.

What the hell was that?

- If it's a cop, kill him. - Hi. Mary Poppins!

If it's a reporter, cripple him.

- You're never driving again! - I just did what you told me to do.

- There's a new thing called brakes! - Shut up!

Good. Brilliant as usual, Fletch. We'll run it in the next edition.

- Great. See you in two weeks. - Er, Fletch, there's...

"Er, Fletch"? Frank, I see a double-cross in your eyes.

You promised me a vacation, and I'll take it.

- Right after the sewer story. - What? You can't do this to me.

I spent eight nights on my knees dressed like Dolly Parton at a funeral.

I got felt up. I got dishpan hands and sore knees!

Three guys tried to kill me. Do you give a crap?

- You promised me a vacation! - You'll get one.

- After the sewer system exposé. - You owe me a vacation!

- In July. - That's two months.

A great reporter knows the facts.

By the way, the news computer disallowed your undocumented expenses.

- It'll come out of this week's pay. - You can't do that.

There's nothing I can do about it. It's all done automatically.

On top of everything else, I think I'm getting my period.

No wonder I got a fumigation alert. How'd you get in here?

The window was open.

I knocked, and I could swear I heard you say, "Come in".

You know how to cover your ass, Gillet. Although those pants are a mistake.

You owe me $4,381 in back alimony.

What? I was married to you?

You're right. I've been foolishly squandering my salary on food and heat.

You have one week to comply with Judge Proctor's orders.

Payment in full. Otherwise you go to jail.

Wendy doesn't need the money.

I hear she's been banging some balding, wimpy lawyer who can't get it up.

- May I see that? - Be my guest.

Nice briefcase. Couldn't guess your weight?

Oh! I'm sorry. I got it.

Never mind, I'll take care of it.

Look at this. A note from the Oakwood Potency Clinic.

"Sorry to inform you, we cannot process sperm counts as low as yours."

- Here we are. What about this? - Be careful!

Uh-oh! I am terribly sorry!

- You did that intentionally. - I did not.

- That was good juice too. - Leave it alone.

- I got an idea. My mistake. - Where are you going?

My mess. I'll clean it up.

- What are you doing? - What's this?

You are damaging personal property and I'm gonna...

The ink is running. I didn't expect that.

There we are! Clean as a whistle.

- Thanks for coming by, Marvin. - Expect to hear from my lawyer.

Oh, Gillet, one more thing. Come back here. It's very important.

They do a thing now where they make an incision and push the hair together.

Or try a transplant. Maybe the hair from your ass. Might make you smarter. Bye.

Betty, how 'bout lunch at the In-N-Out Burger?

I'm not hungry.

Forget the burger. How about just the "In and Out"?

Very well. How about just the "in"?

Fletch, answer your phone.

In-N-Out Burger. May I take your order, please?

Mr. Fletcher? This is Amanda Ray Ross. I represented your Aunt Belle Fletcher.

Good ol' Aunt Belle. How the hell is she?

- She's deceased, Mr. Fletcher. - I guess she could be better.

You're hard to find.

I was touring with the Stones. How can I help?

- Didn't you get my message? - No.

I'm the executor of your aunt's will.

You are the major beneficiary of your aunt's estate, Belle Isle.

About this expense. $58 for leg waxing? That's bullshit.

Yeah, but feel how smooth they are.

It consists of 80 acres of old plantation.

- Wait. Did you say plantation? - Yes, indeed.

- She left it to me? - According to her will.

- Can I get back to you? - Hair by Ziggy? Who's Ziggy?

5-0-4... Shut up, Frank. Yeah. I'll get right back to you.

Can't we return some of it? What about the lingerie?

- I ate it. - Be serious for one minute.

I quit.

I'm not unreasonable about legitimate expenses.

- Now, the sewer story... - I quit, Frank.

I'm gonna advance you for the hip boots and wet suit.

Frank, I'm really quitting.

Fletch, look, I got a little A-frame up at Arrowhead.

Why don't you go there, take a couple of weeks, relax?

I'm really gonna miss you.

Maybe that's an overstatement.

Treat this as good news. You can write my Jane Doe column.

You're not gonna quit. I'll tell you why.

- Why? - You have journalistic integrity.

Yeah.

And you have a sense of loyalty. You'll never give up the quest for truth.

You're right.

I can't abandon the principles that nurtured me lo these many years.

Wrap them up with the shit on my desk and ship them to my Louisiana mansion.

Bye.

What happened?

My husband said I was crazy to go 2,000 miles to have my nose done.

That's an interesting watch. Is it a prize of some sort?

- No. - It certainly looks like one.

It's a championship Laker watch.

Oh! Are you a Laker?

I used to date one. Only thing I have to remember him by.

Lord, what was that?

We just clipped a Piper Cub. The pilot's okay. I just saw him parachuting.

I love a man with a sense of humor. What did you say your name was?

Nostradamus.

I'm Cindy Mae Sample.

Nostradamus... I love the Fightin' Irish.

Lord, I hate to fly. I wish I was gettin' off in Thibodaux like you.

It's two more stops to Selma. All those ups and downs and ups and downs.

You should try holding your breath. Sometimes that works.

Belle Isle...

Belle Isle...

Thank you, Betty Lee.

Look, Colonel, the folks have come to serenade you.

- They love you so much. - And I love them too.

Give me that, boy!

- Thank you, sir. - Quiet down.

- Uncle Frank? - Yes, sir?

Yes, sir?

- You know my favorite tune. - Sure do, Colonel.

Would you mind if I sat in your lap, Colonel?

Please do, Betty Lee. Please do.

The field hands would like to dance for you.

Dance for me?

Why, I'll dance for them!

Yes, sir!

You bet!

You made it, Mr. Notre Dame.

Mr. Fletcher.

- Yeah? - I'm Amanda Ray Ross.

- I spoke with you on the phone. - Oh, yes. That was you?

Great.

- Do you have any luggage? - Just one piece.

Plannin' on stayin' long?

Just long enough to see Mount Rushmore and squeeze in a little ice fishing.

I'm on the board of the Pontchartrain Society.

We help preserve and restore some of these lovely mansions.

We headed to Belle Isle?

- You must be dying to see it, Mr. Fletcher. - Call me Fletch.

Your house is not as grand as some others in the neighborhood.

It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts. Eighty acres?

Isn't it strikin'?

Your aunt tried to keep things in their natural state.

She ever brush her hair?

- I can see you're disappointed. - No, not at all!

A little spackling and some napalm, this place would make a nice mausoleum.

- That's nice... - Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Oh! I was aimin' to fix that today. How do you do?

I be Calculus Entterby. You be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?

I be Fletch. Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.

Pleased, I'm sure. Your Aunt Belle told me you'd be takin' over the place...

and I'm extendin' my "condulations".

Right. You work here?

Your Aunt Belle and I, we had an arrangement.

And I was hopin' we could make an extenuation of it.

Help me get your stuff out the car here. Come on.

You mind your step.

Our families go back hundreds of years.

Your great grandparents owned my great grandparents. That's how it all started.

Ever hear of the Emancipation Proclamation?

I heard somethin' about it, but I don't recall exactly.

It didn't get much publicity around these parts.

- I'll bet. - Excuse me, sir.

Could you give me a hand?

Just pull it towards you. Just pull it.

Come on, come on. Just pull it. Just pull it on over. That's it.

Don't scar the car.

Is there any electricity or gas?

- Everything works. - No cable TV, I guess?

If I'd known, I'd have straightened out a bit and stocked your refrigerator.

- No food? - No refrigerator.