Letters from a Nut

- -Please. No, please.

Please. They didn't tell me an audience was coming,

so that changes quite a bit.

But anyway, thank you so much for coming to this...

to this nonsense. I am Ted L. Nancy.

And I appreciate it. And I'd like to tell you

a little bit about how all this started,

how I got into writing these letters

and getting these responses, kind of an interesting story.

So let me just make my way out here now.

Walking, dead man walking.

And... now I am here.

Uh, true story. Like, I said, kind of interesting,

it was about 20 years ago and I'm sitting in my room,

it's about four o'clock in the morning.

And I was sitting in my room with my lady friend Phyllis.

And she was watching TV, kind of half listening to me,

and I was sitting in another chair,

mindlessly eating a bag of Fritos,

you know how you kinda just shovel snacks in

and stuff like that?

I shouldn't be eating Fritos then

and I shouldn't be eating Fritos now

because I've had a weight problem my whole life

and it's-- I cannot lose any weight.

And I think I've built myself into the body

of a small pot roast is what...

There's...

Terrible dieter. Constant yo-yo dieting.

I just went on one diet. I had to go on two diets

at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food.

Listen, I know I'm not a Chippendale dancer.

Those days are over.

More like a Chip Ahoy dancer.

Easy, easy now.

Uh, terrible exerciser. I spent two hours at the gym

this morning, I finally found parking.

That gym is called Dead Man Working Out.

My idea of a good workout is I like to strap myself

onto another person while they're exercising.

Anyway, so I'm eating these Fritos

and I notice on the side of the bag of the Fritos,

you know, they have like a little message.

It said, "You got any problems? Any issues?

Write Fritos with your issues We wanna hear from you."

Who needs to write Fritos? You know, you got issues?

Go to a therapist. You know?

You don't wanna unload on a corn chip company with...

with your problems, you know.

And Phyllis is going, "Uh-huh. Yeah." Kind of half listening.

And I go, "What would you say to Fritos?"

I'm talking out loud. I go,

"Would you act like you're a moron

and you don't understand what a Frito is?"

You can't understand the concept of what they're--

"I have no idea what you're doing here. What is this?"

And you explain the product. "I opened your product,

this Frito thing that you have,

and they were all stale and they were crunchy

and they were hard and I got orange dust all over me

and I had to throw the whole...

I had... I had to throw the whole thing away.

It was stale."

And I said, "Who would write Fritos?"

And Phyllis goes, "A nut, that's who would write Fritos."

Then the next day I'm in the 99 cent store

buying some Bon Ami cleanser.

Because I only like cleanser from 1920.

And I see the same kind of message.

It says, "You got any problems? Any issues? Write Bon Ami.

We wanna hear from you." And it's stamped

Gordon Brukar the V. But I'm looking at the stamp

and it could be-- it was smudgy.

It could be Brukar the IV. I'm studying the stamp, you know?

And maybe that's Gordon Brukar the III.

And I'm building this whole fantasy of Gordon Brukar

in my head, is there five Gordon Brukars?

They're selling cleanser? Is there one Gordon Brukar?

Have I stumbled on a Gordon Brukar nest?

What is going on here?

What would I say to him? I wanna write to this man.

I wanna get into Gordon Brukar's life.

Would I tell him my Fritos issues?

What would I say to him?

Then I started noticing it, like, calling to me,

like, you know, all these companies wanted you

to write to them and they wanted you to reach out

and answer them. I get my gas bill.

And the gas bill says, "Hey, you got any problems?

You wanna write to us? Tell us what you think

of our gas pamphlets." And I go, "Well, you know,

I collect the gas pamphlets and I'm missing

the complete set from 1988.

With all of your gas all-stars."

So I thought, you know what? I'm gonna write to these people

'cause they wanna hear from me. And why not?

I've got 23 hours a day to kill.

Why not write to these people? They wanna hear from me.

That's the sick thing I had going in my head,

that they wanted to hear from me.

Nobody really wants to hear from me.

So with your kind indulgence, I would like to now

read to you Letters From a Nut.

- -

Did he mention these were real?

So here's one I wrote to a deodorant company.

I think you'll enjoy it.

Started it off with, "Ted L. Nancy.

560 North Moorpark Road. Apartment 236.

Thousand Oaks, California. 91360.

Dear Degree Deodorant. I have been using your product

for some time.

My underarms are finally back to normal.

All paperwork is complete.

I have used your deodorant for everyday functions,

as well as special events, like at a buffet.

My question: on your deodorant it says, "Keeps your underarms

cool and dry.' And then I bought a package of Parmesan cheese,

and it says, 'Store in a cool, dry place.'

What gives? Should I store my Parmesan cheese under my arms?

Would it be safe to spray deodorant on my cheese?

What can I eat? Hungry. Send me a picture

of your deodorant for my wall. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."

"Dear Mr. Nancy. It was thoughtful of you to let us

hear your comments about Degree.

Comments such as yours are certainly gratifying,

and most welcome.

As a token of our appreciation,

I am enclosing a coupon for your use.

Sincerely, Degree Deodorant consumer representative."

"Dear Akron Summa City Hospital,

I have a problem. I was in a coma for five years...

and when I woke up, I found out my wife had left me

for another man in a coma.

I need my records.

My doctor's name is Dr. Jhabardi Del Fudgio.

I think he is Ghananese. He has a freckle.

Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."

"Dear Mr. Nancy,

we have no patient treated with the name Ted L. Nancy.

Nor do we have a Dr. Del Fudgio.

Perhaps you have the wrong facility.

Respectfully, Akron Summa City Hospital."

"Dear Nordstrom's department store,

I am a regular shopper at your store in Glendale.

In the last few weeks, I have noticed

that a new mannequin you have out in the store

looks just like my deceased neighbor.

I have passed this mannequin from many directions

and the resemblance is uncanny:

nose, cheekbones, hair, even down to the windbreaker jacket

my neighbor would wear.

Is it possible to buy...

is it possible to buy this mannequin

so I may present it to my neighbor's family...

to help with the grieving?

I think having him there

would be good therapeutic behavior for all.

This family is in need of some good loving.

Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."

"Dear Mr. Nancy, yours is one of the most interesting requests

I have ever received.

Candidly, I can't imagine any family who has lost a loved one

wanting to see a mannequin that resembles that person.

Of course, we want to respond to our customers as positively

as possible, so I see no reason why,

when it comes time for a change of mannequins,

that we wouldn't sell it to you at the same price

we would get from our normal resources.

Simply talk to our store manager there at Glendale

and she will let you know when the time comes.

Sincerely, Bruce A. Nordstrom.

Reginald Perse, corporate display manager."

Reginald Perse.

Nordstrom's immediately followed with a second letter.

-They were on this. - Dear Mr. Nancy,

your letter was forwarded to me by Mr. Bruce Nordstrom

and I am aware of your request for a particular mannequin

resembling a deceased friend.

After reading your letter, I was somewhat perplexed

as to which mannequin you were talking about,

as our store does not use male mannequins in our display area.

I would be more than happy to work with you

once we are able to isolate which mannequin this could be.

Sincerely, Store Manager.

Reginald Perse, corporate display manager."

- Reginald Perse. - Oh, my God!

Dear Nordstrom's, thank you for your help.

However, there's been a new development.

We were hoping to buy your mannequin

so my neighbor could take it to the Olive Garden

and maybe Six Flags Magic Mountain and go on some rides...

to help with the grieving. This family needs this.

However, on another visit to your store,

my neighbor had her eye on a different mannequin

in the camping department.

This is a younger mannequin, better built, taller,

no windbreaker, muscle shirt.

I named it Carlo for her."