Step by Step

Hey, Barky.

How you doing? You feeling okay?

Your nose is cold. That's a good sign.

Hey, check it out.

I just met the perfect guy for you.

His name is Rex. He's a Rottweiler.

Yeah, he fetches, he rolls over, he's completely housebroken.

More than I can say for you.

Nice shot, Barky. I love woofing around with you.

I gotta get something to eat.

-Why not? -'Cause Mom and Frank are still playing Monopoly

with her new business partner.

You mean the crazy French hairdresser guy?

Dad must be going out of his mind.

And now, François, it is your turn.

But before you roll the dice,

you must ask yourself this question,

Or as you might say,

"Geez, do I feel lucky?"

Because I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

happen to own every hotel on the board.

And this roll, my friend, could be your last.

Well, I'll tell you what, Jean-Luc,

we have played Monopoly every night this week,

so if this isn't my last roll,

I'm gonna shoot myself in the head with this little cannon.

A five.

You land on Boardwalk,

and with this cinq, you are sunk.

I am the winner. Give me all of your money.

And you, too, Pippi Longstocking.

I will shower in your money.

-I'm the winner! -Yes, you are.

You are the winner, Jean-Luc.

And that makes Carol and I just a couple of losers,

and I don't blame ya for wanting to get rid of us.

No, I don't want to. I want to come back and play.

No, no, Jean-Luc, game's over. Gotta wrap it up for the night.

So what's going on in there?

I think Dad's about to go postal on him.

Maybe just a little bit--

I've had jock itch that was easier to get rid of than him.

Yes, yes, I found it. The last ice cream sandwich.

That's Daddy's ice cream, J.T.

If you eat it, he'll be mad.

Not if he doesn't find out.

And Lilly wouldn't tell on her best big brother now, would she?

That depends.

All right, here's a buck.

Thanks, sucker.

All right, people, gonna need this kitchen

-and I want some privacy. -What for, Barky?

We've seen you take a flea bath before.

I have signed up to be a college tutor,

and my first student is coming here this afternoon.

Great. Just what we need.

Another dimwit.

Not everybody who needs a tutor is a dimwit.

Even Einstein had trouble in school.

Ha-ha. You never know, I could be tutoring the next Einstein.

Hi, I'm here to be tutored.

Hey, I like your new student. Nice shades, bro.

Let's see 'em.

- Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. - Hey.

-Whoo! -Boing!

Dana, you know that whole Einstein thing?

Nope, I'm not seeing it.

I cannot believe I am stuck with you.

Isn't she cute?

All right, look, Dane.

We'll make this as painless as possible, okay?

Why don't you write me a paper on Shakespeare,

make it about a B-minus, around there,

and I'll be outside shooting hoops?

Look, you diluted little Smurf.

This is not Homework-R-Us.

Now sit down and get writing.

Dana.

I love it when you're rough with me.

This mean if I get a bad grade you'll spank me?

I'd rather chew off my own foot.

So, Dana's gonna be your new tutor?

Good luck.

Frank, this is so romantic.

I'm so glad we decided to get away for the weekend.

Me, too, and it's just the two of us.

No Jean-Luc.

And other than this very expensive bottle of champagne

that I bought for us,

there ain't a French thing within 100 miles.

So...

here's to our romantic weekend...

alone.

Happy to see you. Bonjour.

Jean-Luc, what are you doing here?

Well, it's an emergency.

When I heard that you were coming to a spa,

I thought to myself, "La, la, the chlorine in the hot tub

is going to strip their hair of five essential 'emuliants.'"

That's why I develop

Jean-Luc's Emergency Hair Care 9-1-1,

when beauty is a matter of life and death.

I brought some today to share with my friends.

It's very easy to use.

You just put it on the trouble spots,

let it seep into the follicle,

wait, and then rinse.

Also, for you, François,

I brought Monsieur Gray-away.

How you use it,

you put it liberally on the head,

and you just run it through with your fingers,

you can spike it a little if you want,

and then just get on with your active lifestyle.

I don't have an active lifestyle.

I've got you.

La, la, is that champagne? I love champagne.

Even cheap champagne like this one.

Don't go away.

I'm going to go swimming for a glass.

Honey, you think anybody would notice if I drowned him?

I mean, it's not like he's an American.

I know, I know we've gotta talk to him,

but let me handle it, okay?

Because he's just going through this nasty divorce,

and he's real vulnerable right now.

And voila.

Mes amis,

I am so super pumped about the weekend together.

We can get a scrub with the salt.

We can get a wrap with the seaweed.

And to top it off, we can all get the deep tissue massage.

Sort of a massage à trois.

Funny, funny things...

Jean-Luc.

You-you see, the thing is...

I mean, what I am trying to say to you is...

Buzz off.

-Buzz off? -What Frank means is...

Jean-Luc, Frank and I need some privacy.

I hope you understand.

I understand.

I am not hurt.

I am not stabbed through the heart.

No, people who have someone that loves them

and-and cares about them,

they need-- they need time alone.

So, au revoir, mes amis.

I'm out of here like poo-poo through a goose.

All right, time's up.

Hand it over.

"Nachos rule"?

Well, we have been working a long time

and I am kinda hungry.

if you weren't undressing me with your eyes all the time.

You wish!

Yeah.

I have better things to do with my time

than to fantasize about "Frosty the Ice Queen."

You're nothing but a drooling, illiterate imbecile.

Hey, it's better than being

a stuck-up, man-hating know-it-all.

Yeah?

Here's an idea.

and hop a train back to Munchkinland?

Yeah? Well, I got a better idea.

Yeah, that's pretty good for somebody who has the IQ of a potato.

Better than having the sex appeal of a potato.

-You make me sick. -You make me sicker.

-I hate you. -Are you as hot as I am?

Hotter.

My God, I lost my mind.

Me, too. It was, a big mistake.

So, you wanna go out?

Get real, okay?

We had one little moment of demented passion.

That doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out on an actual date with you.

Why not?

Because you are a mentally challenged,

uncultured fool.

Well, you're not exactly my dream babe either, right?

I mean, you never smile, you think all men are scum.

It's like you're some sort of feminist Nazi.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You ever have a Nazi kiss you like this?

I'll, take that as a yes for our date.

All right.

But no one must know about this.