Allswell in New York

["Feel Like Singing" by Sandy B playing]

Oh!

You didn't get my text-- uh, my messages?

Oh, uh-- No! I-- I couldn't find parking.

I'm around the corner. Um, East Broadway.

Uh, by a red awning.

"Julie Jai Fang." Oh, I see you!

Ah! It's so good to finally see you in person.

Oh, my God, you're so beautiful.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this okay?

You must be tired. Here, let me take this.

How was your trip?

It was okay.

How you feeling?

-I'm okay. -Are you tired?

Oh, you must be hungry.

I know you know we got the best bagels.

Pizzas, too. But not all pizzas are equal.

Just because you're in New York don't mean that you can get pizza anywhere.

Those days are over.

Here. I just had one. They're delicious.

I put more apple in yours so it's sweeter.

I bought some basics, but we can go to the supermarket

and pick up whatever you really like.

I usually keep my refrigerator empty.

What do you normally listen to?

- -Hmm?

I got you this pillow. My girlfriend swears by it.

It supports your back-- Oh! You wanna get a foot massage?

Oh, my God. Let's get foot massages.

You like foot massages?

Do you have any new partners since we last spoke?

No.

And you're still with...

Yeah.

In November, we treated you for chlamydia.

In March, we treated you for gonorrhea.

And you've been with the one partner this whole time?

Now...

math was never my strong suit,

but it seems like there's a pattern here.

If he's gonna step out on you, the least he could do is use protection.

-Sometimes he do. -Sometimes ain't enough.

He's exposing you.

You deserve better than that.

But the good news is, you're using long-term birth control.

You've taken control of your fertility, and that's awesome.

Mmm? Hmm?

Hmm? Mm-hmm. So if you get pregnant,

it ain't gonna be "Oh, shit." It's gonna be "Hell yeah."

Am I right?

But we still got this elephant in the room

that keeps giving you venereal diseases.

Yes, I called your man an elephant.

All right, now, you know the drill.

We're gonna collect urine and give you an HIV test.

- -

Keep the bubbles to a steady roll.

Not too big, not too small.

Like this?

Make sure the onset of the E

is synchronous with, it goes with the blow.

So it's-- it's not...

Or...

But...

That's it.

That's it, that's it. Soft palate open.

Excuse me just one minute.

Where the fuck have you been?

-Out. -Out. For two days?

I thought you might be dead.

I texted you that I was staying out.

What happened to calling?

Give me my car keys.

- -Now!

-My phone died. -Your phone died.

On what day, and in what country are there no chargers?

There's a charger in the fucking car!

Sorry about that. Kids, you know?

Here we are! Let me show you the best part.

I'm on the list for a two-bedroom,

but for now I've set it up for the baby.

Come on, let me show you.

And this is you.

Here's the linens. Backup toiletries are over here.

And if you close the blinds, it gets really dark in here.

I don't know about you, but I am really sensitive to light,

so I like to keep my bedroom like a cave.

Is there anything you wanna ask me?

What's the Wi-Fi?

This heifer shows up 20 minutes late,

can see the lobby is packed full of patients

whose vitals I did a half hour ago,

and proceeds to sit in her office and eat her stinky salad

for a diet that clearly is not working.

-You need to stop. -Mmm!

And while she's eating said stinky salad, making everybody wait,

she proceeds to show me pictures for the hundredth time.

Don't nobody wanna see your fucking wedding pictures from your fucking wedding in Tulum.

-Hey, Ida. - Dr. Caffrey!

Good afternoon, Doctor.

I just got the pictures back.

-I was just telling Ida how gorgeous they were. -Let me see!

-They are beautiful! -Mmm.

Oh! Sorry I couldn't make it.

You were missed.

Are we running low on rapid tests?

I noticed that.

Huh. Have Edwin order some more.

-Will do. -Aww!

Enjoy your lunch.

-She invited you? -Have you been in my fridge?

-Why didn't you go? -I don't do weddings.

You can't be taking my supplies.

There are people who don't feel comfortable coming in here for our services.

-I'm aware. -So I take our services to them.

Like we used to when we had a mobile clinic.

It's not like I'm selling them.

We shouldn't be having this conversation. You need to stop.

Constance?

- What? -Don't play with me, Constance. Open the goddamn door.

Show me your transcript.

-What? -Now.

I don't have it.

Pull it up on your computer.

That's not how it works.

We had a deal. Do I need to piss test you?

I don't know. Does weed show up? 'Cause it's legal now.

What about Molly?

I'm not going through this with you again.

I'm fine.

Where were you?

-Working. -Yeah, working? Yeah, where?

More modeling? Are you moving up in the world?

This is why I don't tell you shit.

In 36 hours, you post nonstop pictures of your ass in dental floss,

-but you can't call me back? -Are you body shaming me?

Keep on doing what you're doing, Einstein.

You're gonna end up wrapped in a rug in the middle of a fucking meridian on a thruway,

and nobody's gonna give a shit about you except for me.

You should get that in a greeting card.

Yeah. How lucrative is it selling your ass these days?

-Better than it was in yours! -I never.

The only reason why anyone ever let you sing was because you were half-naked.

-I had talent. -Please!

You were selling your ass and tits, too.

-Not the same. -I've seen the videos.

That's some real talent right there.

Do you really need these men's validation?

Do you? 'Cause clearly you're the expert.

Um, Codependent No More.

-Yeah, how's that going, huh? -Stop it.

-Stop it! -Getting To "I Do."

-You know what? -Where's the ring, ma?

The Truth About Men Will Set You Free.

-You're being cruel. -Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It must really bother you that men don't even look at you anymore.

-This isn't about me. -You might wanna ask yourself why you're still alone

instead of wasting your life tormenting me.

You are fucking pathetic.

Hello?

Pero yo no te-- Oh, okay.

-Go ahead-- What? - I was just gonna call you.

- Hey, mama. -

This is getting so real!

-I know! - How's the girl?

Not the most talkative.

I'm sure you talked enough for the both of you.

-Fuck off. - I gotta run.

I have a date with an anesthesiologist from Beth Israel.

-Who? -Yeah, who?

You don't know him!

You worried about things missing from your fridge? Phew!

You should see the party favors these guys walk off with.

-No party favors. - Okay! See you soon.

-Can't wait. -You're scaring me.

Bye! Love you. Mean it.

Sorry. Remind me again. This is the Craigslist girl?

-Her name's Nina. -Nina, yeah.

Do you have anything in writing? Anything legally binding?

-Not yet. -Okay. Do you know anything about her?

I got about two good eggs left in me, and I'm single, so.

Okay, understood. Um...

...have you heard from Desmond?

Desmond? Why are you bringing him up?