Cougar Town

Jules, I have been chosen by the group to talk to you.

You look insane. It's time to take that thing off.

I am never taking this off,

And before you judge me, touch it. Hmm?

I dare you. I dare all of you.

ooh.

You're saying that deep down every guy is a little bit gay?

It's science. To prove it, you just have to set a gay trap.

A what? Hey, andy, what's the name of that bette midler song

That she sings in "beaches"? "wind beneath my wings."

A gay trap. You're a little gay.

But I know how to turn it off when it counts, right, babe?

Sometimes. Sometimes in bed he calls me "champ." one of my best guy friends, neil goldman,

Taught me about gay aps in high school.

I always had a lot of guy friends. No, you always had a lot of guys hanging around,

Hoping they'd eventually get a chance to nail you.

Guys aren't really friends with girls.

That is such a cliché.

Right, because clichés about men and women aren't based in truth.

Great point, champ!

That was a bad moment for me.

Well, I have tons of guy friends. See?

Have you slept with any of them? Yeah, I've slept with all of them, but only as friends.

Jules, tiny eyes is right. I have tiny eyes?

When andy and I first met,

We were in the same circle of friends, but basically

It was just a doink chain that I worked my way around. And guess who she got to last? Ow.

I don't have tiny eyes.

You do, brother. You're like a ferret.

Did you guys join a cult? Feel it.

You're all wrong. Last night on the news,

There was a bear and kitten, and they were best friends.

If they can do it, so can men and women. Mm-hmm. How'd that story end?

The bear killed the kitten...

After getting too frisky with it. All right. Ohh.

Cool t-shirt.

That's almost purple. What color do you call that?

Fuchsia. Gay trap! You're a little gay. (chuckles)

So uncool to gay trap your own son.

Aw, it's just a game. Come on.

It's like that one where you act out movie titles... Charades?

Double gay trap! (laughs)

I'm not a huge fan of this game, but it is better than hand fart.

Is it? good... God.

So my buddy carl bailed on our fishing trip to georgia.

Do you wanna come? Why don't you take andy?

Naw, andy can't go. You know, he's busy

With work and the baby and whnot, so...

Hey, he never answered me. He answered without answering.

Well, that's just confusing. I'll go fishing with you.

oh, I don't know, trav.

You know, we'll be sleeping outside

And brushing our teeth with pinecones.

It's kind of a man trip. Well, I am insulted, but we'll get back to that.

Why can't you just bring a toothbrush? Same reason why I'm not bringing my cholesterol medicine.

I'm on vacation.

Morning, intruders. Mm.

Where's ellie? She's still in bed.

She took one of her sleeping pills last night,

But she hates losing ntrol, so she always fights it.

For god sake, just go to sleep.

You go to sleep. I'm not tired.

Sometimes she gets horny, and we hit it...

But it feels wrong, 'cause she never remembers it.

All right. What's up?

Not being able to go fishing with bobby made me realize

That I'm always either at work or with the family.

I never have anyime for just me. You should probably tweet about your feelings.

Seriously, look at my face.

You see how I can't hide w bored I am by your problems? Totally.

Yeah, okay, well, when you tweet it,

It goes out into the universe to all these celess people,

And you can pretend that they'r. Well, that's deep. You should tweet that.

"way ahead of you, I told him."

You just need to sha things up a bit.

You know, when I get into a rut, I whip out my naughty underwear.

It makes me feel sexy... Until about 4:00,

When I realize no one's ever gonna see it. The only time I have for just me is my drive to and from work.

How am I supposed to shake that up?

Oh, god! This is so good! Ohh! (laughs) ohh!

So that's andy's orgasm face? Hmm.

I convinced andy to buy laurie's old motorcycle.

Oh, and I almost forgot, you're a jerk.

What, are you still mad

About the whole guys and girls befriends thing? Well, it's like saying that we aren't even real friends.

I just meant that...

Men and women can't be friends without a sexual undercurrent.

Look, we find each other attractive.

We're flirty. That's our dynamic.

we are so not.

But we would never act on it,

Because we both know it would end in disaster,

So we became "friends

No, we became "friends," because-

No, wait. I don't want to use the air quotes.

We became "friends"...

Oh, forget it.

Hey, jules. Do you want me to water your flowers?

Oh, hey, tom. (chuckles) see? Nice friend.

Oh, yeah. He definitely wants to water your flowers.

no, and gross!

Are the flowers my face?

Ha ha! That was amazing!

You think you're ready to go solo? Wait one second.

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like I asked? (jules and laurie) we did.

Let's do this!

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like I asked? (ju(engine revving, thud).

I'll buy it!

Hey, dad, you know I don't have a fishing pole.

You've got an extra one, right?

Poles? (laughs) we don't need poles.

We're noodling, baby.

Hmm. Do I want to know what that means?

Odling is a special kind of redneck fishing, my friend.

See, you go into a muddy lake, and you find a big hole

Where a catfish is protecting its eggs,

And you catch it by getting it to eat the noodle.

So what'the noodle?

Your arm's the noodle.

Holy gods! What-

Somebody left a motorcycle in our driveway.

Go drive over it, and then find out who it belongs to.

It's my new hog. I bought it from laurie.

How could you do that without asking me?

I- I asked you last night.

Can I get a motorcycle? I like turtles.

You look good. Get naked.

Fine.

That doesn't count.

Whose stupid idea was it to buy a motorcycle?

Okay, that's the ellie alarm.

Come on, guys. Quick! Travis, go lock the back door.

Bobby, get the front. This is not a drill!

Do it like we practiced. (sighs) aah! (horror film theme plays)

What? I thought it was funnier with the knife. (exhales deeply)

So who gave you permission to give andy permission

To buy a motorcycle? I'm sorry. It's just that he was wearing his blumfy,

And he looked so sad. I'll only ride it to work.

Only to work, ellie. And I'll walk it through all the intersections,

'cause I'm not great at turning yet. Do you know what doctors call people who drive motorcycles?

Modern day cowboys? Sexy rebels?

Popular? Organ donors. It's not happening.

Jules, I'm about to behave childishly.

I'd appreciate it if you'd turn around. No problem.

Ah, prepare to be proven wrong.

Sounds fun. About what?

We're searching through jules's old guy friends,

Trying to find one who didn't want to sleep with her. Oh, hi, gil. This is-

Yeah, jules. (laughs)

Wow, I can't believe you recognized my voice.

I haven't talked to you since junior high.

Oh, you've been following me. Sweet.

How? Like, in the paper or online?

Oh, just regular following.

Well, bye, gil.

what a kook, huh?

No gloating. Status report, laurie?

Uh... Your friend bob-

You know, the one in the wheelchair? Oh, wheelchair bob, yeah

He just e-mailed us back.

He says, "remember beer hockey. L.O.L."

he's such a goof. he sounds like such a goof.

He also said that you should call him,

Because he's regained feeling down there. Oh, shoot!

I mean, good news for bob, but... Shoot!

(insects buzzing, duck quacking in distance)

How great is this? So great.

Let's noodle.

So first things first - we gotta find a good hole. Define "good hole."

Define "good hole" in regards to noodling.

It's a hole with a catfish in it.

Alls you gotta do is just shove your arm down in there.

Is there any skill in this? I got nothin'.

Well, is catfish at least delicious?

Tastes like butt.

Dad, I'm trying, but why would anyone do this?

because...

this is why, baby! Aah! Kill it, kill it, kill it!

Whoo-hoo! (laughs) ohh. This is a big one. God, no! God, no! (lowers voice) bkill it!.

Why do you have to make every decision for me? Because you don't think!

Oh, I don't think? No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, when did this turn into a real fight?

How far into it are we? Being married to you is exhausting!

All right, that's about the midway point.

I say we all just... Calm down. Jules, I know you get scared

When people you care about fight. It makes me lose my breath.

I know, sweetie, but don't try to derail this argument

And put the focus on you. Now you're telling her what to do.

Andy, so help me god,

If you open that churro hole of yours one more time - I had sex in your house.

Right over there. So? We conceived stan on your kitchen island.

I think it's time for you to go.

I just want you guys to be fine...

Or at least closer to fine.

Isn't that a song? Who-who sang that the indigo girls.

Lady gay trap! You're lady gay. (chuckles)

It's probably not the time.

Don't try to make her smile.

I've spent my entire life trying to make her happy,

But she never tries for me!