Dear White People

(OVER MIC) Forty year old Gyrese, you are not the father.

(OVER MIC) This nigger from New York from the olden days,

bumpy son, bumpy.

Pose some secrets that are feeding

Shannon's crystal meth addiction.

Now wait a minute, Kim.

Get the out of my face!

What's wrong with you? What the (BEEPS) is your...

We already know what it is. It's freestyle Friday.

A race war has erupted

at one of the nation 's oldest and most prestigious institutions.

Outrage over an African- American themed party

organized by predominantly white students of Winchester University...

...has resulted in rioting and property damages.

Police were called to disrupt a massive fight that broke out...

...between African-American students and partygoers

just after midnight-To address diversity issues, the school have recently...

...appointed African-American scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks

as dean of students.

Last year the Dean's office celebrated slight...

...gains in diverse applicants

but with many now calling for Fairbanks' resignation

that may have been premature.

School officials released a statement claiming that an investigation...

into those responsible for the party

and subsequent riot is underway.

An invite to the Halloween party

sent via social media

asked guests to liberate their inner Negro,

fry up chicken,

enjoy a cough syrup based concoction known as purple drank...

Dear white people.

The minimum requirement of black friends

needed to not seem racist has just been raised to two.

Sorry, but your weed man Tyrone does not count.

Hey, Kurt, you home?

Hey, you've reached Garmin House, home of Lionel Higgins,

the only bitch on campus who will give you a dickscount.

That's right, hunty, the bigger the dick,

the less you have to pay me to suck it.

Kurt, it's Lionel. I'm locked out.

You know my parents call this line.

All right. Bye.

Dear white people,

apparently Morgan Freeman wasn't enough.

Obama could cure cancer

and somewhere white folks will be embroiled in protest.

And he's only half black.

Talk to me. Hello there.

First time caller, long time listener.

So Sam, how would you feel

- if someone started a Dear Black People? No need.

Mass media from Fox News to reality TV on VH1

makes it clear what white people think of us.

Thanks for calling.

I'm pissed.

The whole point of randomized housing

is to mix shit up.

I'm out here trying to find the Olivier

to my Halle Berry

and they got me out here

looking like an extra on A Different World.

That's not okay. At all.

So your YouTube show, it's called

“Doing Time at an Ivy League?”

In my second year of a four year sentence.

Armstrong-Parker, that's your housing assignment?

Traditionally it's where the hopelessly Afrocentric gather

to process their guilt over not going to an HBCU.

Where the negros be at.

That's not where you wanted to be, right?

Bechet House is more my style.

The rich white kids.

Excuse me?

What part of Chicago are you from? Hyde Park.

What street?

Seventy-eighth and... Seventy-eighth!

That's Southside, sweetheart.

You know what they say.

You can take the girl out of the hood...

There is nothing hood about me.

Thank you for your time.

So, how long will you be on campus for casting?

Let me explain to you the way reality TV works.

I'm the producer. I ask the questions.

We'll be in touch.

Your hair is so cute B.T. Dubs.

Well, you're so cute. Is it weaved?

I saw "Good Hair" in Afro Studies.

So, what house did you get?

Oh, Bechet, bitch. Of course.

The mere thought of a Fletcher anywhere else

Oh, easy.

It was the luck of the draw.

Daddy had nothing to do with it.

Besides, if I had to pick anywhere to be,

it would be here.

Well, I'm down to switch.

You get your Denzel, I get my Gosling.

Oh, I gots mine.

Do you want to meet him?

Cute, for a black boy.

Hey, Boo!

I want you to meet my friend Coco.

She's new to the house.

Hi, I'm Troy.

Welcome to Armstrong-Parker

home of the dopest dining hall in all of Winchester.

Are we on duty?

Babe, Head of House is always on duty.

Well, I should get going.

Thanks, Sof.

Bye. Bye.

So, babe, you think I got time for a quick cut?

You just got it cut last week.

It's a black thing, babe.

Since when is OCD a black thang?

Babe, please don't say “thang” like that.

Besides, you have a shift over at the Politicos booth

and then you have a shift at Orientation

and then your advisor is coming over.

Okay, you know what? I'll just wear a hat.

And then a movie maybe? Just us?

Election night. Babe, come on.

All right.

Yo, Kurt!

My man. All right!

Hey, sis.

Is she kidding with this?

You don't have to run again. Just because it's her doesn't mean...

Babe, I can't let Sam and her wannabe Black Panthers take the house.

The house needs me, who I am.

It's who he wants you to be.

So you take a couple of psych classes and now

all of a sudden, you think you're Freud?

Oh, a Freud reference? Sophisticated.

Okay. Beck, Jung, Maslow.

(OVER MIC) Dear white people, this just in.

Dating a black person to piss off your parents is a form of racism.

Yo, Troy, I forget.

ls your major in shucking or is it jiving?

Well, my major's in Shuck. I'm minoring in Jiving...

Wow, you're still majoring in trying to fuck my leftovers, right?

You need a shower.

You're like Artie, dawg,

your success ratio with the ladies went up like 30%

after I started edging you up, dawg.

Like, come on! You know?

You went from ODB to Trey Songz!

That's his platform? Haircuts?

Oofta is as oofta does.

Yes? Someone else is running?

Just because we're colored don't mean we run on colored people time.

Boycotting hot combs don't make you an expert on colored people, Boo.

I care about each and every single one of you.

I care about this house.

So if it ain't broke...

All right, thank you, Troy Fairbanks.

Is this because of us?

Because we broke up over a year ago. Hm.

You seriously think you can win?

Troy, we live in a world where there's a Big Mama's House 3.

I don't think I have a chance in hell. Thank God.

Troy, my brother, it's broke.

Mm-hm.

Troy is a legacy kid,

and yet it's under his watch,

that Armstrong-Parker,

the bastion of black culture here,

was gutted

by the Randomization of Housing Act.

Now, second years of color

no longer have a say in where they go.

The culture that's been fostered

in this house for two decades

will be wiped out in two years.

This wasn't motivated by a desire to mix things up,

bring about racial and socioeconomic harmony, no.

The black kids are sitting together

in the proverbial cafeteria

so they must be up to no good. Yeah! Mm-hm.

Over a century of houses grouped by sports affiliations,

political leanings, majors, you name it.

Black kids get their own house

and suddenly we got a problem?

This doesn't effect the other houses like it does ours.

There are plenty of trustees, former coaches,

presidents watching out for the others

but all we have is a dean who would rather please his massa

Yo, that's enough of that, Sam! then stand up for his own!

Yes! Tell him! Yes!

I know y'all ain't gonna vote for me.

Y'all ain't ready.

The Black Student Union and I have brought a petition

to repeal the Randomization of Housing Act.

I plan on bringing it to the President and together

we can bring black back to Winchester.

Yes!

It'll be by the door.