13 Sins

And last but not least, to Susan "The Steamroller" Purtree

for putting this all together.

And now, finally, at long last, as some of you may be saying,

it is my honor, my privilege, my personal pleasure

to present to you the man of every hour,

University of Perth's own Professor Edgar Solomon.

Hear, hear!

Thank you. Sincerely.

A bear taking a dump

asked a rabbit,

"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"

"Of course not," said the hare,

"It's really quite rare,"

so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

There once was a lady named Dot

who lived off of pig shit and snot.

When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese...

that she grew on the sides...

of her twat.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right? You OK?

- I'm so sorry. - OK.

Edgar? What are you doing?

Oh, my..,!

' Stop! -

- Hands over your head, sir! - Just one moment.

Please, sir, don't reach in yourjacket!

...I'm calling on behalf of AAMQ debt acquisitions

- regarding the balance on your LBF Platinum card... -

-This is an attempt to collect a debt.

If you do not pay your outstanding bill...

...your power will be cut off by noon Friday, July...

Hello? Hi, I'm here. And I might be able to pay you today.

I think I'm about to get some good news.

- I think you're gonna get it. - Stop jinxing it.

- It's unjinxable. You got it. - Stop saying that.

- Too bad. - Just tie my lucky tie.

Senior sales representative.

Honey, when's the last time Kopeckny asked you in for a meeting one on one?

- Never. - So there!

If I get this promotion, we are so going on a honeymoon.

Who needs a honeymoon? After this weekend we'll be married.

You'll ask, "Where's the remote?"

Burl mean like a husband asking his wife where is the remote.

- Thank you. - Hey.

- Yes? - What about the kid?

The kid.

All right. Senior sales representative, here I come!

Sir, I'm just trying to understand.

You're firing me?

I made more sales than ever last month.

And you're still not producing. What does that tell you?

Explain to me what happened yesterday.

- I made the sale. - The woman was interested in the gold plan.

You talked her out of it. You talked her out of the gold plan.

I sold Ms. Palmer a policy that was appropriate to her age and income.

I didn't feel like I should take advantage... of her.

That's what we do here?

- We take advantage of people? - No.

- No, not at all. That's not what I meant. - I got it.

- Sir... - No, I got it. Ida, really.

We shame you. You're too pure for this job.

Please, I cannot lose this job now. Sir...

My brother is mentally disabled, and if I lose this job,

I'm going to lose my insurance. And if I lose my insurance,

I'm not gonna be able to afford his outpatient care

and they're gonna re-institutionalize him.

Sounds like you have a lot of people depending on you.

You got this brother.

You're getting married, having a baby.

Yeah.

You realize the same things that make you a lousy salesman

are gonna fuck you up as a father?

Or a husband, for that matter.

I mean, you're marrying this girl. She's marrying someone

who refuses to get his hands dirty, who lacks the balls

to ever really lay it on the line for her or her child.

If you think I'm being unfair, tell me to go to hell.

Like a man. Hm?

Hm, mm...

Vince... get him out of here.

No, no, no. OK, 'cause...

...they'll send me back to Bayview.

And I can't go back to Bayview.

They lock the doors on you at Bayview.

- I know. - Then you have to say a promise to me

that you promise I don't have to go back there.

Like, "I promise, well, I promise you, Michael,

you don't have to go back there to Bayview."

You have to say that to me. You have to promise me.

OK.

OK. You take the elevator and I'll take the stairs

and I'll meet you like in five seconds!

I know it's only a day away, but is there any way to

move the rehearsal dinner into maybe a smaller room?

The Cypress Room's already our most economical.

There's a number of affordable motor inns all along the highway.

No! It's just, things have come up.

I have to take this.

Hello?

Dad, why didn't you show me this?

I could've at least been looking for a place for you!

What kind of nigger paradise do you think you're going to move me into?

I'm not gonna live among Bantus.

I'm gonna have to move in with you. We both know it.

- Dad. - I know. I'm a blight.

This is why you should have made more money.

You sealed all our fates when you settled on a liberal arts major.

Mythology and Folklore. What the fuck were you thinking?

- If I just had more time. - You had 15 years by my count.

Fifteen years to find something you were good at.

By the time I was your age, I'd amassed a fortune so huge,

it took decades of dedicated self-destruction to wind up like this.

Dad, you know we already have Michael living with us...

- Leave me alone. - And the baby on the way.

My bowels are finally moving. Let me savor these last little victories.

Your father despises me, Elliot.

Shelby, 1 know how hard this is gonna be on everybody.

Then why did you tell him yes?

Ellie, do you remember when Dad would always...

was always saying he was going to have a man from the orphanage to come and get us?

And we never knew why that was going to be a punishment

to get to live away from him. Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember.

Well, that's not even an option anymore.

Do you remember Deborah, who lived across the street, Ellie?

Well, I wonder if she's still alive. She's probably still alive, Ellie.

She wouldn't be that old. She'd maybe be 57 now. That's not that old.

Ellie, can you give me a ride to Joe Burger. I took my pill.

OK?I just... I took my pill already.

Well, I can't go back to Hot Dog Castle right now

'cause things just got very unpleasant there.

OK? Well...

- Don't go faster, Ellie. - I won't.

- Just don't do that. - I won't. I'm not.

Just stay there.

Well, yeah, because he knows that Marisol likes me

and there's sometimes when she is at the counter,

we'll make...

We'll make eyes at each other sometimes.

Is that what people say, to "make eyes at each other"?

- Yeah. - Yeah, to make eyes.

I think that Shelby is like Mom when she was alive,

when she was poor.

You don't think about that, but they were.

Dad didn't make his money until later

and he didn't start to be mean until later. So, yeah.

Bye.

What the fuck?

- Hello? - Mr. Elliot Brindle?

- Yes. - Congratulations.

You have been selected for the opportunity

to take part in a one-of-a-kind game show!

- Uh, look... - Of a long list of candidates in financial need,

you have been chosen to compete for a fantastic cash prize.

I think you may have dialed the wrong number.

Elliot Brindle age 32.

Your mother was killed in a car accident when you were nine.

Ever since, you've felt responsible for your brother,

whose outpatient care cost you $1,200 a month.

Add that to $90,000 in student loans and credit card debt,

- no wonder you have trouble sleeping. - Who is this?

You always mean well, but follow-through has often been a problem.

Like today, you were somehow unable to protect your fiancee

from having a vindictive old racist move in with her.

- What do you want? - You can't honestly even say

you put up much of a fight on that one, can you, Mr. Brindle?

OK, I'm gonna hang up now.

At this moment, you are being defeated by a fly.

Don't be alarmed, Mr. Brindle.

All that matters is the challenge I put before you now.

Swat the fly.

If you kill the fly, $1000 will be instantly credited

to your Nola Bank account number 5366286.

Shit.

If you wish to proceed, we have another challenge for you,

no more complicated than the first. Are you ready?

- Swallow the fly you just killed. - What?

If you eat the fly, $3,622

will be credited to your account,

exactly what Shelby owes on her MasterCard.

That would be a nice wedding gift for her, wouldn't it?

Well done. You have completed challenge two.

$3,622 has been credited to your Nola bank account.

Jesus. You're watching me now?

You can have your privacy back right now, if you like.

But I must tell you, great wealth is within your grasp.

Thirty six hours from now, you can be a very rich man.

All you have to do is complete 13 challenges.

You've already completed two, so only 11 more to go.

Please make sure you are alone, entirely alone,

as I relate to you the rules. There are 11 more challenges.

For each one you complete, the cash prizes will grow in value.

If you complete challenge 13, you will claim a life-changing fortune.

Our last winner took home 6.2 million.

6.2 million dollars?

If you fail to complete the challenge, The Game will end

and you will lose everything,

including any money you have won up to that point.

There are two other ways The Game can end.