Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Hey, Danny.

Good morning, Melissa.

You look lovely today.

Thank you, Danny.

I think he's got a little thing for you.

No, you've got a little thing for her.

I've got a croquet mallet in my pants.

Danny, behave yourself.

Alan, I thought I told you to keep that doll in your room.

Come on.

He's got to feed the broad sometime.

See what I did there?

You're so clever.

How about spaghetti with pesto for dinner tonight?

Oh, boy, with the pine nuts? You got it.

I've got your pine nuts right here.

Danny.

Buy one, get one free.

Okay, Alan, I'm only going to ask you this once.

Has little Miss Muppet moved into my house?

What? No. Huh-uh.

Really?

and still here when I get up.

Well, to be fair, Charlie,

you do have an erratic sleep schedule.

So you're saying I continually miss it when she goes home?

Charlie, you missed Easter last year.

Was that the time I woke up

with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?

Sadly enough, no.

Okay, okay, just so you understand

this is my house and you don't get to invite people to move in.

Why do you keep harping on that?

She is not living here.

I'm just going to throw in a load of laundry

before I go to work.

Sure looks like she is.

I don't know what he's talking about.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Hey, listen, I was thinking.

We've already got a bed.

And you're the one who's always complaining about it.

Oh, I complain about a lot of things.

Like, uh, like automatic flush toilets.

I mean, everything's gone before you get a chance

to turn around and check out how you did.

What the dickens are you talking about?

Let's just leave the furniture the way it is.

I don't want to rock the boat.

How is getting a decent bed

rocking the boat?

And-and no. I mean...

It's still Charlie's house.

But you pay rent? Of course.

I mean, you know, the actual number fluctuates

depending on the economy and whether Charlie's conscious

on the first of the month. But yeah, I pay.

Okay, then you need to start standing up to him.

Oh, please.

I stand up to him plenty. Is that so?

You think he likes unsalted butter?

He does not.

Now you listen to me, Alan Harper.

You are a strong, assertive man.

I know that because I couldn't be with you

if you were anything less.

Oh, well, yeah, I am.

You know, I... I don't want to flaunt

my strong assertiveness by, you know, asking for stuff.

Alan, you need to tell your brother

well, then that is just his tough noogies.

Okay, I will tell him.

Good. But slowly.

In increments.

As I did with the butter.

And how long did that take?

That is not important.

What's important is this is now

a low sodium, heart smart household.

She's living here.

He moved her in right under my nose.

So?

So this is the unsalted butter again,

but, you know, writ large.

"What difference?"

Are you kidding?

First it's him and his stinky kid

and now he's shacking up with Strawberry Shortcake!

He pays rent, doesn't he?

I don't know.

Once, maybe.

He says he did.

So why do you care who he has in his room?

I care because...

There's a principle involved.

"A principle"?

Yes! I made a rule.

Ooh, you made a rule.

Yes, I made a rule.

And I'm making another one.

You do not get to mock my rules.

You're being silly, Charlie.

Melissa is a wonderful girl.

They love each other and she makes him happy.

And I care about that because...?

Because the Charlie Harper that I fell in love with

cares about other people's happiness.

That's the Charlie Harper you fell in love with, huh? Yes.

Well, joke's on you.

That whole nice guy thing was a big act

to get you to have sex with me.

Ha-ha.

I know you'll do the right thing, Charlie.

Oh, you do, huh?

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey. Got a minute?

I'm reading.

Okay, we'll talk later.

MELISSA (muffled): Damn it, Alan, get back out there!

Hey-ho.

What do you want, Alan? Well...

as you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here.

We probably have different definitions of "fair."

And "share."

And "rent," but go on.

I-I-I just don't think I need your permission

when it comes to Melissa living with me.

Well, you're wrong. Nice talking to you.

Charlie.

This is my house.

Not yours, mine.

And the fact is, if Melissa moves in,

that means you've got more people living here than I do.

So?

So there's a principle involved...

...that we must discuss.

Okay, so what's the principle?

The principle is that...

you're my brother and I want you to be happy.

So Melissa can stay?

I mean, move in?

Sure.

Well, all right then.

* Men. *

You know, I was thinking.

You've got me. Alan's got Melissa.

Even Jake's got a girlfriend.

We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot.

Your cat?

Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness?

He can lick his own crotch. What else does he need?

Come on, Charlie.

All right.

How about we get him a nice lady coyote?

Charlie!

What? It'd be good for ol' Lance.

Get a little exercise running for his life.

You're terrible.

Let the machine get it.

(on recording) Hi, this is Alan.

We're not home right now and neither are Charlie and Chelsea.

Well, Charlie might be home, but he's probably

in no condition to answer the phone.

Leave a message when you hear the beep.

Beep!

EVELYN (on machine): Hello, Charlie?

It's your mother.

Remember me?

for roughly seven and a half months.

Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point?

I've long since given up expecting

any kind of consideration...

"Seven and a half months"?

he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators."

Oh, hey, all.

We're home.

: Charlie?

Hi.

Oh, uh, just so you know,

and you guys can take the top and we'll split the door, okay?

That's a great idea.

Be quiet.

I bought it. I paid for it.

Charlie! The whole thing, not just half.

Stop being a child.

a grape soda just because I put it on the wrong shelf!

Mind if we join you guys? Sure.

What are we watching?

An Odd Couple rerun.

Oh, I never really liked that show.

Why not? I don't really buy the premise.

I mean, you know, who in his right mind would put up with somebody