The Bad Education Movie

Who wanted cheese? Joe. Rem Dogg.

- No Nutella? - No Nutella.

Right, bacon?

I'm gonna cry. Justin Bieber signed the visitors' book.

Class K, if you don't shut up, you can wave goodbye to the Heineken factory.

- Was she like Bridget Jones? - No, she was persecuted by the Nazis.

Here you go, Downton Abbey.

Cleo, check it out. I just put some magic mushrooms in Mr Wickers' crepe.

Move, man.

- FML, this line is not cute. - Queue jump?

Rem Dogg, we're not using your wheelchair

to queue barge Hasidic Jews into an Anne Frank exhibition.

Sorry.

Look more ill.

Now, guys, before we go in, please for once can you just be respectful.

Jing... I've found Anne.

That's a waxwork model.

Sir?

Sir?

Are you okay?

Hush, Po, Anne's trying to speak.

She wants to go home.

Call the Police! Stop!

We're gonna make it.

Susan, I think I discussed this in the last meeting.

We are all a little uncomfortable being called to order by a rape alarm.

Our children are not going on another school trip with that clown.

Mr Wickers assures me that this field trip is of great academic value.

They're going to Las Vegas!

- Great for their maths. - And French.

- They're seeing Celine Dion. - We are all sick of that buffoon

being protected by his father...

Or so his mother assured me.

- ...his sexual playmate... - Odd choice of words.

- ...and the headmaster. - His wingman. Home slice.

- Brother from another mother. - A joke!

Look, he isn't perfect, but...

...Alfie Wickers is a truly wonderful teacher.

Class K forever, yeah?

It's so cute.

If you do a cock and balls, I'll never buy you cigarettes ever again.

Have you got any idea how much this is gonna hurt?

Pain is temporary, Joe. Being an absolute badass lasts forever. Ink me.

- Are you sure you're good to carry on? - Yeah.

I've got it.

Why don't we give Alfie the chance to defend himself?

We could pay him a visit right now.

What a terrific idea.

So, we were looking at the First War of Scottish Independence.

And you know what that means.

It's Class Wars!

So, it is the siege of Stirling Castle!

- 20th of July, 1304. - Nice, mate.

And what tactic did the English use to defeat the Scots?

Military blockade. They cut off their enemy's supply lines.

Correct. So, during break, I went through your bags blockading you.

- I cut off your water, your food... - My Pepperami!

- And your communication. - Sneaky bitch!

Giving you no option but to lay down your weapons and surrender.

Where's Gagarin?

Freedom!

Mum!

This is a place of learning, Mr Wickers.

- Not Takeshi's Castle. - Oh, great reference.

- But, Mum, we are learning. - Joseph, stop defending him.

He's the biggest child in the school.

Oh, for God's sake, how do you switch this thing off?

- Um, Susan... - Don't 'Susan' me! Thank you.

There's got to be a switch somewhere. Ah, here we are.

Just like that hamster, you're up to your neck in it.

So, I'm sorry, Alfredo, the parents just won't pay for the Vegas trip.

We'll do a fundraiser. Or wait, doesn't the school have a travel bursary?

Had a travel bursary.

A few years back, I invested that particular nest egg in art.

Well, great. Art famously goes up in value.

- They're literally worthless. - Fine. Then I'll pay.

Seriously, take it out of my salary. My kids deserve that trip.

You're gonna pay for your class to fly an 11,000 mile roundtrip

to spend a week in Las Vegas?

Who wants to go to Cornwall?

- What the hell is Cornwall? - It's a county, Chantelle.

- But it's abroad, right? - No. A county in England.

Rolling hills, smugglers' coves...

I ain't travelling 6 hours to stand in a field watching some bait farmer

wank off sheeps into a bucket.

An agricultural practice I'm unaware of.

We have to go on a post-exam trip. It's a rite of passage.

Did you go on one, sir, after your GCSEs?

Yeah. Shagaluf with the lads.

I'm sworn to secrecy but I'm sure you can guess what we got up to.

You sat in a villa with the Bullingdon Club lugeing port off each other's dicks.

Cornwall is gonna be insane. And get this...

my best friend from school, Atticus Hoye, is throwing a house party down there.

I'm talking pop up tiki bar, fairground rides...

...a frickin' Nando's van.

Yes!

Atticus? Man, you're posh.

How is that posh? He's just my old fencing buddy.

- Did you cross swords with him, sir? - Hell, yeah.

I buried my tip into him more times than I... I see what you've done there.

I hope you all have a great time. Wish I could come.

Don't be silly, you are coming. It's not Class K without the big man.

Mum will never let me go to Cornwall, or on a house party.

She's not gonna know, thanks to this.

A fake itinerary I have devised full of lame school trippy shit.

The Eden Project, some castles, a nunnery.

It's gonna be fine.

Well, I've printed out parent contact details, a list of local hospitals...

...and some articles on the complex political developments in the region.

It's Cornwall, not Syria.

And if you're worried about your drink getting spiked, use one of these.

Very clever. I see. Pop it up the chuffer, do you?

Board up the tradesman's entrance. Keep out any randy Corns.

- It goes on top of a bottle. - That makes more sense.

If this trip goes wrong, I won't be there to protect you.

Rosie, believe it or not, I am a grown man

and I am perfectly capable of looking after myself.

- Lunchbox. - You put in Dunkers.

Yep.

Bye.

Konichiwa.

Now do be careful, compadre. And remember, this is not a stag do.

Oi, willy wanker. One for the road?

Look, sir.

Oh, dear.

Oh, shit.

Right, guys, remember, what happens on tour, stays on tour.

Don't touch me. Let's go.

- Lads, lads... - Eeuw, it smells of wee.

Susan, why do you got luggage? This isn't the UKIP battle bus.

Joe is only going if I come too.

Right. Is this some kind of sick joke? Fraser?

Fraser?

No. No way. This is not happening.

She is not coming with us. This is a school trip, not a bloody Saga tour.

The gloves are off. Glasses, on.

- What the hell are those? - It's wearable tech.

I will use this device to record your every move.

If you put one foot out of line...

...I will terminate this trip with extreme prejudice!

Bullshit!

Stupid woman. Stupid bloody glasses.

Go Glasses, show me traffic updates for the A303.

What are those glasses? Looks like she'll give a TED talk on the menopause.

First stop on Mr Wickers' fabulous itinerary. The Eden Project.

What?!

Over on my left, we have the world's largest spade.

Wow!

I can't believe we've driven 6 hours to see a garden centre.

- I think I've been bitten. - Oi, mate, where's the skunk?

Dick! No! Get off!

Watch it.

Hey! I wouldn't eat that. Purging buckthorn, nature's laxative.

You'll have a storm blast so hard out your bum

they'll be finding bodies up in the trees for weeks.

Thank you God.

This trip was meant to be about creating memories.

No-one's gonna look back: "Ooh, do you remember the time we saw a big spade?".

Please!

- Please, Susan, for the love of God. - Fine!

- Yes! - But it will only end in tears.

God, woman. It's just a zipwire.

Come on, sir.

Oh God, this is high.

You'll be okay. Just remember not to scream.

We had a guy once who choked on his own tongue. Ready?

Oh God, I've changed my mind.

Get on with it, you tart!

Mitchell!

Sorry!

Help, Susan. Susan. Help.

Go Glasses, take photo.

Send to group email marked 'the PTA'. Subject heading: strike one.

My willy's gone inside me.

We have got to ditch the bitch.

Shitty shitty bang bang.

Mrs Poulter, are those glasses voice activated?

Yes, Mitchell.

- Go Glasses... - Not when I'm driving.

...search 'two girls, one cup'.

Oh!

You revolting little boy, sit back down!

Penleven Castle was built by Henry VI.

And in the Cornish rebellion of 1497

the castle withstood a siege for over 5 months.

- Mate, look, a witch. - It's a nun, you tit.

Arnie, Dieter, Gunter, Helga, Helma, Ulla und Rem Hund.

Any questions, my children?

Who build that castle?

Does anyone have any questions?

Well, come on. Anything?!

- Oh, dear. - Where's the G-spot? - Would you rather have no arms or no legs?

- What's a haggis? - Who would win in a fight, Gandalf or Dwayne Johnson?

Obviously Gandalf. He's magic.

Stop!

If a chicken had sex with a pig, could it lay a Scotch egg?

- Do you get a boner when you drown? - Correct.

Susie, have you ever heard of conditioner?

I meant questions about the castle!

There seems to be a priest hole that smugglers turned into a secret passageway.